suffering competition

[witchcraft]

Just a observation / thought.

Sometimes the YouTube algorithm recommends me videos. I won't link but it's called "giving up on everything" with nearly a million views... albeit over a year.

I didn't watch but more than the first little bit but I just realized that I'm one of the people who has suffering that isn't "cool enough" or "artsy enough" for anyone to care. Mine would be banished to the shadow realm by the AI overlords. If it mistakenly made its way into anyone's feed it'd be ignored.

This isn't a criticism of the video or ones like it. Other examples are dudes who put some Black Ops 2 bot match footage on in the background and talk about depression or life struggles and how much the world blows.

I can't imagine what it's like to get so much attention talking about these things. If it got me 50k+ subs like a lot of these channels, I'd be able to monetize and start making money streaming and probably be less depressed. Funny that.

Must be nice. My suffering has always been like mental or spiritual leprosy; nobody wants to be in the same room, let alone be around me for prolonged periods of time or listen to my thoughts and stories for over ten minutes.

Welp. Time to crawl back into my hole and play games, waiting for another "sorry but we've decided to go forth with a different applicant" call for the dozenth-dozenth time. For a job that pays fucking $14 an hour mind you. Lol. Life is such a disgusting joke.

 

[starboy2k]

waiting for another "sorry but we've decided to go forth with a different applicant" call for the dozenth-dozenth time. For a job that pays fucking $14 an hour mind you.

YOU GET A CALL???? I barely get an rejection email at this point

 

[witchcraft]

YOU GET A CALL???? I barely get an rejection email at this point

I feel that lol. Yeah, I worded it weird. Of all the many many rejections, I've gotten maybe 3 calls in as many years and I don't even count automated emails (assuming I get one of those).

 

[Self Medicated]

It is a weird phenomenon isn't it? I'm old enough to remember when depression was melancholy and only for artists and ladies and anxiety was even more so. And PTSD hadn't been invented yet, we only had shell shock for men who just weren't staunch enough to deal with war. A damn shame but such an embarrassment. And now we're so much more enlightened we can all talk about mental health but you can only really have PTSD if you're a war veteran or a victim of child abuse and or rape. We know that childhood psychological trauma is a thing but who takes that seriously? Nothing much physically done to you, suck it up princess. And fair enough because we do it to ourselves anyway while there's a whole generation that lives to collect labels to show how wounded, how special they are with none of the old school feelings of failure that comes with an inability to cope. Does this count as a rant yet?

 

[angel164]

I relate to this post too much!!

For me I grew up in the hayday of tumblr, mental illness was REALLY a statues symbol.
and as a kid who was ignored, always put second, told i was being dramatic and my pain isn't that crazy, i wanted the attention those people on tumblr got sooooo baaddd!! and i still crave that attention. Sad to admit it but I get jealous of those people on youtube getting that all attention with their artsy mental illness... mine is too ugly for it i guess.. as soon as it goes beyond depression and anxiety, people get uncomfortable real quick
and good luck on finding a job, same here......its a real shit hole being unemployed in these times

 

[zanshu]

I gotta say, from what I've seen online, suffering has always been turned into this artsy and aesthetic thing to monetize.
I do believe most of the people who post content about depression mean well. You know, shed light on issues…unless it's about the fact you got so depressed that you've got maggots living off the unwashed food of your plates in the sink.

That kind of content just feels a little out of touch. I write about suffering as well, loss, grief, but I personally find it wrong to turn it into this "I use big, grand words and turn it into something easily digestible - and let's not forget the "Don't give up!" message at the end." Pain isn't aesthetic.
With that being said, this kind of content at least talks about mental health, which itself is a good thing.

 

[witchcraft]

I gotta say, from what I've seen online, suffering has always been turned into this artsy and aesthetic thing to monetize.
I do believe most of the people who post content about depression mean well. You know, shed light on issues…unless it's about the fact you got so depressed that you've got maggots living off the unwashed food of your plates in the sink.

That kind of content just feels a little out of touch. I write about suffering as well, loss, grief, but I personally find it wrong to turn it into this "I use big, grand words and turn it into something easily digestible - and let's not forget the "Don't give up!" message at the end." Pain isn't aesthetic.
With that being said, this kind of content at least talks about mental health, which itself is a good thing.

I agree.

