Story Ascension

[enjolras]

(a satyr obv.)

Spoiler

Je suis un mannequin glacé
Avec un teint de soleil
Ravalé, Homme pressé
Mes conneries proférées
Sont le destin du monde

Je n'ai pas le temps, je file
Ma carrière est en jeu
je suis l'homme médiatique
je suis plus que politique
je vais vite, très vite
je suis une comète humaine universelle
je traverse le temps
je suis une référence
je suis omniprésent
je deviens omniscient
j'ai envahi le monde
Que je ne connais pas
Peu importe, j'en parle
Peu importe, je sais
j'ai les hommes à mes pieds
Huit milliards potentiels
De crétins asservis
A part certains de mes amis
Du même monde que moi
Vous n'imaginez pas
Ce qu'ils sont gais

Qui veut de moi
Et des miettes de mon cerveau
Qui veut entrer
dans la toile de mon réseau

Militant quotidien
De l'inhumanité
Des profits immédiats
Des faveurs des médias
Moi je suis riche très riche
je fais dans l'immobilier
je sais faire des affaires
Y'en a qui peuvent payer
je connais le tout Paris
Et puis le reste aussi
Mes connaissances uniques
Et leurs femmes que je...
Fréquente évidemment
Les cordons de la bourse
Se relâchent pour moi
Il n'y a plus de secrets
Je suis le Roi des rois
Explosé l'audimat
Pulvérisée l'audience
Et qu'est-ce que vous croyez
C'est ma voie, c'est ma chance
j'adore les émissions
à la télévision
Pas le temps de regarder
Mais c'est moi qui les fais
On crache la nourriture
A ces yeux affamés
Vous voyez qu'ils demandent
Nous les savons avides
De notre pourriture
Mieux que d'la confiture
A des cochons

Qui veut de moi
Et des miettes de mon cerveau
Qui veut entrer
Dans la toile de mon réseau
Vous savez que je suis:
Un homme pressé
Un homme pressé
Un homme pressé
j'suis une victime en fait
Un homme pressé
Un homme pressé
Un homme pressé

Je suis un militant quotidien
De l'inhumanité
Et des profits immédiats
Et puis des faveurs des médias
Moi je suis riche, très riche
je fais dans l'immobilier
je sais faire des affaires
Y'en a qui peuvent payer
Et puis je traverse le temps
je suis devenu omniprésent
je suis une super référence
Je peux toujours ramener ma science
Moi je vais vite, très vite
Ma carrière est en jeu
je suis l'homme médiatique
Moi je suis plus que politique

Car je suis un homme pressé
un homme pressé
un homme pressé
un homme pressé
un homme pressé
un homme pressé
Love Love Love
Dit-on en Amérique
Lioubov
Russie ex-soviétique
Amour
Aux quatre coins de la France

I'm a frozen dummy
With a complexion of the sun
Swallowed, Man in a hurry
My bullshit
Are the fate of the world
I don't have time, I'm running
My career is at stake
I am the media man
I am more than political
I go fast, very fast
I am a universal human comet
I cross time
I am a reference
I am omnipresent
I become omniscient
I invaded the world
That I do not know
It doesn't matter, I'm talking about it
Whatever, I know
I have the men at my feet
Eight billion potential
Of enslaved morons
Apart from some of my friends
From the same world as me
You do not imagine
How they are joyful

Who wants me
And crumbs from my brain
Who wants to enter
in the web of my network

Daily activist
Of inhumanity
Immediate profits
Media favors
I am rich, very rich
I work in real estate
I know how to do business
Some can pay
I know all of Paris
And then the rest too
My unique knowledge
And their wives that I ...
Frequent obviously
The strings of the stock exchanges
Relax for me
There are no more secrets
I am the King of kings
Exploded the ratings
Sprayed the audience
And what do you think
This is my way, this is my chance
I love shows
on the television
No time to watch
But it's me who makes them
We spit out the food
To those hungry eyes
You see they ask
We know they are greedy
Of our rot
Better than jam
To pigs

Who wants me
And crumbs from my brain
Who wants to enter
In the web of my network
You know that I am:
A man in a hurry
A man in a hurry
A man in a hurry
I'm actually a victim
A man in a hurry
A man in a hurry
A man in a hurry

I am a daily activist
Of inhumanity
And immediate profits
And then media favors
I am rich, very rich
I work in real estate
I know how to do business
Some can pay
And then I go through time
I have become omnipresent
I am a great reference
I can always bring my science back
I go fast, very fast
My career is at stake
I am the media man
I am more than political

'Cause I'm a busy man
a man in a hurry
a man in a hurry
a man in a hurry
a man in a hurry
a man in a hurry
Love love love
They say in america
Lioubov
Ex-soviet russia
Amour
All over France

 

[enjolras]

About Lions Mane, I will exchange the "Ultra Strength" declination for "NGF Hericenones". The 1st one I was on was rather aiming to strengthen immunity and gut health, whereas the NGF is even higher potent, targeting precisely cognitive health. The difference lies in the extraction process: water vs alcohol based.

1st full trip attempt planned this weekend (also why I postpone the Fluox reboot to not tease the serotonine unconsciously). Decided on a serene park for the setting. Watch out for the devil kids

Didn't find time last week, plus the weather wasn't there to make it an enjoyable rendez-vous... contrary to tomorrow's forecast. I'm upgrading the scenery from the kids park to this lovely dream lake I wished to visit since quite some time. Hope a magic bond will fill in the air & in between the neurones ;)



Aside, this week has been excellent. Actually got lucky beyond my imagination ...for once?! I'm really advancing on my schedule as well as clearly expanding my horizons, which for me goes hand in hand to keep me in good spirit...

Oh, tonight, I might actually meet with my dream sedative finally ...an effective one in theory, since I'm testing a N sleep dose of 125mg. Let's cross fingers I'll escape the sad ending and wake up ;)


By error, through manipulation, spilled some drops on my fingers so licked them.
To my surprise, the taste has been very far from the one in my memory (not very representative initial trial). This time, clearly the taste felt strong & sucked more than my anticipation.
Not that bitter but special, hard to describe ...cause with a definitive curious "tingling" undertone. It actually gave me chills whereas I'm usually not sensitive or picky about taste. It can be persistent and last till next day, or also fade/disappear quickly if washed by a chaser, hence I confirm hypothetically, adding alcohol before and after appears a match.
Anyway, this will be a goodbye ceremony, since afterwards, I'll ditch the good old N friend that has accompanied and soothed me just through presence since a few years. I just ...plan to die from old age now.

I can't remember how I've been suicidal ...forever & recently. I'm biting my lips for the past wrong directions, self-assassination, opportunities missed over time and plan on making myself my best friend/ally from now on. A strive has sprouted in me & I will cultivate this seed until it dries out.

 

[enjolras]

10 days goal : repass lost theorical driving licence

Damn, time flies. 15 days already ?
So, last week, not only did I get the theory back but my full driving licence ...but let's be honest, through a work-around ;) Firstly, my request to repass the exam was rejected by the administration, then after a few phone calls, I learned that the law had been changed 9 months ago about the international non-european permits (my case). In concrete, contrary to my overdue fears, my foreign licence is valid again everywhere until it's expiry date, and I'm able to exchange it for a french one any time I want. This is such a relief. I feel free again to move around! It wouldn't have been a problem to retake the exams since after all, I was flying planes before, which is a lot more complex, but I'm glad that I can save both time, money and hassle, skipping every unnecessary step.
To explain the confusion, the government has not updated every official websites (and the main governmental one) that the law has progressed... probably there are many more people in my situation that are/were tricked into thinking they have lost their licence permanently. This unprofessionalism is very characteristic of what does not work in France. Such a shame.

