Are you actually ready to die? Everyone I've asked this is still alive I've been lurking this website since it was a reddit sub years and years ago.

[Deleted member 17949]

I've only been around since April. I've been suicidal for a few years, but it was only a few months ago that I decided to actually put real options in front of me and make ending my life an actual possibility. I'm not sure if I would say I'm ready to die. I don't have any negative feelings towards dying, but I don't feel strongly pulled towards it either. I'm just waiting for something to give me a nudge in the direction of either recovery or suicide. Until then nothing changes.

 

[EGR92]

100% ready its all i want to do and im excited to do it. N is my choice but A takes forever to reply on email i havent even paid for it yet and im growing impatient to ctb and i know I'll have an even longer wait for it to arrive..

 

[feelsbadman]

How can you have been a lurker for that long and not know what SN is?

I forget a lot of things. I've been lurking for a long time, but with many breaks in between lmao. SN is extremely familiar though.

 

[catsarecool]

I'm pretty ready to end it, but in some way I'm not sure if I'm ready to die. I think some part of me mourns the things I'll never get to experience or do. But in general I think a lot of people will never be completely ready for death or the idea of not existing. I've come to peace with what my decision entails for me and others.

 

[HeavensOpenDoor]

I can't speak for anyone else but I've missed the bus twice before even hearing about this site. I came on here to find out how to be more on time the next time. I'm past the emotional and fearful part of ctb. I can still laugh and joke and still be serious about still ctb. For me I feel like this is my fate so I've just embraced it and moved on. I am thankful for the wonderful people that I've met on here and we can even meet up on the other side and chill.

As another poster said this is not a race and we should not encourage, motivate, or make anyone feel some type of way about their longevity here on this site. Just saying.

 

[TAW122]

I would consider myself ready (emotionally and psychologically), however, physically and environmentally no because currently I still don't have direct access to my methods and the coast is not clear yet. In other words, I have been ready to die, but the circumstances is just not conducive and/or I lack the means to carry it out, therefore, I am waiting on the right time and circumstance before I act.

 

[maru.]

I fluctuate between being optimistic about life and certain that i'll ctb, tho it's not 50/50, i'm more inclined for the latter, it's not pleasent.
So at this point i plan on getting everything i need to ctb, but just to make sure i have it, not to actually do it now, just want to feel that safety and comfort.
I'll keep on living, waiting to see in which direction my life goes.
Essentially waiting to see which side of my thoughts is right, the one who thinks everything will work out, or the one who thinks i'll be miserable.
If things, by some miracle and totally undeserved, work out, then good, i'll try to live.
However, if everything goes to shit, which is what i'm more inclined to believe, since to me things have already gone off the deep end in a way, then i'll ctb.
So yeah, i'm just waiting to see what happens, and whatever it is will decide my course of action.
Still, i'm on this website, so of course i'm not very optimistic.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Actually, I am ready. I am not fully prepared. There's a few things I need to wrap up. When my readiness and preparedness lines up, I will ctb. Idk why it matters, not a race nor do I have to prove anything.

 

[WinterFaust]

Honestly, no. Ideally, I'd like ctb after giving recovery one good last try but I'm too depressed to even do that. In my current circumstances, death seems to be the best choice. So I'm getting things to prepare. I'm not ready but I can't wait on that. I am ready to stop feeling like this and being a failure.

I've only been here since the end of April and have seen a number of members ctb. Are you somehow disappointed that more folks haven't ctb? It's a serious decision that merits taking as long as you need to. Personally, I'm glad when people are able to recover even though I'm jealous that I won't be able to do the same.

 

[I want to end it]

Title.

I'm probably the oldest account here who hasn't ctbed yet. Your account is quite old too.

 

[Raminiki]

I've been passively suicidal for two decades and generally honest about it. If a psychiatrist or doctor asks if I have suicidal ideation, I say yes. Do I have a plan? I say yes. Am I in danger of hurting myself? I say no. What is my plan? I won't say, lest the option be taken from me. I've only ever been taken to hospital once, and that was voluntarily. They let me go home.

I've accumulated paraphernalia, researched and test run methods, but I've never actually attempted nor harmed myself. I won't act until I'm 100% certain I want to and that it will be fatal. Failing would make my quality of life significantly worse and is mainly why I've held back. I also fear suffering or surviving but being seriously damaged. And I've wrestled with my spirituality.

My life isn't objectively bad enough to warrant suicide. I'm physically fit and reasonably young. I have no stressful obligations and am relatively secure. My psychological/mental wellbeing is very poor, on the other hand. It makes daily life and social expectations very difficult to cope with and I suffer many negative effects, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.

So I self-isolate. And it's no way to live. It's just existing, devoid of opportunity or enrichment. Waiting for things to get bad enough to excuse taking the final leap. In my meltdowns I cry out that I just want to die, and I desperately do, but I do not harm myself or do anything spontaneous as I know it'll only make things worse for me, and self-sabotaging is never wise.

Having a plan is a security net. I do not trust the world to become a better or less hostile place and I watch its destruction in despair, but for now I'm buffered from the severity of it due to where I live.

I will die by my own hand, before I lose the cognition and dexterity required to do so. Getting old and senile is my greatest terror. I may go within the next few months, years, decades, I don't know. But I'd rather seize my own death than let it drag on and slowly rob me of all that I am.

