Anyone have a parent who ctb?

[Exact Change]

The thought of my kids suffering if I CTB is something that keeps me here. Has anyone had a parent who ctb? I've been watching YT videos of children survivors. But they aren't giving me much assurance my kids would recover well. I hate this trapped feeling.

 

[breezeboy]

I haven't had a parent ctb but I relate to the trapped feeling you mention.

I don't want to do this to my loved ones. I don't want to cause them this pain.
It devastates me knowing how much it'll hurt them. For me this has been the hardest part.

It feels like my pain won't go away when I die… it'll just transfer to them.

 

[mortuarymary]

No, but my grandad hung himself when my mom was 15 and she found him.
she had to escape what happened and into the arms of my cunt of a real dad.

This is why she was always mad at me when I Od etc she couldn't cope with thoughts of my doing the same.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

No, but I have a great-grandad who killed himself. He was suffering from PTSD from WW1.
Killed himself via CO poisoning; he put his head in the oven, a popular method at the time!

 

[phoenixdown]

I witnessed my mom attempt with a knife and was told to call 911. Saw other kinda behaviors also. Took all the pills she could find and when I grabbed some of them out of her jacket she just exclaimed that "You can't stop somebody who wants to" before taking whatever pills she still had and drove off into the night.

I remember wanting to live forever, never wanting to die. Not so much now.

I had my second attempt in 2020 and my sister arrived just in time to see me put on a stretcher and in the ambulance. She then had an attempt herself 18 months later that I can't help but feel partially responsible over.

My cat keeps me in the game though, I abused her and feel terrible over it. She's now fucked up and untrusting towards anything other than me. Was able to stop by rationalizing that her best life is probably with me if I can find a way to control myself. Our relationship is great now and one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced tbh. It's enough to keep me going, but not make it all worth it.

So I guess I feel both sides of the coin(s)?

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Mum died of natural causes when I was 3. Not that I want to guilt trip you but, life hasn't been great without her.

I can understand some of the reasoning though. Just how strong can we be for other people? I think some parents feel they will do as much damage if they stick around. I suppose I find that hard to fathom because I would have done anything to just be able to remember my Mum.

What is your support network like? Are there people that would raise them if the worst came to the worst? I did at least have loving Grandparents and a loving Dad, although my Grandpa died a year later.

Can I ask how old they are? Could you maybe hold on till they are older? Of course, sometimes we just can't. Ironically- I have the reverse problem. I'm now holding on for my Dad to go first. Although, my life isn't as awful as it has been in the past or has the potential to be in the future, so for now, I'm resolute to do it.

Do you feel like your situation is affecting them? I do feel bad for parents. I don't think we always 100% know where our lives will lead us. A lot of people here are anti-natilist. I am too in my heart now but, I haven't always been. I've just been fortunate in a way to not be attractive enough to go down that road.

 

[randomdude113]

The thought of my kids suffering if I CTB is something that keeps me here. Has anyone had a parent who ctb? I've been watching YT videos of children survivors. But they aren't giving me much assurance my kids would recover well. I hate this trapped feeling.

Everyone one he is sugarcoating it, you will ruin your children's childhood and give them issues that span later into life. 7 years ago I lost my family and it still destroys me (I was 11 at the time). I had a lot going for me and I lost it, there's not to much I can do now to recover. Please do not do this to your kids. Your obligation as a parent is to your kids.

 

[Rev346]

I'm in the same boat. I have to support my kids and it's easier to stay alive than to find a way to make sure they grow up ok. I've heard a parent CTBing can really mess them up.

 

[HighFlight]

Parents are put in a really bad position in these situations. They need to deal with their own issues, as well as juggling their children's needs at the same time.

Fortunately, I managed to make through their childhood before my own problems started to show. Now they're transitioning to adulthood and each is suffering with their own mental health issues, and mine feel like they're getting worse by the day.

@Exact Change - I understand the feelings of being trapped. The fact that you're asking this question is a indication that you are a good parent. As such, you have a responsibility to get them safely to adulthood. But if your own pain is preventing that, please take their feelings and wellbeing into consideration with your plans.

I hope you can find some peace with your choice. I also hope that your children can find peace with it as well.

 

[ShadowsBeforeDawn]

My dad CTB a month before my 12th birthday. Everything to do with it eff me up good and I carry it to this day, in different ways over time. He was very sick, the family didn't know and we were forced to lie to everyone about why he was never at holiday events. Standing in front of his casket at his funeral, I told his mom he was very sick and she screamed at me, calling me a liar and said I should have died with him. She pretended not to know me after that.

His death was on the news, so everyone knew and was talking. I was self-destructive for a good 6 years and I did everything I could to make my physical pain hurt more than my emotional pain. Hurt people hurt people.

On my 17th birthday, my mom gave me the coroner and police reports and on my 18th birthday, we went to the motel together where he CTB. His suicide note that I have laminated with my 11 year olds tears smudging the ink, the coroners report and most recently, creeping this forum is what brings me some peace. Until this forum, I never understood why he picked that rundown motel.

 

[Exact Change]

My Mum died of natural causes when I was 3. Not that I want to guilt trip you but, life hasn't been great without her.

I can understand some of the reasoning though. Just how strong can we be for other people? I think some parents feel they will do as much damage if they stick around. I suppose I find that hard to fathom because I would have done anything to just be able to remember my Mum.

What is your support network like? Are there people that would raise them if the worst came to the worst? I did at least have loving Grandparents and a loving Dad, although my Grandpa died a year later.

Can I ask how old they are? Could you maybe hold on till they are older? Of course, sometimes we just can't. Ironically- I have the reverse problem. I'm now holding on for my Dad to go first. Although, my life isn't as awful as it has been in the past or has the potential to be in the future, so for now, I'm resolute to do it.

Do you feel like your situation is affecting them? I do feel bad for parents. I don't think we always 100% know where our lives will lead us. A lot of people here are anti-natilist. I am too in my heart now but, I haven't always been. I've just been fortunate in a way to not be attractive enough to go down that road.

I'm getting close to retirement age. My kids are mid 20s but still figuring out their paths. My wife and I have done ok financially but money goes fast when ppl cling to life when they get old. I certainly don't want to do that. My wife would take good care of them but I want to be sure they are both getting their careers in order. So, sadly, I think I'm stuck here for a while.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My mom attempted once but was talked out of it easily.

Other than that, my only relative who I know CTB'd was my great grandfather on my father's father's side. He killed himself by drowning when the Chinese Communist Party seized the farm he had that had been in my family for generations. This forced my grandfather's family to escape to Taiwan where my father was eventually born.

 

[4g1vvvven]

My father has made numerous attempts but is still kicking, my mother has made none but I am unfortunately much less like her.

 

[Doemu]

Sadly not. My life would be better if both.