Anyway, I can drive again, HOORAY ! It had been troubling me since 5 years, since I became clandestin where I reside, unable to settle again in a neighouring country (due to unfortunate family reasons) to exchange the licence in due time (within 1 year) between countries... I'm so stoked that for once luck is on my side. I almost took the exams last year and it would have been too early... now I don't have to.

In the end, let's not be lazy. I have set myself a new goal since I've cleared this one. I will pass a heavy camping car / middle sized truck licence instead, in order to optimise my free time ;) Accidently, I have already paid for the theorical course, so now it's just a matter of 2-3 days of studying and 30 € to unlock it so I can practice for that next level permit.
Why am I doing this ? To push myself and also to remember my deceased father. He was a flight mechanical engineer (3rd man in the cockpit aside pilots, now an obsolete career replaced by the technology) and instructor for Air France and various airline companies - even african ones - and despite being a tremedous traveler all his life, worldwide to amazing places (I flew away with him often, under his umbrella), his dream was more sober, which was to drive around Europe in a camping car, at his own will and pace... another kind of freedom. Unfortunately, while walking in the mountain, view facing the most prestigious peak of Switzerland, he suddenly died of a heart attack young (62yo) before fulfilling it, before retirement, so it could never happen. I hold his regret in my heart and my intention is to one day live a taste of his dream through a proxy so his memory can be honoured and live through me. Even if I just rent a big sized camping car for a couple months, not purchasing one extensively, there are places I would joyfully fool around at, be it in the north in Scandinavia and the Baltic countries or the Balkans, the ex-soviet places, up close to the Middle East, why not Iran as final destination which is fond in my heart.

Concretely, even if I own it again, I will repass the theory this august (now, not in a hurry) so it's reset/fresh (mandatory) in order to start the practical hours of lessons of this other licence ...I don't know exactly for when I'm targeting this, but before the end of the year, when I'll attribute the money for it (about 1000 €) cause I'm prioritising a lot of other expenses for my well being, rebuilding lots of things I had destroyed & beyond, with the goal to experience new healthy habits compared to when I was actively suicidal.

Continuing my ascension ! (Plenty more in the pipelines that I didn't care yet to share )

 

[so tired or manic]

;) if you need company I love to travel.

some day I'll be able to save up enough to buy a car again. some day. my cat can't fly since he has an enlarged heart and his vet suggested against it. at least the US is big enough driving everywhere can be neverending.

it really is heartwarming to hear your story.

 

[enjolras]

;) if you need company I love to travel.

some day I'll be able to save up enough to buy a car again. some day. my cat can't fly since he has an enlarged heart and his vet suggested against it. at least the US is big enough driving everywhere can be neverending.

it really is heartwarming to hear your story.

Hugs ! My motivation through journaling my way out is definitely to encourage others, although it's an helper by forcing me to stay accountable with my orientation.

If you ever go as far as to travel from USA to Andorra in Europe, I can promise to welcome you and play the tour operator around here ;) Same remark extended for other potential visitors ...as long as confidence would be here (like a priori live chat to verify we get along!)
To force myself to work on my social skills is one of my biggest goal ...cause I need to break the ice and expand outside of my grizzly bear shell :) It would be the highest achievement for me since I've always been historically independent and a loner, rather quiet (but shrooms help in that field ... Already as a teenager, I was showing signs of the Avoidant Personality Disorder (a strong form of social phobia where you just avoid situations instead of facing them with anxiety) as well as school phobia. Like a turtle I took the easy way and with a tendency to withdraw myself away from the "world".

I wish you get our hands again on a transportation mean ! It makes a difference in well being.
This week, I decided on my dream car ...despite I'm absolutely not interested in this mechanical things as a material possession.
Too bad I lost 105k in 3 days last month, immediately after having won 80k in 36 hours, losing my mind with fucking greed ...which has been a shock but also the starting point to rebound with anger at myself. It put my mood down for a week (before, it would have made me depressed for 6 months - I'm elvolving with detachement over money which is precisely what I'm after for both my activity and daily life). Little regrets since I reacted afterwards - from experience, I know I'm able to fix it ...if only I'm patient rather than demanding with a hurry. Now I'm broke until next year and have to save / earn it back before even pretending to spend on unnecessary luxury items.

Spoiler

 

[enjolras]

Just so you guys (& gals) know, I will auto-ban enjolras, and rejoin the site with a new username: Viro_Major , without history, but fresh clean status. See you !
(as soon as the ability to change the profile's email and register new accounts at SS are repaired...)

 

[Viro_Major]

Just so you guys (& gals) know, I will auto-ban enjolras, and rejoin the site with a new username: Viro_Major , without history, but fresh clean status. See you !
(as soon as the ability to change the profile's email and register new accounts at SS are repaired...)

Here we go : new baby skin !

 

[Viro_Major]

Oh, tonight, I might actually meet with my dream sedative finally ...an effective one in theory, since I'm testing a N sleep dose of 125mg. Let's cross fingers I'll escape the sad ending and wake up ;)
View attachment 40099

By error, through manipulation, spilled some drops on my fingers so licked them.
To my surprise, the taste has been very far from the one in my memory (not very representative initial trial). This time, clearly the taste felt strong & sucked more than my anticipation.
Not that bitter but special, hard to describe ...cause with a definitive curious "tingling" undertone. It actually gave me chills whereas I'm usually not sensitive or picky about taste. It can be persistent and last till next day, or also fade/disappear quickly if washed by a chaser, hence I confirm hypothetically, adding alcohol before and after appears a match.
Anyway, this will be a goodbye ceremony, since afterwards, I'll ditch the good old N friend that has accompanied and soothed me just through presence since a few years. I just ...plan to die from old age now.

Finally, tried vet liquid Pisabental yesterday night, at a dose close to the one when it was prescribed as a sleeping pill back in the days (100mg). Here is my report and final statement.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/im-drunk.44376/#post-806892

edit: cold Malibu straight out of the fridge is refreshing and yummy ! Almost feels diluted in water, but without ice cubes. That's likely the chaser I would pick

 

[Viro_Major]

Wanted to share about a - wannabe important - treatment discovery before, but didn't find time to do so. It's now arranged here

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/paxil.44522/#post-808429

So? the precious (letting this typo uncorrected !) month has ended. Lost 3kg (89>81 in 2 mo) whereas not putting any special efforts this time. 83kg was my ceiling since 10 years. It took 3 weeks to pass below. Didn't really water fast at all, just was serious about controlling my food intakes on the low side ...I can't tell I've been hungry, the body adapts. I walked in the mountains like 3 days only.
Where I am about this aspect (which don't matter the most): my motivation has grown to descend at 75kg eventually. Ironically, the more I lose weight, the more I feel fat and unhealthy as in "overweight" lol It sort of emphasised as bold the realisation I can do better & feel better if/when in shape, which I really measured holds some truth and spreads around the mental aspect. Physical health is not only talk but serious business !

