Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,193
Due to me giving into my impulses, I decided to re download tinder and okcupid. In the part of the app where it asks "what are you looking for" I changed it to "I'm not sure"
Because I honestly don't know confidently what I want
I idealize the idea of a relationship from a place of inadequacy, insecurity, and trauma. I do not believe, in my current state, that I would be ready for a relationship. I shut people down, retreat when I feel triggered, lash out, etc. I still have a lot of survival based behaviors that are toxic and can become worse if I am involved in someone. And then coupled with the work I am doing (therapy, trying to move out of my toxic home, etc) there are other things in my life that are more important
That being said, it pains me always been the third wheel. Majority of my friends are actively in relationships. Kissing, hugging, etc. Reminds me that they are "better" in some way. They are more mentally healthy, hence them being in such healthy relationships. And I know not to assume, but its hard not to
I just wish I wasn't so fucked up. That 25 I have never had a bf and likely never will for some time. I've had my fair share of hook ups and fun times but, never anyone to commit with. Because I think deep down, I know I am not ready for it. But I wish I was
Because I honestly don't know confidently what I want
I idealize the idea of a relationship from a place of inadequacy, insecurity, and trauma. I do not believe, in my current state, that I would be ready for a relationship. I shut people down, retreat when I feel triggered, lash out, etc. I still have a lot of survival based behaviors that are toxic and can become worse if I am involved in someone. And then coupled with the work I am doing (therapy, trying to move out of my toxic home, etc) there are other things in my life that are more important
That being said, it pains me always been the third wheel. Majority of my friends are actively in relationships. Kissing, hugging, etc. Reminds me that they are "better" in some way. They are more mentally healthy, hence them being in such healthy relationships. And I know not to assume, but its hard not to
I just wish I wasn't so fucked up. That 25 I have never had a bf and likely never will for some time. I've had my fair share of hook ups and fun times but, never anyone to commit with. Because I think deep down, I know I am not ready for it. But I wish I was
