Venting POSTPONED (again)???

[100memoryleaks]

it's 3:30 am. I've literally never done opioids before and about a couple hours ago I took 90 mg of oxycodone and 10 mg gabapentin. I had planned to take more stuff (20 mg hydrocodone, 40 more mg gabapentin, 2 cans of Radler) that were gonna be for numbing pain before my hanging attempt and potentially getting rid of SI. but even before taking the rest, for a while I felt so excited and like I was looking forward to things in life. but just now I remembered how much it fucking hurts that my fp left me. HE'S GONE and he doesn't know or care how much I'm suffering right now! where is he? i want my sweet boy...

but back to the point, i miss the peak of that high. when i forgot about my fp for an hour and just laughed at some memes, thought about restaurants I wanted to try,, thought about drawings I wanted to make...I could do all of it if I just never stopped feeling that good. it's gonna sound really weird, but if I had more oxy I could just replace him with that. i just want something that makes me feel as good as he did, and that's exactly what oxy did for just a brief moment. made me forget that I was gonna ctb and just... let me be happy again.

idk what I want to do now. I'm scared to go hang myself like I planned. but I miss my fp like never before. only a few hours earlier I had fully accepted be wouldn't come back and was ready to ctb. but now I just wish for the love of everything good that he would COME BACK (he's not gonna, I'm sure he's having a great time without me). there's no point to anything if he's not with me. but also if I could just be high all the time I could forget about that pain of missing him. but that is also totally unrealistic, I only got lucky that I found these expired pills that my dad doesn't need anymore. and it has some obvious consequences.

idk about all this, maybe I should just go to sleep and think about it more tomorrow. ... and expect some angry group chat messages from the openers at my workplace. i did a really shitty job at closing. like really shit. I'm gonna wake up super exhausted too. but maybe i should plan out a more peaceful method. i just can't get myself to take the rest of the pills and go outside. but also like. is it ever possible for me to feel that good again? i hate the idea of living without my fp but fuck it, being high is the only thing that came remotely close to the feeling of being with him again.
if i wanted to ctb now, i technically have 1 hour left until sunrise, so i'd have to take the rest of the meds and leave literally right now. i'm such a wuss. my stupid brain wants to keep thinking my fp will come back, or maybe someone will just come out of thin air and magically fix anything. WHY?? why is this happening to me.
i want to talk to my sweetheart again. i wish he would know how bad i feel right now. i wish he would tell me it was all some dumb bet he made with his friend or whatever and now he won a thousand euros. or some sort of test to see if i'll do something bad as revenge. i wish he would say he missed me too and he's sorry and that we can still solve this. i stopped messaging him already. i'm just running out of ways to cope right now. i still think if i really really tried hard enough i could keep going for a while, keep on waiting, keep on hoping...

 

[sadbh]

just laughed at some memes, thought about restaurants I wanted to try,, thought about drawings I wanted to make...I could do all of it if I just never stopped feeling that good. it's gonna sound really weird, but if I had more oxy I could just replace him with that. i just want something that makes me feel as good as he did, and that's exactly what oxy did for just a brief moment. made me forget that I was gonna ctb and just... let me be happy again.

this is exactly how serious addiction starts. Be careful, you're never going to be able to catch the dragon.

 

[100memoryleaks]

this is exactly how serious addiction starts. Be careful, you're never going to be able to catch the dragon.

exactly, that's the worst part. i know i'm just gonna fuck myself over even more like that but right now i can't think of any other way to get a similar feeling again
atp i wish i could just die on accident or something. i'm too conflicted rn to commit.

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

You should made up your mind about this decision. Once you've done it there's no turning back. If you still have things you enjoy in life, it's better to reconsider

 

[100memoryleaks]

You should made up your mind about this decision. Once you've done it there's no turning back. If you still have things you enjoy in life, it's better to reconsider

it feels like i'm forcing myself to enjoy things but it doesn't work most of the time

 

[nayomi]

there is no drug or human that can give you the hug you want in a consistent way that got from your fp. only god can give you that

 

[100memoryleaks]

there is no drug or human that can give you the hug you want in a consistent way that got from your fp. only god can give you that

just as I suspected :(

 

[nayomi]

just as I suspected :(

just practice meditation and prayer and you can get it all. it takes some time and effort but it is very possible .
i had rush of love and bliss everyday for a year before this episode started .
if you need any help just message me

 

[Aflame5926]

i mean there are some mixed reactions to be honest.

maybe you should do drugs. BUT do psychedelics only.

its a reason why MDMA and keta are starting to get accepted for treatments.

heard there is even a trail ongoing for LSD in berlin.

also there was 1 guy suicidal and wanted to go out with a good time first.
all the drugs in the short perioud of time "cured" is sad and suicidel behavior.

but with drugs temporily help you (DONT GO OVERBOARD WITH IT OFCS).
why not try to use it for some period of time

 

[100memoryleaks]

just practice meditation and prayer and you can get it all. it takes some time and effort but it is very possible .
i had rush of love and bliss everyday for a year before this episode started .
if you need any help just message me

I'll consider it, thanks for the offer <3

i mean there are some mixed reactions to be honest.

maybe you should do drugs. BUT do psychedelics only.

its a reason why MDMA and keta are starting to get accepted for treatments.

heard there is even a trail ongoing for LSD in berlin.