Earlier this week, I finished to source the ingredients of my full health regimen, at like 80% (even the aromatherapy essential oil with candles lol) and will be ready at 100% for september. Therefore, I have started yesterday a big transition to put into practice my big big research. Stay tuned for the result in some time (crossing fingers anout the outcome).
By now, I'm still missing Omega 3 (algae oil), vitamin D with K2 & optional B12. My vegan proteins are on pause for 1 month (no reason except mistake of supply). In September, the doctor prescribed me to test my NFP levels (blood cells' count, if not mistaken) to control the consequence of the Andractim hormonal cream. I have decided by myself to verify other parameters at this occasion : Zinc, Magnesium, B6, B12 & B3

To materialise what it takes concretely, in pictures

Morning


That cream is wierd (spelling, I know). It's exactly like if I'd pass an echography lol : transparent cold jelly that needs to be applied above the second brain, around the abdomen. Also unpractical to master the dose precisely by pressing the tube. Matter of training!
Meanwhile, I have planned to trade the construction type headset for a closed studio bluetooth one w/ noise canceling : after research, Presonus HD10BT, about similar to Bose quality ...but on budget. Still chordless but better to cover more situations, inject audio during work time or walking down the streets, isolating from the crowd. The target remains to immerse into a bubble to optain calmness, quietude, relaxation and focus = rest / save energy to optimise efforts. I just enjoy to have my attention channeled and not be disturbed. Plus I will use it for music production ? Searching for justification lol
Oh, took out that travel neck pillow for comfort ...and to allow me to take day naps on the fly lol kidding, but bring the daydreams ;)

Afternoon

The apparel is for tension testing. Since I'm supplementing, my pulsations & temperature sensitively dropped, which indicates me some effect do function behind the scenes. Some elements do work on blood pressure or cholesterol for instance.

Evening

I'm gonna change the Propolis for another brand cause these tablets are too bulky. About this, I realised it's a lot easier for me to swallow 4/5 0 size tiny capsules (the Niacin ones) in a single gulp than it is with a single 000 sized one or 2. They just dispose of the space with more freedom of movement. The dispersion due to the distribution of a larger surface prolly makes it uneven but since we're not talking CTB, such "dilemma" is irrelevant.

All in all, it may look like a hassle but it really isn't if organised. Doesn't take that much time. I prolly accumulated more items as CTB means in comparison.

Regarding finances that I've optimised through hand selection. I'm on a 130 € /mo budget, which I plan to get back & beyond following a huge performance boost at daily tasks. Half of the prescribed meds (green) is reimbursed by insurance. In yellow, it's the (illegal) microdosing truffle's cost. In red, is the legally, voluntarily sourced, mostly natural supplements... not using Purse.io, 25€ would add up. So for a person not handling cryptos, rather 150+€ in total.


Sorry, trying to be as precise as possible. After all, we evolve in the real world, not a dream.

Unrelated, ordered benzos (Midazolam & Valium), Escstasy pills, MDMA crystals & Ketamine ...for trial & to not die stupid. I just appreciate the knowledge in general and to not have predefined opinions of what I do not know.
. I do not fear I could drift into a slippery slope but trust I'm able to control myself. Before, I was straight edge. Until now, I'm not particularly sensitive to any drugs I've tested which I would say have been vaguely boring.

 

[so tired or manic]

I have a high tolerance for most drugs, especially benzos, except psych pills do better at lower doses. maybe you have a natural tolerance to what you've been taking.

 

[Viro_Major]

Definitely think so ! Or I've already turned a zombie without realising the mutation ;)

 

[Viro_Major]

Minor mods :

* downsizing Niacin back to 150mg due to mid/long-term safety concerns, even if it means no flush (it's expected to develop a tolerance) that I wasn't minding. Hope it will stay as effective.

Is Niacin Flush Harmful?

High doses of niacin can cause niacin flush, which appears as red skin that may itch or burn. This article explains what this is and whether it’s harmful.

www.healthline.com

Niacin and Depression: Using Vitamin B-3 to Treat Depression

Many people boast the benefits of vitamin B-3 for treating depression. We'll explain what science says and how a niacin deficiency may be connected.

www.healthline.com

Niacin (Vitamin B3): Benefits, Dosage, and more

Niacin (vitamin B3) is a very important nutrient for your body. It has many health benefits, along with several side effects if you take large doses.

www.healthline.com

* adding 500g of Turmeric in the evening as Curcumin with 95% Curcuminoids enhanced by Bioperine (black pepper) for improved absorption.

Turmeric for Depression: How to Use, Dosage, Side Effects, and More

Turmeric contains an active phytochemical, curcumin, which is an antioxidant and anti-inflammatory. Research has found that curcumin has the potential to improve a number of different health conditions — including depression. Here’s what you need to know about how it works, how to use it, and...

www.healthline.com

————


* Still researching, but plan to add persian Saffron soon, after I got positive feedback. Accidentely, it seems to work in synergy with Curcumin so that's an extra combination bonus.

11 Impressive Health Benefits of Saffron

Saffron — the most expensive spice in the world — has been revered for its medicinal properties since ancient times. Here are 11 impressive health benefits of saffron.

www.healthline.com

Efficacy of curcumin, and a saffron/curcumin combination for the treatment of major depression: A randomised, double-blind, placebo-controlled study - PubMed

Active drug treatments comprising differing doses of curcumin and combined curcumin/saffron were effective in reducing depressive and anxiolytic symptoms in people with major depressive disorder.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

* Considering Berberine temporarily to help with the final stage & crossing the finish line of my weight loss

Berberine — a Powerful Supplement with Many Benefits

Berberine is a compound extracted from several plants. It has many health benefits and may help protect against several chronic conditions.

www.healthline.com

==================

Morning :
* 5:30am, wake-up
* cold shower
* Andractim (prescription) cream 2.5mg (/maybe 5mg in september if my next blood analysis permits it)
* herbal adaptogen powder complex of Ashwaghanda (KSM-66), 300mg + Rhodiola Rosea (3% Rosavins & 1 % Salidrosides), 200 mg + Schisandra berry (200mg) + green tea (120mg) + L-Theanine (80mg) + Matcha green tea (1100mg), Ceylon Cinnamon, as warm latte drink with coconut milk
* DHEA (requires prescription around here), 50mg
* monday + wednesday + friday, hallucinogenic truffles (illegal), about Maakali strain, 1g, 10 weeks on (cause freshness) > 3 weeks off (cause tolerance)
* Lion's Mane (NGF Hericenones), 2x 425mg
* vitamin B3 Niacin - flush effect (important), 3x 50mg
* until 8am, entertainment + meditation
* water (glass bottles, not plastic), 730ml

Day :
* work outside (balcony / nature / travel), in the fresh air + sun (equipment: portable 4G antenna + MiFi domino + multi screen laptop & tablet with sun protection caps + trackball)
* pre-work preparation : mental visualisation exercices
* gaming glasses (blue light filter)
* bluetooth enabled closed headset with noise canceling


Sport :
* tuesday + thursday + saturday/sunday, HIIT (/rarely, cardio)
* after, plant protein blends (alternating enhancers: Turmeric & Bioperine, omega seeds, botanical essentials / Boswellia Serrata, electrolytes, enzymes, probiotics-bacterias), 33g with almond milk & smoothie
* water, 730ml

Afternoon :
* monday + friday, Tadalafil 20mg
* water, 730ml

Evening :
* water, 460ml
* 10:30/10:50pm
- Fluoxetine 5mg (20mg /4)
- Turmeric with 95% Curcuminoids & Bioperine for assimilation, 1x 500mg
- Omega 3 DHA from algae oil, 2x 400mg
- only the days unexposed to the sun during 15+ minutes partly naked, vitamin D3, 4000 IU + vitamin K2 mk7, 125 mcg
(- vitamin B12 (with Bioperine), 1500mcg, if period dominated by vegan diet)
- reading
* 11:40pm
- Propolis 1000mg, 3 months on > 1 month off
- Valeriane 3x 450mg
- aromatherapy, drops of lavender essential heated w/ candle & applied behind the ears, ankles
- eye mask

 

[Viro_Major]

Will never be employable, so this is the closest that it gets lol Absolutely not a job in my mind, just a side task which is available if/when I want to

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...he-need-objectively-exists.39366/#post-817851

My contributions are not tied contractually, but are going to be based on free will. This coincides exactly with my way of functioning. I'm at my best when I fancy the tasks I participate at, when I'm passionate about them, can organise my schedule freely and feed myself with my own healthy stress instead of receiving outside pressure. Otherwise, the commands I get must be handled with sensitivity before you want me to cooperate.