 

[KiraComplex]

Title.

what a stupid question

 

[Uzera]

People always say suicide is the easy way out but everybody here knows thats farthest from the truth. I've wanted to die for years. I think you kind of start this like purgatory at some point where you can't really bring yourself to finish it but ya ain't really livin either.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I was ready when I tried to hang myself last year, I'm not now and haven't been since.
My circumstances are a thousand times worse than they were then, and yet I want to live more.
I'm a thousand times more prepared than I was but a thousand times more fearful. I've survived an attempt. And felt the weird veil between worlds. I really don't want to get stuck in it. I'm not convinced (and this is my own neurosis) that there's actually peace

 

[AnniesHideaway]

My initial response is "OMG YES". But the reality is I picked a date once before, and backed out. I said I wasn't doing it because I didn't want to hurt my mother. She passed away 2 years ago, and now I am committed to letting my cat live out her natural life. So am I ready or am I making excuses. I am not sure.

 

[JerJoh]

Yes

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm ready but cannot do the deed, or at least attempt it again

 

[epic]

I'm not ready, I don't know if I'll ever be, but I want to consistently and it's so hard to find a place that says it's okay to feel like this and doesn't give me fake false niceties

x2

 

[Grav]

If a psychiatrist or doctor asks if I have suicidal ideation, I say yes. Do I have a plan? I say yes. Am I in danger of hurting myself? I say no. What is my plan? I won't say, lest the option be taken from me.

This is where I"m at. I'm mentally ready to "be dead" but there's still enough keeping me from ctb, really 2 things (down from 3). I still need to figure out where all my crap would go since my wife would be stuck clearing it out and it's kind of niche stuff. I've lived through enough "but next month/year/day will be better" to have seen them to be not better and say "i should have done this years ago knowing what I know now". I heard a good line that works well for me: I'm like a kid that's finished the test and I'm just sitting and waiting to turn it in.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've had a tough time overcoming SI and my misgivings about leaving family members, but I feel like I get a little closer each time. Eventually, I will ctb.

 

[restingspot]

I have my doubts sometimes but if I were truly on my own I would do it without hesitation.

There's always somebody running around the house and it fucking sucks. Just a day ago I found out through casual conversation that my parent sneaks into my room at night to peer out the window while I'm asleep. Even if I wait until night time to ctb I don't even know the proper window of time I'll have to successfully do it. I fucking hate it.

 

[FireFox]

I think of suicide a lot but there is a part of me that wants to live. The part of me that wants live convinces me not to catch the bus

My mind is at war with itself part of me what to die but another wants me to live.

 

[ayb]

I have the means to ctb whenever I want so I'm not in a rush. If I decide not to then it's my choice regardless. Having that means has made me feel a lot more at ease and peace.

 

[Sensei]

That depends on how you define "ready". I'm ready in the respect that if my life would take a sudden and serious turn for the worse tomorrow, I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself. I'm not ready in the respect that I haven't given up on life yet and harbour a sliver of hope that things will turn to the better.

 

[Hoomin]

My partner who was Mbound on this forum successfully ctb'd last september, seems like there were a bunch of others. She purchased N through A.

 

[xaea13]

Sometimes I think it's a case of wanting to die but not being able to due to ctb method whether it's being unable to buy certain substances or not being successful with hanging. And sometimes it takes courage to go through with it. I've backed out a few times already.

Most likely this. I think most people just don't have the resources or the setup necessary for it, especially because of the high stakes, SI, etc etc.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

We really should though at some point. Unless you're lucky enough to die of natural causes before you get dementia and in a relatively short period of time (less than a few months).

Who By Very Slow Decay

[Trigger warning: Death, pain, suffering, sadness] I. Some people, having completed the traditional forms of empty speculation – “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, &#8220…

web.archive.org

Press ctrl + to zoom in on the text

Wow! Thanks for that article . That is reality. i wish i would have read that years ago. I actually had a chance to work as a nursing assistant in a nursing home but i didn't go for it. That would have opened my eyes to reality . Recently i've started opening my eyes and this article just reminds me , a lot of it hit home and confirms a lot of what i found and see happening.

Who By Very Slow Decay

[Trigger warning: Death, pain, suffering, sadness] I. Some people, having completed the traditional forms of empty speculation – “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, &#8220…

web.archive.org

 

[Bauhaus]

I too get the feeling that very few users on here ever actually ctb. For most it's about being a part of a community that allows you to be suicidal without judgment or condescending advice.

Indeed, this site is like a form of catharsis.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Honestly? I'm not sure. I think I share a similar sentiment to quite a few people here. I am ready for my life - as it is now - to be over. I'm ready to be dead; I believe in Nothing and Nothing I imagine is at least better than this daily hell my mental health puts me through. I don't enjoy anything anymore, haven't in a long, long time. I don't know what happiness is, I haven't forgotten either; never made its acquaintance. Nor that of the will to live which is inherent to most people.

But I'm not sure if I am actually truly ready to go through with the act of dying. Sure, I can tell myself: 'My SN hasn't arrived yet', 'I need more meds to make the process more peaceful', 'There's birthdays of loved ones coming up'. But I think if I was truly ready to go through the act of dying itself, I'd have flung myself from a height already and got it over with.

I'm sure there's far more fitting monologues to be found in media, but this talk between Arya Stark, The Hound and the dying farmer kind of describes it pretty well:

I completely resonated with this post. Thank you. Our situations, geographical locations and what not are different but our ideology kind of resonates. I'm currently getting drunk in a hotel room, all alone, far from my family. I keep looking at these sheets and imagining.... this is how Indians do it, ctb so damn easily. But how do I leave THEM behind? Fuck!

 

[Acerakis]

No, I feel like I reach high levels of suicidal ideation but when I actually research methods none of them seem realistic. I'm too afraid of heights for jumping, don't know any suitable locations where I wouldn't be disturbed for anything else.