also there was 1 guy suicidal and wanted to go out with a good time first.
all the drugs in the short perioud of time "cured" is sad and suicidel behavior.

but with drugs temporily help you (DONT GO OVERBOARD WITH IT OFCS).
why not try to use it for some period of time

i was thinking the same thing. maybe use drugs until they no longer help/actively hurt, then ctb

 

[bagel12]

it's 3:30 am. I've literally never done opioids before and about a couple hours ago I took 90 mg of oxycodone and 10 mg gabapentin. I had planned to take more stuff (20 mg hydrocodone, 40 more mg gabapentin, 2 cans of Radler) that were gonna be for numbing pain before my hanging attempt and potentially getting rid of SI. but even before taking the rest, for a while I felt so excited and like I was looking forward to things in life. but just now I remembered how much it fucking hurts that my fp left me. HE'S GONE and he doesn't know or care how much I'm suffering right now! where is he? i want my sweet boy...

but back to the point, i miss the peak of that high. when i forgot about my fp for an hour and just laughed at some memes, thought about restaurants I wanted to try,, thought about drawings I wanted to make...I could do all of it if I just never stopped feeling that good. it's gonna sound really weird, but if I had more oxy I could just replace him with that. i just want something that makes me feel as good as he did, and that's exactly what oxy did for just a brief moment. made me forget that I was gonna ctb and just... let me be happy again.

idk what I want to do now. I'm scared to go hang myself like I planned. but I miss my fp like never before. only a few hours earlier I had fully accepted be wouldn't come back and was ready to ctb. but now I just wish for the love of everything good that he would COME BACK (he's not gonna, I'm sure he's having a great time without me). there's no point to anything if he's not with me. but also if I could just be high all the time I could forget about that pain of missing him. but that is also totally unrealistic, I only got lucky that I found these expired pills that my dad doesn't need anymore. and it has some obvious consequences.

idk about all this, maybe I should just go to sleep and think about it more tomorrow. ... and expect some angry group chat messages from the openers at my workplace. i did a really shitty job at closing. like really shit. I'm gonna wake up super exhausted too. but maybe i should plan out a more peaceful method. i just can't get myself to take the rest of the pills and go outside. but also like. is it ever possible for me to feel that good again? i hate the idea of living without my fp but fuck it, being high is the only thing that came remotely close to the feeling of being with him again.
if i wanted to ctb now, i technically have 1 hour left until sunrise, so i'd have to take the rest of the meds and leave literally right now. i'm such a wuss. my stupid brain wants to keep thinking my fp will come back, or maybe someone will just come out of thin air and magically fix anything. WHY?? why is this happening to me.
i want to talk to my sweetheart again. i wish he would know how bad i feel right now. i wish he would tell me it was all some dumb bet he made with his friend or whatever and now he won a thousand euros. or some sort of test to see if i'll do something bad as revenge. i wish he would say he missed me too and he's sorry and that we can still solve this. i stopped messaging him already. i'm just running out of ways to cope right now. i still think if i really really tried hard enough i could keep going for a while, keep on waiting, keep on hoping...

my personal belief is that, if the concept of ctb feels scary/difficult, it means that we're not ready yet, that there is more for us to do and experience in life until we can rest peacefully. the fact that you were looking forward to things again, like drawing, trying new restaurants, etc makes me think that now isn't the right time for you.

i'm wondering if part of why the drugs felt so good is that maybe there is a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes life feel intolerable? i used to feel like shit 24/7 and i wanted to ctb every day, the only thing that made me feel better was having a partner. but when i smoked weed or took shrooms suddenly life felt beautiful and i actually felt excited by the concept of experiencing new things and living, instead of dread or exhaustion. then i wanted to ctb when i was sober again, it was a really vicious cycle.

but once i saw a psychiatrist and started taking medication, i stopped feeling bad all the time. life started feeling appealing again, even when i was sober. for the first time in my life, i didn't need substances to want to live anymore. basically my brain has a chemical imbalance, but meds fix it. (unfortunately i stopped taking meds, so i wanna ctb again, but im starting meds again soon, and i know it'll make me want to live again! so im holding on until then)

is it possible that you're in a similar situation, and trying meds might help? i think it is at least worth trying a few different meds to see if they help, because it's very likely that at least one med will. if it's urgent and you don't have the time to find a psychiatrist, i would walk into an ER and tell them that you need mental help. they are required to help treat you even if you can't pay, and they can give you a few doses of psychiatric medication and they can help you find a psychiatrist. one of my friends did this after a ctb attempt a few months ago. they gave her a short term emergency med supply and helped her get a psychiatrist and she hasn't attempted since, she actually is happy and enjoys living now. her mindset and problems sound similar to yours and they put her on a mood stabilizer called lamictal (aka lamotrigine), it really really helped her

last thing, you might feel like shit for a couple days after the opioids wear off, that is COMPLETELY NORMAL, it can mess with your brain chemistry for a couple days after. please please please try not to make impulsive decisions or big decisions this week, at least wait for your brain to recalibrate. remember how you felt the will to live. that is huge because it means your brain has the ability to want to live. please at least give yourself a chance to experience the will to live again, even if it doesn't feel good right now. please try to exhaust all your options before deciding whether to ctb. if you feel like you'll impulsively ctb please go to the er and give yourself a chance to try meds