That said, I don't really lack self-discipline, on the contrary, I can set myself on fire with constraint to tyranic levels, without many efforts. Only this way seems to be line with my freedom
To speak the truth, I can be very demanding with my surroundings too.
It just happens I enjoy doers the more and can't stand those who spend their time to talk, debate, or apply breaks and/or negative emotions with anticipation. If you're not resilient and a speedy accomplisher along my side, or at least accept I am cause I've got no will to manipulate puppets, it's going to end with friction.




(Let's clone her infinitely ! Pure breed)

Some inspiration to mature with as second skin.

"True discipline is really just self-remembering; no forcing or fighting is necessary." ~ Charles Eisenstein
"It's been said that there are only two pains in life, the pain of discipline or the pain of regret, and that discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." ~ Anthony Robins
"A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering." ~ Dalai Lama
"Discipline is not about the rules, it is about respect. Its respect for those around you, the things you own and for yourself." ~ Janna Cachola
"Discipline trains you to put up with disappointments, every rose has a thorn." – Sai Baba (my twin bro )
"A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful." ~Jacqueline Bisset

This last quote alone sums up the core of the message my excellent friend has tried to express to me countless times. Here's the result

Heard. Let's meet in between, but now more far than halfway

 

[so tired or manic]

I give myself spreadsheets to fill out and tasks like this. gives some structure to my world without.

 

[Viro_Major]

I give myself spreadsheets to fill out and tasks like this. gives some structure to my world without.

I'm hearing you. I like to organise, plan, predict, architect my schedule when I can, like a strategist. Then it's so more effective to follow and even can be fun cause it opens doors by just following a path. Coincidentally, it also gives more room to explore outside the paved road... Not only discipline can make you feel good, but it certainly opens up the horizon. By locking and unlocking steps, you just advance and some pleasure can get along the way and indeed, make up for the hardships when you've proven yourself you can overcome them, without being overwhelmed to be put aside a rush agenda, etc. Slowly, it can turn a story into a realised prophecy

Today, I finished to setup the rest of my year's planning ...on a spreadsheet ;) (I used to be an Excel maniac oriented towards turning them pretty for my satisfaction, as much as content. Now I can't be arsed about anything but efficiency, I strip them down on the focus, as giving pointers only, the rest lies in my mind and I'm playing to rearrange the bricks like a maestro. To be honest, it can be enjoyable to prove yourself you're capable of extending away and I believe that for this purpose, discipline is the uttermost key available. Make life a video game with stages and bounties ! ;) it's ok to die 50 times with infinite credit if you decide it's something you can afford and learn from. As is, grow your own master before meeting the final boss.

Live and let live ? Another ...maestro...



By July 2021, hopefully I'll have my life fully back on track ...extended beyond what was ever before and heading limitless. I wish to surprise myself, and gift me with some impossible

 

[Viro_Major]

For the memory of the comeback (better be glorious or not be lol)




...defo lacking some aesthetics - hurts my feelings haha




Made the plan look as difficult as simple, which is a correct representation, it's both at the same time. My application to respect it with dominance will tilt the balance to one side or the other.

For the time being, brainwanking on pause, left behind



edit: it's so helpful to publish for reference, magnifies my outlook, spotting corrections to review

 

[Viro_Major]

Mods :

* again lowering the B3 Niacin (acid type) routine, from 150mg daily to 50mg, to ensure a permanent but safe base for the core supplements' dispersion, that I will raise to 3x 50mg to help trigger a flush only the days I take the microdosing of magic truffles (monday/wednesday/thursday). With the spacing, I should be less tolerant to the now occasional flushes instead of a daily habit, thus taking less for safety. As a whole, I believe the benefits of my regimen are persistent over time

* for the rest of the year, starting as of September, will take 2x 500mg of Berberine to squeeze my Body Mass Index during the final run of my weight loss

* added as a mood enhancer / libido booster, stalled as a reward after daily tasks are completed, Safr'Inside standardised extract, 30mg once a day

* Turmeric capsules stain a lot on everything, outside of the soft gelatine shells. Will use tweezers to manipulate them

* Initially, Propolis was taken at night to count on its airflow clearing abilities to allow a better night's sleep. Now that this part seems fixed (not waking up in the middle of the night any longer, feeling fully rested at wake as soon as I open my eyes ...which was clearly not the case before but a nightmare at every stage) but maybe not to attribute to it specifically, I may use its properties just as well during the day if/when I get physical, with sport (or sex). Also, I prefer not to mix it with with the anti-depressant agents

Not explaining all the evolutions of logic which make me decide but as my understanding grows of the big picture, I dive into details more. Some of which I take no time to share, also because they're personal assumptions leading to arrangements, not rocket science

==================

Morning :
* 5:30am, wake-up
* cold shower
* Andractim (prescription) cream 2.5mg (/maybe 5mg in september if my next blood analysis permits it)
* herbal adaptogen powder complex of Ashwaghanda (KSM-66), 300mg + Rhodiola Rosea (3% Rosavins & 1 % Salidrosides), 200 mg + Schisandra berry (200mg) + green tea (120mg) + L-Theanine (80mg) + Matcha green tea (1100mg), Ceylon Cinnamon, as warm latte drink with coconut milk
* DHEA (requires prescription around here), 50mg
* monday + wednesday + friday, hallucinogenic truffles (illegal), about Maakali strain, 1g, 10 weeks on (cause freshness) > 3 weeks off (cause tolerance)
* Lion's Mane (NGF - Neuro Growth Factor - Hericenones), 2x 425mg
* vitamin B3 Niacin - acid nicotinic type (flush effect), 1x 50mg, except on mondays/wednesdays/fridays then 3x 50mg
* until 8am, entertainment + meditation
* water (glass bottles, not plastic), 730ml

Day / work :
* as much as possible spent outside (balcony / nature / traveling), in the fresh air + sun (equipment: portable 4G antenna + MiFi domino + multi screen laptop & tablet with sun protection caps + trackball)
* pre-work preparation : mental visualisation exercices
* closed / locked environnement without disturbances
* bluetooth enabled closed headset with noise canceling
* gaming glasses (blue light filter)

Afternoon :
* preferably in advance of physical activity, Propolis 1000mg, 3 months on > 1 month off
* water, 730ml

