Assume you won't go ctb until the moment you ctb. (Don't ruin your life further)

[Exhausted546]

Cause if you let yourself go, spend recklessly while being apathetic because you're about to die in a few days and you end up not dying..... you're now in a deeper hole than the one you started in

I regret not locking in last fall, I was certain I was going to die. I didn't, got sent to a psych ward in December. Spent the following months actively suicidal, trying to work out the details. Was definitely going to die in April,a phonecall from my sibling stopped that.

I was certain I was going to die by my birthday in June but I found out it wasn't fully game over for me and my sibling even spent 3k to help me,I can't let that go to waste,he wouldn't have needed to do that had I not given up. There's several things I regret not doing this winter because I thought to myself "it doesn't matter, I'm gonna die in a few days anyway" ,I now have to pay for the consequences of my inaction

I'll keep in mind next time I think "I'm gonna be dead soon anyway" that I'll likely still be alive and will suffer the consequences of my current inaction

I mean I still want to ctb but I need to do my best now to salvage the little I can salvage so things don't get worse. From now on if I ctb it'll be spontaneous,no more dragging it on

 

[Forveleth]

I made the same mistake. Thought I was going to die so I ate myself fat. Stopped exercising, are junk food, and gained 60 pounds. I hate that I did that to myself.

I have now decided I will keep living right up until the day I die. I am trying to take care of myself and even making future plans.

 

[TAW122]

This is actually a very rational and sound post. As much as the tendency to just let everything go (and I had temptations and thoughts of that in the past too), I agree with you that it is ill-advised to do so because in the event things don't go to plan, be it change of mind, last minute SI (survival instinct) kicking in, or things not going to plan, etc., this leaves one pretty vulnerable and in an even worse situation.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

I'm in that place right now, spent all my money, done a bunch of crazy stuff, took random drugs, drinked heavily, not taking care of myself though apparently it was induced by psychosis but i'm not too sure about that.

It's such a shitty spot to be in, i see life still following it's course while i should have been in the bus right now...

At the same time, even if it's a very toxic mindset, the more dire your situation is the more you'll be able to ctb without having too much hesitation ? Kind of a fucked up logic.

That's nice of you to think about others, i wish i had that compassion, but i'm just selfishly focused on ctb asap, gotta get through the fear though...

 

[Exhausted546]

I'm in that place right now, spent all my money, done a bunch of crazy stuff, took random drugs, drinked heavily, not taking care of myself though apparently it was induced by psychosis but i'm not too sure about that.

It's such a shitty spot to be in, i see life still following it's course while i should have been in the bus right now...

At the same time, even if it's a very toxic mindset, the more dire your situation is the more you'll be able to ctb without having too much hesitation ? Kind of a fucked up logic.

That's nice of you to think about others, i wish i had that compassion, but i'm just selfishly focused on ctb asap, gotta get through the fear though...

No I get you

My attempts last month were because my situation felt especially dire. On one hand it's good that it helps you ctb (I failed cause the rope was too long, then I failed cause the woods had become a swamp , so that had def helped me ctb) but I had momentarily stopped after that 2nd attempt after I opened my phone and my brother told me he didn't sleep all night and had been worried sick for me, offered his support and all.

After I stopped actively trying to off myself I regretted the past months as my situation had become even less salvageable

It's a very dangerous double edged sword. I mean it would have worked for me if I had a gun for sure or if my brother hadn't called me. But it didn't,now I'm carrying a much bigger burden than I was carrying in the first place as a consequence.

I just hope that if you find hope again,you do it before the hole is too deep

 

[cait_sith]

Its very hard for me to wrap my mind around being suicidal, planing my suicide, having everything ready but then keep on living assuming i won't do it and plan for old age. I feel like If i'm not sure i will do it why even plan or set things up in the first place, i am sure i will do it and will not go to work or whatever leading up to it. From my attempt I know i have the potential to get over si. Even people who aren't suicidal but see how the world is progressing into collpase have this aditude, met a couple during my travel that were doing a huge trip, saying that they are certain that the financial collapse that will occur will make travel like this impossible so they squeeze out what little life there is left to experience. I was like wow we are the same.

