Anyone else weirdly un-serious?

[Archness]

I'm increasingly :
Depressed, nihilistic, lonely, cynical, neglectful, and suicidal.

But as I degrade and get worse, I can't even care, I can't really take things seriously. I can't give a fuck anymore. I only keep silent and act somewhat "normal" bc others would make it into a big deal and problem unlike here and other certain online spaces.

Is it really genuine, am I perhaps incapable of being genuine anymore? Anything I write, once I'm done, I can't stand it. Feels alien, like another person wrote it, like it was another me. I feel weird and don't want to read it. It's possible I'm literally the only human who experiences that, as I'm the only person with a brain like myself. Thus, I worry alot that it's outright impossible for others to get me, and that's a problem, as all my writings where ultimately desperate pleading for any kind of connection.

But it always comes short, always. It's like foreplay but without any sex or cumming. It's enjoyable but never complete.

Well, with nothing really mattering, nothing to stand for, nothing to gain, no place for me, there could only be nihilism. There's many days where I wanted to chat with others on discord about a random topic or post here or anything else like projects, writings, or things I won't list rn, but stopped bc "What's the point". I'm a failure, I already lost, it's already too late in my goddamn 20's.

Why would I write abt these dark, dark things. It's quite hard for me to linger and think about these things to write them down, only for it to do no real good in my life.

I've noticed my posts would always have dark-jokes and be rude. It's often not serious, I guess it's how I cope, joking, masking the pain, acting like the joker. But to be fair, I often get on here in a so-so mood. Not so good this would just put me down, but not so bad I just can't think about it without shutting down and closing the window for something else.

 

[untothedepths]

I'm getting there, but I might be stuck in a bitter phase between weighty depression.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Jiyuurakka]

If all else fails, even if you have lost the ability to take the World seriously (which is a natural conclusion to reach), I think there is only one thing that you can take seriously at the end of the day, the mind that doesn't take anything apart from it seriously, yourself. There's no need to self doubt a mind that doubts everything apart from itself. But at the same time, we're also a part of the world; it's not like we exist outside of it. That makes us no different from the rest of the absurdity that the World offers. From someone else's perspective, they might think that we aren't making sense. By not taking the World seriously at all and, by extension, yourself, you're actually treating it maximally seriously at any given point in time. You just can't be more serious than you already are by not taking things seriously.

Earlier, you mentioned that you can't take things seriously anymore, and then later, you also said that you wish people understood your writing more and that your writing pleaded to establish some sort of connection with others. It's kind of a vicious circle here because if you can't take others seriously, you can't really expect them to take you seriously as well. I mean, it's natural, right? We just can't understand each other as human beings. If we did, well, we wouldn't have any conflicts or wars over beliefs. In lieu of that, by not understanding others at all, you understand them perfectly well. No connections can be made, therefore all of the connections that can be made, already have been made.

I think what you've written is relatable, I feel the same way all the time. But I kind of differ in terms of self-doubt because nothing in this World is genuine—quite literally nothing. I'm nothing, so aren't I the most genuine existence in the World?

 

[Archness]

If all else fails, even if you have lost the ability to take the World seriously (which is a natural conclusion to reach), I think there is only one thing that you can take seriously at the end of the day, the mind that doesn't take anything apart from it seriously, yourself. There's no need to self doubt a mind that doubts everything apart from itself. But at the same time, we're also a part of the world; it's not like we exist outside of it. That makes us no different from the rest of the absurdity that the World offers. From someone else's perspective, they might think that we aren't making sense. By not taking the World seriously at all and, by extension, yourself, you're actually treating it maximally seriously at any given point in time. You just can't be more serious than you already are by not taking things seriously.

Earlier, you mentioned that you can't take things seriously anymore, and then later, you also said that you wish people understood your writing more and that your writing pleaded to establish some sort of connection with others. It's kind of a vicious circle here because if you can't take others seriously, you can't really expect them to take you seriously as well. I mean, it's natural, right? We just can't understand each other as human beings. If we did, well, we wouldn't have any conflicts or wars over beliefs. In lieu of that, by not understanding others at all, you understand them perfectly well. No connections can be made, therefore all of the connections that can be made, already have been made.

I think what you've written is relatable, I feel the same way all the time. But I kind of differ in terms of self-doubt because nothing in this World is genuine—quite literally nothing. I'm nothing, so aren't I the most genuine existence in the World?

So you're interested in my writings... Does that make you a fan of me? jk, but rly hit the nail on the head on some things. You've even brought up an interesting point :

Earlier, you mentioned that you can't take things seriously anymore, and then later, you also said that you wish people understood your writing more and that your writing pleaded to establish some sort of connection with others. It's kind of a vicious circle here because if you can't take others seriously, you can't really expect them to take you seriously as well. I mean, it's natural, right? We just can't understand each other as human beings.

If I can't take the world seriously, how could I expect others to do so for me? But when I can clearly see how people look down on me and all the effort and consideration to not admit I'm outright hopeless, what am I to do? I mean nothing to this world, there isn't a place for me, thus, how could the world mean anything to me? Anything apart from mere obligations? In a general lens, it's a mutual two-way apathy and, sometimes, disrespect.

I'm getting there, but I might be stuck in a bitter phase between weighty depression.

So, you're moving to a similar mental space to mine... Are you looking forward to it?

 

[Jiyuurakka]

If I can't take the world seriously, how could I expect others to do so for me? But when I can clearly see how people look down on me and all the effort and consideration to not admit I'm outright hopeless, what am I to do? I mean nothing to this world, there isn't a place for me, thus, how could the world mean anything to me? Anything apart from mere obligations? In a general lens, it's a mutual two-way apathy and, sometimes, disrespect.

Agreed. You can only act in a way that makes sense to you, which is something you always do and I don't need to say it outright, so I guess keep doing what you're doing. All the best with your writing!