Sport :
* tuesday + thursday + saturday/sunday, HIIT (/rarely, cardio)
* after, plant protein blends (alternating enhancers: Turmeric & Bioperine, omega seeds, botanical essentials / Boswellia Serrata, electrolytes, enzymes, probiotics-bacterias), 33g with almond milk & smoothie
* water, 730ml

"Afterwork" :
* bio saffron w/ 2% safranal & 3% crocines, 1x 30mg
* monday + friday, Tadalafil 20mg

Evening :
* 10:30/10:50pm
- Fluoxetine 5mg (20mg /4)
- Turmeric with 95% Curcuminoids & Bioperine for assimilation, 1x 500mg
- Omega 3 DHA from algae oil, 2x 400mg
- only the days unexposed to the sun during 15+ minutes partly naked, vitamin D3, 4000 IU + vitamin K2 mk7, 125 mcg
(- vitamin B12 (with Bioperine), 1500mcg, if period dominated by vegan diet)
- reading
* 11:40pm
- Valeriane 3x 450mg
- aromatherapy, drops of lavender essential heated w/ candle & applied behind the ears, cheeks, forehead, ankles
- eye mask
- water, 460ml

 

[Viro_Major]

The days of this week look the same : administrative paperwork, over and over again ...and again.
In France, we found out a member of the government was not filing his tax (not the first one, we got a minister who was hiding his money in Switzerland). He dared to defend himself by stating he had "administrative phobia". Yeah, I understand the pain. Wish I catched this same disease and use it as an excuse too.

So, like 3 weeks ago, I was told I shouldn't repass my driving licence cause the law had changed and now I was meeting the criterias to exchange my non-european permit for the national one ...today, oh surprise, I learned that the person who informed me hallucinated and that it was wrong, the law was still the same and therefore I was not meeting the delays to exchange my licence anymore. How come ?! Fucking cunts have put me on a false hope. Talking about delays, that's ironic that they were asking me for a year max, but on their side, when asked how long they do take to simply exchange 2 licences, they reply "up to 1 year and a half".
Since I started, I only inquired for a single paper in order tounlock my advancement. 3 weeks elapsed so I called the office, just to face a woman stating "got your files in front of me, but you know, it's summertime and we are under-staffed" ...sigh. Damn, I would fire all these incompetent humans and replace them by robots any day. No way I'll stay in my native country in the mid/long term, I'm now too used to a functional country (Andorra) where common sense is applied and inter-relationships make a difference in the daily life. Last time, I had a question for a lawyer, she didn't know the answer so she immediately offered to hit on the minister cause she could see him in the afternoon. This is just an example but I could go on and on at how effective the procedures are here. Night and day. Everything is simple. I like this atmosphere of a village where the people stayed grounded and the law or routines are just references to be modulated with intelligence.



This is my previous month's phone bill ...spending my days trying to reach the french services, being put on hold, etc. Hours lost, almost doing nothing else. Next month is likely gonna be the same amount to pay.
So really, "administrative phobic" Mr the minister ? Right, #metoo

 

[Viro_Major]

Mods again (detailed explanations inside the spoiler) :

Spoiler

* in the morning, "contrast shower" instead of cold shower ... whose protocol will be described in a link I'll provide later. Basically, it's just alternating between the most extreme temperatures you can handle, hot then cold, and vice-versa, pushing your limits every day.
Set in the morning, it's less torturous than a simple cold shower cause you see the changes coming. Smoother non abrupt transitions = easier when you're still sleepy. Plus obviously, it seems to have cool benefits about the blood circulation, skin health, etc...
NB: keeping the strict cold shower after the sport sessions, to cool down the body

While we're on the subject, the only negatives I've gone through from the massive regimen I'm applying has been gastric reflux, which was upping up to my throat, not very pleasantly since frequent. I searched where it was coming from, between DHEA and B3 Niacin. Now I'm positive it's the Niacin which is not gentle on the stomach and creates acidity. Hence why I also downgraded its quantity. Now, I'm (about) fine again. Completely without Niacin, I'm completely fine, but Niacin is just too good of a surprise to quit it. It has been very effective for me.

* transitioning to Propolis daily, cycled 3 months on, 1 off ...to Propolis the days of the week when I don't take the psilocybin, that is tuesdays/thursdays/saturdays/sundays ...and it will be ongoing without pause.
Reasons : Propolis is usually meant as temporary cures so I'll keep to alternate it somehow. I prefer to flatten my pills' consumption without too many bumps during the week. Since I'm fluctuating some intakes, I'll be also spanning them over time evenly. Lastly, Propolis has some strong anti-fungal / anti-bacterial, maybe anti-viral (not sure) ? properties and I prefer to let my shrooms' base live its course not interfered, although I hold no guarantee about any interaction, out of doubt, I'm optimising

* adding a large dose of L-Citrulline in the afternoon, 3x 2g a day (I'll also try 6g in a single shot), because it's reported as safe, targeted prior sport the days it will be scheduled (haven't started it yet, still too much to do opposed to too little time). It increases blood flow a lot by releasing Nitrous Oxyde, as a precursor to L-Arginine, but metabolises better. Consequently, it also helps with physical efforts: users report the ability to perform better, up to +50% reps in bodybuilding. Almost no side effects. In general, I'm interested at any component that can enhance the distribution of my supplements, similarly to Piperine, and globally my vitality. This includes working on the cardio-pulmonary system to facilitate and decluster it.
The sportsmen who fancy an immediate action will prefer L-Citrulline with Malate, to take 1 hour before getting busy. L-Citrulline without Malate tends to install itself after a week only of repeated use.

* I'm now sure that anti-depressants are nasty and evil, if I compare their actions against the natural stuff. Despite Prozac tasting like candy split anyway, under the coating), it is a lot more toxic and non-innocent with bad sides, and I can tell it even at a quarter of a pill. To be honest, I see no use to SSRIs anymore if it is to treat depression and anxiety. In fact, some absolutely harmless supplements work magically to control these areas. Still, it *seems* I tolerate Fluoxetine better than Paroxetine, at least at this infinitesimal dose. I notice no noticeable sexual health degradation. Benefit ? Not sure, but not on the sedative side, maybe it energises me a little. I'm here to experiment and have set my policy to underdose the treatments that work on me, in order to control their abuse on the downside, and counterbalance the ineffective ones by pushing their intakes. So, I take the decision to switch from 1 quarter to half a Prozac each evening ...to monitor its' influence closer (no decision is final).
Overall, I can tell I'm doing way better than not long ago, just because my Weewee is a lot more alive in general haha. I'm rather happy about my global regimen. It seems I'm on the right track and could defeat a non-neglectable part of the illness of my med intoxication syndrome. It's super encouraging and I'm really happy.
Final word about anti-depressants, I'm expecting from them miscellaneous impacts I don't get with other items. About Paroxetine, I enjoyed the rewiring of attitude it led me to, regarding the opposite sex. It didn't only impact my libido but also the mental aspect of the relationships. As curious as it sounds, I'd comment it made me less impressed about girls, unlike I was a distinct separated entity from them. Sort of, it made me feel less like a beast subject to his hormones, so more in control and at the same level of brotherhood and human empathy, notwithstanding the gender. Caught by surprise, I kind of liked the psychological update, which felt empowering due to some equality gained.
Conclusion, I'll continue to experiment until I find an appropriate. The only thing I'm certain, anti-depressants come with trade-offs, whereas the non-chemical nootropics come with zero counterparty, or barely.