 

[voc_89]

thats crazy. If u CTB. Then that means u give it up. THATS IT! Why would you operate like tomorrow is coming. When I thought to myself, yh thats it, I am GONE (crashed my car after i fell asleep, valued at $US 30k, 3rd party insurance, owed the same ($30k), savings at $US5k). I gave up all (latest Galaxy Ultra at the time, wallet, cash, etc. to the nearest bum... i was going for a jump). Still here. The jump wasn't enough. It would cripple me. I would have to be lucky (jump head first, try my best to make sure i land like that? 4/5 stories.... yh). That was my last LATEST attempt. Maybe 2022/23. I researched ALOT into CTB (my earliest attempt was maybe.... hm.... 2005/06). When i do it I will be gone. I will not be still here and living shame (life would be over if i survive as in my country, U MAN UP! fking morons) or less than (vegetable or face blown off (research it)). I will be 100% gone. Atm, i have 10 times the saving of the average indivual I reside in (not boasting, again not boasting, I have a paid off car (no airbads lol) and a mortgage for a condo). Despite that, I am not going to 'risk it all' unless I am 1000000000000000000000% sure I will be gone minutes after I do that. I feel for you. But plan better. That said, I know how it is. Again, I feel for you. Don't take my words lightly. I was there. I thougt I was gone. But when I was about to jump, I realised the elevation wasn't enough. So I could have been like you. Not enough research = still here

 

[Exhausted546]

Its very hard for me to wrap my mind around being suicidal, planing my suicide, having everything ready but then keep on living assuming i won't do it and plan for old age. I feel like If i'm not sure i will do it why even plan or set things up in the first place, i am sure i will do it and will not go to work or whatever leading up to it. From my attempt I know i have the potential to get over si. Even people who aren't suicidal but see how the world is progressing into collpase have this aditude, met a couple during my travel that were doing a huge trip, saying that they are certain that the financial collapse that will occur will make travel like this impossible so they squeeze out what little life there is left to experience. I was like wow we are the same.

Truthfully it's easier said than done honestly, you're right

 

[starboy2k]

I honestly feel more desire to CTB when I don't think about it. Planning is way harder than impulsively doing it for some people….especially me.

 

[Hystearical]

Add me to the list of people who didn't follow that advice and paid the consequences!

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I mean it's up to each individual, and there are arguments going both ways.

I remember having a discussion about it with someone. They were convinced if they stop trying and actively made their life worse, then they would be much more desperate to ctb. And I was sort of disagreeing in regard to my own situation. I generally thought it was an unwise thing to do…

But lately, I've started to think they might be right… because my life is actually a bit too comfortable in many ways to motivate me strongly to get out. It's too easy to just stumble through another day/week/month and never feel the urgency to escape soon - even though I know it's exactly what I want and I don't value this life at all. And I also view death as being safety from future harm.

I do also know based on my personality, that being in a desperate situation with everything falling apart would make me more focused and much less apathetic about it. I tend to procrastinate a lot, which is fucking frustrating…

 

[Thanatos.br]

Couldn't agree more, I started to feel suicidal at 15yo, finished school and didn't bother to go to college (even though I had the opportunities, it's free here), also didn't care about weight and looks, because I was going to CTB anyway, guess what, I didn't ctb, and time is unforgivable, now i'm in the late 30s stuck on a low end job and no prospects of a better future. I could have done better with the circunstances i had if i didn't gave up on life so early, i believe i would still be suicidal, but with a more fit body and more financially stable, so I think we should, even with a plan to ctb, live like you will not do it, because what if you don't ctb? Time will not stop for you, and the choices you're doing now will impact your future "not ctb'ed" version. (i hope i expressed myself well, my english it's not very good)

 

[PainThreshold]

No, I tried that and end up wanting to CTB even more because things do end up turning bad real quick.