I just wonder how many people post a genuine video talking about their struggles, pains and experiences, and get zero views. Or maybe nothing but dislikes, with a little "kys" comment to put the cherry on top. Whether that video be the sesquipedalian "I'm so artistic and aesthetic and quirky, look at me" style video typically uploaded by a cute depressed young ~goth or fashionably nerdy introverted girl, or the guy in his car recording himself vertically with a phone attached to the dash, or the random rant-about-the-world-while-playing-Black-Ops niche. I know how that feels, trying something along those lines and ultimately feeling like it was an embarrassing waste of time and contemplating deleting it. To feel like when someone else speaks from a place of vulnerability, people listen to them and pay it attention, but when I do the same, silence at best or mockery and beratement at worst. Am I not suffering correctly? Am I not doing pain right? Is this, too, an oversaturated market? Must everything be perverted by capitalism?

*EDIT for clarity—my mentioning of "typically uploaded by... girl" is not meant to be taken the wrong way, but it is a reason why I try to present somewhat ambiguously online, for I have seen people, men and women, dismissed on the basis of what their sex or whatever happens to be, or given arbitrary extra attention

Anyway, the same could be said about reddit; who gets updooted into the high heavens, front page of r/ depressed or whatever? And why? There can only be a few at any given time. Granted there is an uncontrollable element of luck involved, but it'd be too convenient to only use that to explain away this discrepancy.

Whenever I see such a post, or see such a "lauded" video, I can't help but wonder how many other depressed people go "I'm such a fucking loser that I can't even monetize(?) / popularize(?) my own suffering. In theory I am no less depressed than this person—perhaps even more—yet I am invisible." I have such thoughts. Many videos are marketed, meaning edited in such a way to appeal to consumers, to intentionally be consumable and entertaining like video essays. Is that authentic? Is that real? Not meant to be rhetorical questions by the way.

When a young cute asian girl makes a video in her bedroom talking about her struggles, is it being pushed by the algorithm to NEET weebs like me with an asian fetish? Who is this video being pushed to, and is it actually being pushed for innocuous reasons or to be food for doom scrollers? If we agree for sake of argument that neither this or that person is more or less deserving of the algorithm's blessing on the basis of their suffering, then how is it decided who wins the competition if not by who is more marketable? And is that how I want my depression, anxiety, traumas, fears, to be treated? Do I force myself to end with a "Don't give up!" message so my mental health issues are more marketable? Why am I making this video and sharing it in the first place, for attention, to help people, to commiserate?

This is basically what I mean by: the suffering competition. It's possibly one reason why a forum like this, albeit imperfect like anything else, is a better online space for this sort of thing than a social media platform fundamentally run by likes, watch time, a popularity contest. The top thread is the most recently posted and or commented on. No doubt people on here might post something and it doesn't even get a like or a comment, but I've been here for over a year and this seems like a far rarer occurrence than thinking you'll be special on YouTube. When I read threads on here, it's mostly the topic that influences if I click on it, not whether the appearance of the poster tickles my sexual preferences. For YouTube to achieve the same, it'd have to start by removing thumbnails, and obviously that would never happen, that would be completely and utterly antithetical to what that platform is designed to be.

If that's the case, then I really don't think YouTube or similar platforms are a great place to vent about personal issues except for the 1% of people who end up finding an audience. The other 99% are likely to feel more worthless than they did before trying. On that note, finally I would like to paraphrase a musician I enjoy who goes by the name of sewerperson. In a song he said that he quit music for a while because he'd have to keep suffering to keep making the music people wanted to hear. "When's the next album" was tantamount to asking "when's your next fuck-up, breakup, drug relapse" or whatever.

 

[Self Medicated]

I agree.

I just wonder how many people post a genuine video talking about their struggles, pains and experiences, and get zero views. Or maybe nothing but dislikes, with a little "kys" comment to put the cherry on top. Whether that video be the sesquipedalian "I'm so artistic and aesthetic and quirky, look at me" style video typically uploaded by a cute depressed young ~goth or fashionably nerdy introverted girl, or the guy in his car recording himself vertically with a phone attached to the dash, or the random rant-about-the-world-while-playing-Black-Ops niche. I know how that feels, trying something along those lines and ultimately feeling like it was an embarrassing waste of time and contemplating deleting it. To feel like when someone else speaks from a place of vulnerability, people listen to them and pay it attention, but when I do the same, silence at best or mockery and beratement at worst. Am I not suffering correctly? Am I not doing pain right? Is this, too, an oversaturated market? Must everything be perverted by capitalism?