Misc :
- studied Melatonin but the final word is that Valerian Root is superior, although they act differently (Melatonin more about the trigger, Valerian root more on deep sleep, which I found to be more important after a life hygiene as been achieved where the inset of insomnia was taken cared of). Keeping Valerian root
- optimised my cost efficiency, now at 160 € /mo, despite many additions. Without the prescription meds which I have changed the sourcing also, to get them without prescription... soon I don't plan to need a doctor anymore, I'm my own, I'm rather at 120 € /mo
- all my pills are the vegan type, because it matters to me
- adding a "secret weapon" in the morning, whose nature I won't reveal, but I hope it will bring me some fun, especially during the social times :)

I will post soon a sort of summary of the science of all the various supplements, linking to external sources. Cause really, there are so many tracks to explore that can turn people go better on many aspects, up to be life changing, like it's happening to me. I'm now a strong believer that both psychological and physical health can be greatly fixed with the appropriate dose of attention. Side note, thanks to @Sensei for the inspiration that put me in the mood to take another try at taking care of myself. I had caught a glimpse of the curing potential of supplements before but just needed to be more serious about the way I approach them. Done with immense satisfaction.

==================

Morning :
* 5:30am, wake-up
* contrast shower
* Andractim (prescription) cream 2.5mg (/maybe 5mg in september if my next blood analysis permits it)
* herbal adaptogen powder complex of Ashwaghanda (KSM-66), 300mg + Rhodiola Rosea (3% Rosavins & 1 % Salidrosides), 200 mg + Schisandra berry (200mg) + green tea (120mg) + L-Theanine (80mg) + Matcha green tea (1100mg), Ceylon Cinnamon, as warm latte drink with coconut milk
* DHEA (requires prescription around here), 50mg
* monday + wednesday + friday, hallucinogenic truffles (illegal), about Maakali strain, 1g, 10 weeks on (cause freshness) >> 3 weeks off (cause tolerance)
* Lion's Mane (NGF - Neuro Growth Factor - Hericenones), 2x 425mg
* vitamin B3 Niacin - acid nicotinic type (flush effect), 1x 50mg, except on monday/wednesday/friday then 3x 50mg
* L-Citrulline, powder 2g
* secret weapon
* until 8am, entertainment + meditation
* water (glass bottles, not plastic), 730ml

Day / work :
* as much as possible spent outside (balcony / nature / traveling), in the fresh air + sun (equipment: portable 4G antenna + MiFi domino + multi screen laptop & tablet with sun protection caps + trackball)
* pre-work preparation : mental visualisation exercices
* closed / locked environnement without disturbances
* bluetooth enabled closed headset with noise canceling
* gaming glasses (blue light filter)

Afternoon :
* preferably in advance of physical activity
- Propolis, 1x 1000mg, on tuesday/thursday/saturday/sunday
- L-Citrulline, powder 2g
* water, 730ml

Sport :
* tuesday + thursday + saturday/sunday, High-Intensity Interval Training (/rarely, cardio effort)
* after, plant protein blends (alternating enhancers: Turmeric & Bioperine, omega seeds, botanical essentials / Boswellia Serrata, electrolytes, enzymes, probiotics-bacterias), 33g with almond milk & smoothie
* water, 730ml

"Afterwork" :
* bio saffron w/ 2% safranal & 3% crocines, 1x 30mg
* monday + friday, Tadalafil 20mg

Evening :
* 10:30/10:50pm
- Fluoxetine 10mg (20mg cut in two)
- Turmeric with 95% Curcuminoids & Bioperine for assimilation, 1x 500mg
- Omega 3 DHA + EPA from algae oil, 2x 400mg
- only the days unexposed to the sun during 15+ minutes partly naked, vitamin D3, 4000 IU + vitamin K2 mk7, 125 mcg
(- vitamin B12 (with Bioperine), 1500mcg, if period dominated by vegan diet)
- L-Citrulline, powder 2g
- reading
* 11:40pm
- Valerian root, 3x 450mg
- aromatherapy, drops of lavender essential heated w/ candle & applied behind the ears, on the cheeks, forehead & ankles
- eye mask
- water, 460ml

 

[Viro_Major]

French lesson of the day



À quoi bon jouer
La comédie
Comme on dit ...

Une goutte de pluie
Et c'est fini
Un coup de vent
Et tout fout le camp

C'est dit du reste
Dans ton allure
Et tes gestes

Tes silences en attestent
C'est comme écrit là,
Evident,
Manifeste.

Crois-tu seulement qu'un jour tu puisses
Changer?

Voir et laisser
Filer j'y suis
Peu enclin

Tes menaces, tes crises
Et tes soliloqui
Ne m'impressionnent point.

Avant que ne
Te tue le manque
D'entrain

Avant que la coque
Ne se disloque
Je m'en viendrai
Te botter le train

Crois-tu seulement qu'un jour tu puisses
Changer?

Dans tes yeux cette lueur
Trahit malgré toi la terreur
Tes états d'âme, tes humeurs
Qu'est-ce donc sinon de la pudeur?

Toutes ces questions
Oh te les a-t-on jamais posées?

Crois-tu seulement qu'un jour tu puisses
Changer?

Crois-tu seulement qu'un jour tu puisses
Changer?

 

[Viro_Major]

So, like 3 weeks ago, I was told I shouldn't repass my driving licence cause the law had changed and now I was meeting the criterias to exchange my non-european permit for the national one ...today, oh surprise, I learned that the person who informed me hallucinated and that it was wrong, the law was still the same and therefore I was not meeting the delays to exchange my licence anymore. How come ?!

Rebound of the Dallas episode ! Today, u-turn again, was told that they are unaware that I left abroad for many years. They believe I still own my french licence and have no clue it has been exchanged for a foreign one, thus destroyed. To simplify things, I'm taking the decision to profit from their stupidity : monday I'll go to the police station to claim that I lost the document on the streets, and cross fingers they reissue one, without involving an exchange of papers, neither passing again the exam.

In the end, let's not be lazy. I have set myself a new goal since I've cleared this one. I will pass a heavy camping car / middle sized truck licence instead, in order to optimise my free time ;) Accidently, I have already paid for the theorical course, so now it's just a matter of 2-3 days of studying and 30 € to unlock it so I can practice for that next level permit.
Why am I doing this ? To push myself and also to remember my deceased father. He was a flight mechanical engineer (3rd man in the cockpit aside pilots, now an obsolete career replaced by the technology) and instructor for Air France and various airline companies - even african ones - and despite being a tremedous traveler all his life, worldwide to amazing places (I flew away with him often, under his umbrella), his dream was more sober, which was to drive around Europe in a camping car, at his own will and pace... another kind of freedom. Unfortunately, while walking in the mountain, view facing the most prestigious peak of Switzerland, he suddenly died of a heart attack young (62yo) before fulfilling it, before retirement, so it could never happen. I hold his regret in my heart and my intention is to one day live a taste of his dream through a proxy so his memory can be honoured and live through me. Even if I just rent a big sized camping car for a couple months, not purchasing one extensively, there are places I would joyfully fool around at, be it in the north in Scandinavia and the Baltic countries or the Balkans, the ex-soviet places, up close to the Middle East, why not Iran as final destination which is fond in my heart.

