I feel trapped by si more than anything.
I totally get it. It's natural for the body to want to survive when it clearly doesn't get life is not worth living all the way through.
I am isolated and alone, so I am not forced to stay, I am not able to commit because I am afraid of reincarnation
This is actually understandable. I read in a book a while ago about Gnosticism & how we are essentially stuck in a loop of reincarnation to be slaves. It mentioned somehow when we die, our spirits are reincarnated into another "fresh body" I guess a new born or something lol. Anyways.. I think as long as you're aware of what's really going on, you can no longer be trapped in the reincarnation cycle.
Autohypnosis has helped me in other ways, it just can't accomplish anything that goes against your values, and one of my most guarded ones is my love of my sisters. I always put myself on the line to defend my sisters from my parents (at least after 6th grade) when they bullied them for their clothing, grades, beliefs, or even just because they went crazy on certain days for practically no reason, even when they threatened to kick me out as a minor, so in truth, it never would have accomplished such a feat of making me go back on them.
i actually got the idea from an old declassified army report about controlling the body more thoroughly with meditation, and obviously didn't believe the results (due to their cooperation with a known scam artist) and chalked them up to autohypnosis and have been using it since. mostly for things like repressing bad memories and feelings though...
Wow, I'm really sorry you and your sisters had to endure that. I think often our childhood traumas can easily be a huge problem during adulthood. I've been taking "happy pills" such as lamictal to help which honestly it's helped a lot but.. I still see the way the world really is and once you do, you can never put back on the rose colored glasses.
I am trapped because of my parents. Although they weren't perfect, they love me. My grandma would die of shock if I ctb. And I feel the need to finish university first. It's especially not fair to ctb towards my mother, as her father died after being robbed and beaten and she had a miscarriage after me. But on the other hand, it's not fair towards me to force me to live a life on hard mode due to my mental illness. I'll definitely not ctb until summer 2026. From then, I'll see as I go, whether or not it's fit to stay.
I think as time passes, it becomes increasingly harder to opt out. I'm glad you're able to have a plan/goal towards what you'll do. I'm also sorry about your mom's loss and the miscarriage. However, it almost feels like she uses that as a way to hold on tighter to you which makes sense.. But it's also selfish to put all of that responsibility onto you.
I've been forcing myself to stay. My family don't know the extent of what I feel although, it must be obvious I'm miserable.
I do feel like having children is creating a codependent relationship where- not only are we dependent on them- to begin with at the very least, we also end up having to do all sorts of things we may not want to- not to hurt or disappoint them. Including staying alive!
Whether they actually do try to emotionally blackmail us or not- that bond is there (hopefully- even worse in some ways, if it's not) and we know what it will do to them to break it. It just feels like such a mannipulative thing to do to someone. I've grown very antinatilist as I've aged.
Obviously, that's not the ideal of course! I'm sure their hope was that we will have enjoyed our lives. Cherished our bond with them. Been grateful for the experience of life and, all they did for us.
Truthfully, my reality feels more like, they sort of did it with love but, not much sense. My Mum was diagnosed with quite a serious cancer at the same time of conceiving. I wished they'd thought things through better. Not only for them but, for me. The reality of a parent dying. The possible problems of being raised by others. But, I just think parenthood was something they were so intent to experience that they just ignored all of that.
It aggravates me generally though. Children aren't accessories or emotional crutches. It really annoys me- the whole- they bring purpose to someone else's life. What about them though? What happens when they grow up too? Most of us are expected to work. Whether we like the life we're working for or not. I'm just so tired of living and working to appease others.
This was very well written and I agree with you 100%. I'm also anti-natalist and feel that those who have kids are just passing the curse of capitalism, work, & all the ups/downs of life onto the kids. The irony of being able to have all the kids you want, but you can't die when you want. This is definitely done on purpose as once you're in the rat race, there's no getting out. The act of being an NPC is so draining, I just don't even talk to people anymore. Not to get rude, just don't feel like faking anymore since becoming aware. Wish I could award this post, but I'm not sure how to do that so I'll just say thank you for sharing your thoughts. It really resonated.
Wow we're forced to stay for the same reason!! My dad threw away my SN and basically guards the mailbox to make sure I don't order more. Also I'm too young for a gun, can't afford charcoal stuff, have nowhere to jump, and I'm too afraid of hanging. Having no method is whats forcing me to keep living. SN was my only chance and now it's gone
Wow! Literally what my mom does. She's got informed delivery now which tells what's in the mailbox and where it came from. I literally feel what you have felt in the sense that we were robbed of the chance of having a peaceful death with SN & now we've been doomed into hell & told it's heaven. I'm sorry that your dad took it away thinking it would make things better, but all it did is make him feel better. You should feel seen and able to make your own decisions if you're confident in them.
