I've been asking myself for quite some time now, if there is anything as a rational or philosophical decision/longing for ctb. There are days in my life, where I feel contempt or emotionally neutral towards everything I observe within myself and the outside world and I would even consider these days as happy and peaceful days. Which is why I feel even more surprised that even on those days, the thought of ctb doesn't seem all that unattractive. On the contrary, most of the time I just feel kind of a peaceful longing/wish to ctb or in other words, to get some rest as I eventually just feel so exhausted from life. Even from days where I don't have much to do...it feels like a general kind of weariness towards being a human on this earth. No matter how different my outer circumstances such as a job, relationships etc. may change an be. I'm not angry at the world or something/someone in particular, it's just that I feel tired of hearing my own thoughts every second, everyday and being in this body, following societal expectations and social rules, handling emotions and relationships, figuring out how and where to find a place for me on this earth. I am just so tired...