About this, set dates in early november for the practical part, spanned over 3 days intensively, exam included, instead of 5, at my request. That licence (vehicles between 3500 and 7000kg) is unpopular and rare, not many driving school offer the courses, so I'll be away from home, hence booked a hotel.
About the theorical part, I'll begin to train myself next week and hopefully apply soon after. In 15 days, I'm done, in august, like planned initially, perfect. Moving on fast over the "tedious" segments, to free myself for pleasurable things ahead

 

[Viro_Major]

Forgot to mention I'll get the L-Citrulline amino acid in bulk format for savings, due to heavy consumption planned. Will see how to prepare it, since the taste is reported as rather pitiful.

Allright, I'm on a roll for a moon drink, my first "cooking" recipe. That last water bottle of the day will soak in wholly valerian root (replacing tabs) since the morning, topped with honey. Occasionally, will add fresh crushed garlic and/or lemon balm. If melissa is good for dogs, it's good enough for me

edit : I may or may not regroup the spread out 3x 2g of L-Citrulline into one 6g shot in the afternoon, cause don't want the repeated hassle of handling powder to mix too frequently; i.e. I want this routine to stay as care-free and fast to get down as possible



Afraid to slowly become a smart drugs' nerd. Catching myself reading versus comparison of supplements. I may fit in the crowd of Hollywood / Malibu grandmas any day.


=========

Morning :
* 5:30am, wake-up
* contrast shower
* Andractim (prescription) cream 2.5mg (/maybe 5mg in september if my next blood analysis permits it)
* herbal adaptogen powder complex of Ashwaghanda (KSM-66), 300mg + Rhodiola Rosea (3% Rosavins & 1 % Salidrosides), 200 mg + Schisandra berry (200mg) + green tea (120mg) + L-Theanine (80mg) + Matcha green tea (1100mg), Ceylon Cinnamon, as warm latte drink with coconut milk
* DHEA (requires prescription around here), 50mg
* monday + wednesday + friday, hallucinogenic truffles (illegal), about Maakali strain, 1g, 10 weeks on (cause freshness) >> 3 weeks off (cause tolerance)
* Lion's Mane (NGF - Neuro Growth Factor - Hericenones), 2x 425mg
* vitamin B3 Niacin - acid nicotinic type (flush effect), 1x 50mg, except on monday/wednesday/friday then 3x 50mg
* L-Citrulline, powder 2g
* experimental evening drink preparation : water 460ml + heaped teaspoon of valerian root - 2g ? + honey + alternating between fresh crushed garlic or lemon balm on&off, let it rest cold infuse for the day
* secret weapon
* until 8am, entertainment + meditation
* water (glass bottles, not plastic), 730ml

Day / work :
* as much as possible spent outside (balcony / nature / traveling), in the fresh air + sun (equipment: portable 4G antenna + MiFi domino + multi screen laptop & tablet with sun protection caps + trackball)
* pre-work preparation : mental visualisation exercices
* closed / locked environnement without disturbances
* bluetooth enabled closed headset with noise canceling
* gaming glasses (blue light filter)

Afternoon :
* preferably in advance of physical activity
- Propolis, 1x 1000mg, on tuesday/thursday/saturday/sunday
- L-Citrulline, powder 2g
* water, 730ml

Sport :
* tuesday + thursday + saturday/sunday, High-Intensity Interval Training (/rarely, cardio effort)
* after, plant protein blends (alternating enhancers: Turmeric & Bioperine, omega seeds, botanical essentials / Boswellia Serrata, electrolytes, enzymes, probiotics-bacterias), 33g with almond milk & smoothie
* water, 730ml

"Afterwork" :
* bio saffron w/ 2% safranal & 3% crocines, 1x 30mg
* monday + friday, Tadalafil 20mg

Evening :
* 10:30/10:50pm
- Fluoxetine 10mg (20mg cut in two)
- Turmeric with 95% Curcuminoids & Bioperine for assimilation, 1x 500mg
- Omega 3 DHA + EPA from algae oil, 2x 400mg
- only the days unexposed to the sun during 15+ minutes partly naked, vitamin D3, 4000 IU + vitamin K2 mk7, 125 mcg
(- vitamin B12 (with Bioperine), 1500mcg, if period dominated by vegan diet)
- L-Citrulline, powder 2g
- reading
* 11:40pm
- evening drink prepared in the morning
- aromatherapy, drops of lavender essential heated w/ candle & applied behind the ears, on the cheeks, forehead & ankles
- eye mask
- water, 460ml

 

[Viro_Major]

It's been the second time I've been off B3 Niacin, during this previous week. Yet again, I've been rapidly feeling more unwell with some psychological weaknesses flashing that I had to control and let go. I'll do my best to refuse and reject all the imaginable suffering from now on, as was passed onto such teaching by one of my best friend.
Anyway, I'm now almost confident that acid nicotinic plays a pivot role in my better being. Totally unexpected but fortunate.

About the downsides, last time I mentioned acid reflux, which could come from the massive amount of pills, powders, cream I administrate to myself, just as the side effect of a given targeted element. I forgot to mention, it seems that my short-term memory has worsened, but at the same time my long term memory is resurrecting strongly. I have been able to surprise people I had not seen in a while by remembering small events that happened 10 years ago. However, I do tend to take more time to reboot my brain about the present and close past. I mean, I've occasionally gotten zaps. I don't know if it has to do with the neurological rewiring coming from the Lion's Mane because it has been the base I always maintained (I articulated around it). All in all, a gain is equilibrating a loss. Until now, nothing alarming, just observations. Maybe it will stabilise.

The rest though is very fantastic and promising, cause I know I've got room yet again in front of me, plenty of room to build up momentum by fine-tuning my efforts, the knowledge, discover the synergies and globally understand myself.
In concrete, I wake up each day sooner than the last one, with the impression that I've slept like a lazy bum until noon, but to my surprise it's like 6 or 7am really. I feel close to fully rested and immediately operational with energy ! For me, it's a game changer, something totally uncommon cause my mornings have always been on the dramaturgic side, understand, utmost difficult, filled with creepy depression, brain masturbation with thoughts of obsessive trauma looping and immense fatigue. This new outlook for me is a blessing really. The inner me appears about clear and clean, available to start the day.
During the day itself, am certainly not yet at 100%, but it's night and day versus before. I just am invested with inner ressources to carry on easily, like I became a motor that have the ability to not stop. It's my surrounding which is begging me to break and get some rest, but I don't and go asleep from sane exhaustion only. Hence, bye bye insomnia.
I'm quicker, thinking more vividly, multi-tasking more. I derive pleasure to be overwhelmed with complexity, which is a degree of attention close to the real me. I fancy to solve problems and be challenged if I'm being honest. I'm tested positive at MENSA, supposedly > 130 IQ, I recognise that boredom is a killer for me, but even normal moments could be. Ill, I was incapacitated to plainly express the part of me that needs a drive, but now boosted by these add-ons, I'm probably closer to a normal healthy person. It gives me the fuel to step closer to my potential and expectations.
I also feel more incarnating my body. Some moves get at me more naturally. Sometimes I notice a body member's movement is triggering in automatic mode, like an intuitive coordination uncorrelated between my mind and intent. If I had to make a comparison, the best feeling I ever had is not from an external stimulation but the transe sensation when you play music for a long time, while being in a good mood on top of recent adrenaline. It is a sense of connection which is graceful, when every part of you seem united, where you just melt to make 1 with yourself and the environnement. I wouldn't say I'm feeling that good, neither permanently (I wish) but sort of half-way there, gently, less noticeably, more united between the spirit and corpse, whereas I had a tendency to strugle for coordination. Maybe I'm only living through a normality I've forgotten since 25 years, but I do feel empowered. I'm no longer a dysfunctional version 0.5 but 1.5 and eager to check on the next upgrade.
Obviously, it goes along much more positive emotions and a sense of self-respect, with a consciousness that I do matter and that I need to defend this acquisition. The bar of my imagination is raising and I get more creative, bridging ideas much more, along with a surprising sense of openness. I'm more daring, some fears have dropped. Globally, I'm a lot more confident, as well as faithful that a bright futur is awaiting me, I perceive the signs. It's like I had my eyes closed until now, or my head in the sand like an ostrich and now I see, I spit the sand out that was preventing to breathe. Things are not overly different around me as a whole, but my perspectives have evolved. I've unlocked a secret box where the world is waiting for me to bend down and greet til it bows me back. I'm not perceiving oppositions anymore but a collaboration. I cannot describe in short how it makes sense for me, but I'm a believer of pantheism through experiences and I trust that my reorientation have been noticed and I'm waved at. Sort of, I could never be alone again if I don't let myself down. Here begins my duty.