 

[itachi uchiha]

I'm in that place right now, spent all my money, done a bunch of crazy stuff, took random drugs, drinked heavily, not taking care of myself though apparently it was induced by psychosis but i'm not too sure about that.

It's such a shitty spot to be in, i see life still following it's course while i should have been in the bus right now...

At the same time, even if it's a very toxic mindset, the more dire your situation is the more you'll be able to ctb without having too much hesitation ? Kind of a fucked up logic.

That's nice of you to think about others, i wish i had that compassion, but i'm just selfishly focused on ctb asap, gotta get through the fear though...

Did the same ruined my life while it was perfect and for some reason now that it's shattered with no hope for recovery I am still here
Gave away all my belongings my car and everything and still here suffering the consequences of my actions

 

[Exhausted546]

Couldn't agree more, I started to feel suicidal at 15yo, finished school and didn't bother to go to college (even though I had the opportunities, it's free here), also didn't care about weight and looks, because I was going to CTB anyway, guess what, I didn't ctb, and time is unforgivable, now i'm in the late 30s stuck on a low end job and no prospects of a better future. I could have done better with the circunstances i had if i didn't gave up on life so early, i believe i would still be suicidal, but with a more fit body and more financially stable, so I think we should, even with a plan to ctb, live like you will not do it, because what if you don't ctb? Time will not stop for you, and the choices you're doing now will impact your future "not ctb'ed" version. (i hope i expressed myself well, my english it's not very good)

You expressed yourself perfectly. I'm so sorry to hear that and you're absolutely right. Time doesn't give a shit whether we wasted it wanting to ctb but not ultimately doing it,it brutally moves forward regardless. The path ahead gets narrower and narrower as the opportunities disappear . One may think it's a good thing cause you're more likely to ctb but what if you still don't? Now you're stuck,there's sadly no redo it's brutal

Did the same ruined my life while it was perfect and for some reason now that it's shattered with no hope for recovery I am still here
Gave away all my belongings my car and everything and still here suffering the consequences of my actions

I'm so fucking sorry, this hits fucking hard. People didn't have questions when you have away your belongings? Or was it to strangers?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree- when it comes down to the basics of sustaining life. I don't want to effectively paint myself into a corner where I have to CTB. So- I don't intend to let things go so entirely that I lose my job and become homeless etc.

That said, there's something reassuring about telling myself I won't need retirement money. I suppose personally, I prefer the mindset of not being so worried and ambitious for the future.

It has also diminished the feelings of failure that I was dogged by. That I was never achieving enough in my career. Never fulfilling the expectations on me as a person. How I dressed, how I cared for my living environment. It's been a relief to let those things go.

That said- it's such a delicate balance. I have let some things go too much and am suffering the consequences so- I think you're right there. We do need to be considering what our lives will be like if we don't die but continue to neglect everything.

 

[Exhausted546]

I swear it's hard not to let go sometimes

 

[Exhausted546]

I'm definitely gonna ctb soon, until then I have to act like I'm not going to

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

no you're missing a point: a part of my training is to know when a suicide (and surge/contagion) is about to happen. and you ran up a bill. giving all your stuff away usually preludes a successful suicide. for me, I just want everything to be cleaned and trashed away. but I also just now realized, when people realize they gave all their stuff away and they're back in an empty room, they probably panic more and impulsively decide to just finish the job.

 

[Exhausted546]

no you're missing a point: a part of my training is to know when a suicide (and surge/contagion) is about to happen. and you ran up a bill. giving all your stuff away usually preludes a successful suicide. for me, I just want everything to be cleaned and trashed away. but I also just now realized, when people realize they gave all their stuff away and they're back in an empty room, they probably panic more and impulsively decide to just finish the job.

I mean I did some of that and still ended up surviving.