*EDIT for clarity—my mentioning of "typically uploaded by... girl" is not meant to be taken the wrong way, but it is a reason why I try to present somewhat ambiguously online, for I have seen people, men and women, dismissed on the basis of what their sex or whatever happens to be, or given arbitrary extra attention

Anyway, the same could be said about reddit; who gets updooted into the high heavens, front page of r/ depressed or whatever? And why? There can only be a few at any given time. Granted there is an uncontrollable element of luck involved, but it'd be too convenient to only use that to explain away this discrepancy.

Whenever I see such a post, or see such a "lauded" video, I can't help but wonder how many other depressed people go "I'm such a fucking loser that I can't even monetize(?) / popularize(?) my own suffering. In theory I am no less depressed than this person—perhaps even more—yet I am invisible." I have such thoughts. Many videos are marketed, meaning edited in such a way to appeal to consumers, to intentionally be consumable and entertaining like video essays. Is that authentic? Is that real? Not meant to be rhetorical questions by the way.

When a young cute asian girl makes a video in her bedroom talking about her struggles, is it being pushed by the algorithm to NEET weebs like me with an asian fetish? Who is this video being pushed to, and is it actually being pushed for innocuous reasons or to be food for doom scrollers? If we agree for sake of argument that neither this or that person is more or less deserving of the algorithm's blessing on the basis of their suffering, then how is it decided who wins the competition if not by who is more marketable? And is that how I want my depression, anxiety, traumas, fears, to be treated? Do I force myself to end with a "Don't give up!" message so my mental health issues are more marketable? Why am I making this video and sharing it in the first place, for attention, to help people, to commiserate?

This is basically what I mean by: the suffering competition. It's possibly one reason why a forum like this, albeit imperfect like anything else, is a better online space for this sort of thing than a social media platform fundamentally run by likes, watch time, a popularity contest. The top thread is the most recently posted and or commented on. No doubt people on here might post something and it doesn't even get a like or a comment, but I've been here for over a year and this seems like a far rarer occurrence than thinking you'll be special on YouTube. When I read threads on here, it's mostly the topic that influences if I click on it, not whether the appearance of the poster tickles my sexual preferences. For YouTube to achieve the same, it'd have to start by removing thumbnails, and obviously that would never happen, that would be completely and utterly antithetical to what that platform is designed to be.

If that's the case, then I really don't think YouTube or similar platforms are a great place to vent about personal issues except for the 1% of people who end up finding an audience. The other 99% are likely to feel more worthless than they did before trying. On that note, finally I would like to paraphrase a musician I enjoy who goes by the name of sewerperson. In a song he said that he quit music for a while because he'd have to keep suffering to keep making the music people wanted to hear. "When's the next album" was tantamount to asking "when's your next fuck-up, breakup, drug relapse" or whatever.

You've hit several nails on the head there. And just think, as bad as those videos are, how bad is it going to get when AI jumps on the bandwagon. This whole landscape is particularly bizarre for a bloke who grew up when computers were still quite rare. In fact I'm old enough now I've become a meme. The sulky, brooding teenager fuming in the shadows because he was depressed and anxious before it was trendy and CPTS and D were just random letters in the alphabet. Only I'm a looong way from my teens.
You're right about this site too though I don't say much here, I'm not good at peopling, but I came across it while researching rope and such and it may have saved my life. I don't think anyone has ever said that of Reddit. I just hope this site survives where the other site I was on (which was not perfect either but nothing like the no nothing do gooders who killed it claimed).
On a slight tangent I like your quotes and banner, they struck a chord.

 

[LRkin]

pays fucking $14 an hour mind you

That's, actually, about five times more than they pay me at my job, lol. And it's not like I flip hamburgers or smth.

 

[witchcraft]

That's, actually, about five times more than they pay me at my job, lol. And it's not like I flip hamburgers or smth.

I'm sorry, that's criminal.

 

[LRkin]

I'm sorry, that's criminal.

Ah, not a big deal. I suppose it's all about the cost of living or smth.

 

[witchcraft]

Ah, not a big deal. I suppose it's all about the cost of living or smth.

Yeah, unfortunately $14 an hour here is not enough to life on.

 

[iguazo falls]

i think its an act of protest to express yourself despite it all. protest against having to ask for permission to suffer or be deserving of care.

 

[bipolar22]

Ahh the job.life. the gollum application. Person fav. Intresting stories.