 

[Viro_Major]

Motivated to starve myself once again. Resistant ceiling at 81kg, here I come to get ya. Starting to slowly enjoy your body helps (ok, it doesn't sound modest, but it's time for exceptional freedom)

edit: think I'm gonna raise from 1/2 to 1 Fluoxetine soon for exploration purpose. Or 1/4 Fluoxetine + 1/4 Paroxetine, although I should research more and apply caution about this combination due to increased chances of serotonine syndrome

 

[Viro_Major]

Motivated to starve myself once again.

Why have I been offered brownies, couldn't resist

In concrete, I wake up each day sooner than the last one, with the impression that I've slept like a lazy bum until noon, but to my surprise it's like 6 or 7am really. I feel close to fully rested and immediately operational with energy ! For me, it's a game changer, something totally uncommon cause my mornings have always been on the dramaturgic side, understand, utmost difficult, filled with creepy depression, brain masturbation with thoughts of obsessive trauma looping and immense fatigue. This new outlook for me is a blessing really. The inner me appears about clear and clean, available to start the day.

5:40am without efforts ! Getting there, closer to my goal. Enjoying to be up before anyone and later catch the sunrise. Brings back memories of the only time I ever been employed, which was part night shift at an airport, looking through glass windows at the tarmac. The calmness, the deep silence and rising colours before the beehives comes out of its torpor.
Unrelated but not irrelevant ...my morning woods are back! It's like I really am winning over the disease. Shall I shed a tear ? Cannot be more thrilled. Make room for the MAZZY me

Yet again a remark I skipped last time, my strength has been demultiplied. The unlock is, well for sure it's not physical, got no improvement of my physical force overnight, it's all about a freed transmission. My mind's no longer putting a break. Or maybe it is no more present but letting my body express itself. It's weird but I get a sense of limitless infinity, like my force could be matched to my will without a blockade.
I'm growing as a danger, with this consciousness I can eat the world and explode every rock in front of my path. Part of this furious energy, I know where it comes from. It's due to letting enter myself with a specific type of emotions which I've trained at over the years, which I became better at transforming. I got better at reverting my rage back instead of being eaten up and now it turned as second skin, not even thinking about it at times. It's sitting there with me, like an ally, a big brother that I can call to the rescue on command. It's not always free of suffering but it's bearable, making me unique. Never was a choice but gotta do with the teachings of my trajectory. The past shaped who I am and now I better take advantage of it.




Kiss landing : acquired a air humidifier, which is a piece of gear I've always been attracted to since childhood. I just dig fresh mist... and it riding on my skin. That said, watch out for the colds, abused it can make a man sick, cause it sets a field prone to bacteria proliferation which can weaken your defences, up to be harmful
Also getting a sunrise simulation device as wake-up clock, although not sure I'll use it often, only when I'm forced to set an alarm, otherwise I prefer to respect the randomness of my sleep cycles, let it happen

PS: think I was wrong about the B3 Niacin causing stomach irritation. Now pretty certain it comes from the truffles which are corrosive & acidic. They almost drag a faint vomit alike after-taste

 

[Viro_Major]

 

[purplesmoothie]

Are you vegan? Sorry if it's an obvious question. And I don't know you but I'm proud of your recovery :)

 

[Viro_Major]

Thx for chiming in ! I take your words as encouragement :)

I was vegan for 4 years, then about a year ago I reverted to an ovo-lacto vegetarian regimen, for simplicity (and mental comfort, ahem), when I went downhill. And you ? You juice blueberries ? lol (purple is my fave colour!)

I'd like to switch again eventually but after I take it more seriously. Let:s say I was not paying attention to the health aspect before, but following it a trashy way, purely out of conviction ...thus I was far from a chief !

I've realised just recently that maybe there is more than supplementing with B12 which is heard of / talked about.
I must have been deficient in vitamin B3 for instance, and it seems to make a great difference on depression for me (i.e. B3 contributes to generate some neurotransmitters...)

 

[purplesmoothie]

Thx for chiming in ! I take your words as encouragement :)

I was vegan for 4 years, then about a year ago I reverted to an ovo-lacto vegetarian regimen, for simplicity (and mental comfort, ahem), when I went downhill. And you ? You juice blueberries ? lol (purple is my fave colour!)

I'd like to switch again eventually but after I take it more seriously. Let:s say I was not paying attention to the health aspect before, but following it a trashy way, purely out of conviction ...thus I was far from a chief !

That's cool I'm vegetarian rn because at the facility I'm at they don't cater to vegan diets. That's really cool :) purple is my favorite color to ha hence the username. There's this really cool video of a raw vegan YouTuber, fullyraw Kristina whose eye color changed over the years from being a raw vegan. I want to be vegan for the animals but I am worried about the nutrition part tbh too. You have to help yourself before you can help others

I've realised just recently that maybe there is more than supplementing with B12 which is heard of / talked about.
I must have been deficient in vitamin B3 for instance, and it seems to make a great difference on depression for me (i.e. B3 contributes to generate some neurotransmitters...)

Oops sorry my reply is mixed in with yours

 

[Viro_Major]

There's this really cool video of a raw vegan YouTuber, fullyraw Kristina whose eye color changed over the years from being a raw vegan.

Oh really, that's possible, without colour lenses ? Did they get clearer ? Looks like time to go out and become the queen of the night :) My eyes turned from grey-green young to green-yellow but just over time, as normal maturation. My ex used to comment they look like sunflowers.

You're right about the mindset to take care of yourself first, as a respect before presenting yourself in front of others.

Becoming vegan is certainly not a light commitment. There are many nutrients which are found in high proportions in animal based products because they've been processed in these organisms beforehand. The more I read lately, the more I discover it's definitely needed to have an well-rounded knowledge about nutrition to transition. Doing things poorly, the deficiencies can be real and more global than what the vegan propaganda narrows it down.
That said, all things considered, if you manage to balance the plant based diet, you could achieve tremendous benefits. It is proven that a low carbs' regimen can be much more efficiently healthy than a low fat one where the focus is at measuring down calories. Some keto adepts eat like pigs (in terms of quantities) delicious food, yet still grow amazingly ripped bodies. It's ok to continue fats but important to cut down on sugars and processed foods for whole ones. By the way, fibers don't count as carbs in vegetables/fruits. The tricky part remains about proteins cause there are several types (7 I think) which isolated are inefficient so you've got to diversify the plant protein intakes and get enough.