 

[violetforever]

this is how i spent my suicidal teenage and early 20s years. i didnt see a future and now that future is here and im paying for it and im so behind that i know i will ctb eventually. i couldve avoided this extra suffering right now thats worsening me and going to make me ctb. i definitely wouldve been done with school and maybe even not living with my family but what did i care? i already gave up. i gave up such a long time ago. i just keep living and doing things because i "have to". basically to not ruin my life further like you said. i dont know how actual people and relationships play into this though. i always want to cut people off since i know im going to ctb but i know if im not going to ctb immediately right now then why cut them off? ill miss them so bad and just make being alive worse. it feels so messed up to cling to them until my final day though.

 

[Yurak Hunt]

I made the same mistake. Thought I was going to die so I ate myself fat. Stopped exercising, are junk food, and gained 60 pounds. I hate that I did that to myself.

I have now decided I will keep living right up until the day I die. I am trying to take care of myself and even making future plans.

what made you decide to keep living?

 

[Forveleth]

what made you decide to keep living?

I do not necessarily want to live, however I have a rule to not make an attempt until I feel ready. So until the day I once again wake up and feel that that is the day I am going to die, I will plan my life like I am not suicidal.

 

[Exhausted546]

I do not necessarily want to live, however I have a rule to not make an attempt until I feel ready. So until the day I once again wake up and feel that that is the day I am going to die, I will plan my life like I am not suicidal.

Very understandable

 

[Cepheuss]

I do get this post as back when i fell into being fully suicidal again in january i started being really reckless and just trying to have some fun before i die and it hurt a lot of people around me though it is definitely good to be prepared i still support fixing your financial situation and things for after you pass

 

[restingplace]

exactly this.

Memento mori Memento vivere. Essentially you're gonna die anyways, make the time you have leading up to it as fruitful as possible

 

[Exhausted546]

I said all that but I increasingly think I'll do it tonight after midnight. I have to act as if I won't though so I don't further ruin my life

 

[QuestOver]

Fuck this thread hits me so deep.

In the last 4 months I have completely pissed my entire life away. In January I was at elite level fitness and training for a sub 3 hour marathon (just giving that as an indication of the fitness) in the best shape I've ever been in, 6 pack, muscles, the whole 9 yards.

Today I'm up about 30 pounds up, can barely run a mile and haven't seen the gym in over 3 months. Years of progress thrown away just like that.

I had a great job which I squandered and was made redundant from. Lost my apartment and sleeping on my friends couch.

I've isolated myself from many friends. Its truly been an never ending death cycle of stacking one bad day after and another.

It really is so crazy how quickly it can all go wrong once you throw in the towel. Don't make the same mistake please no matter how suicidal you are. I'm still here and I genuinely feel like this is has to be some nightmare and I'll wake up and it'll be January again when this all started but this is really just the hell I've created for myself.

 

[Exhausted546]

Fuck this thread hits me so deep.

In the last 4 months I have completely pissed my entire life away. In January I was at elite level fitness and training for a sub 3 hour marathon (just giving that as an indication of the fitness) in the best shape I've ever been in, 6 pack, muscles, the whole 9 yards.

Today I'm up about 30 pounds up, can barely run a mile and haven't seen the gym in over 3 months. Years of progress thrown away just like that.

I had a great job which I squandered and was made redundant from. Lost my apartment and sleeping on my friends couch.

I've isolated myself from many friends. Its truly been an never ending death cycle of stacking one bad day after and another.

It really is so crazy how quickly it can all go wrong once you throw in the towel. Don't make the same mistake please no matter how suicidal you are. I'm still here and I genuinely feel like this is has to be some nightmare and I'll wake up and it'll be January again when this all started but this is really just the hell I've created for myself.

Were you suicidal when this all started 4 months ago?

 

[Exhausted546]

I went to visit trees, they're not ideal nor are they in ideal areas. One is 15 meters behind someone's open backyard that leads into the woods. It's in full view of anyone that'd look outside, it's not ideal at all. I'm so exhausted