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dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
I can't live like this anymore. It's been years. I started a new therapy that could help my issues. I don't think it will though. I'm running out of things to do to occupy myself. I wish I could work and meet women like I did in my 20s, but I feel that's over.

Suicide feels more necessary now. My feelings about it are mostly sadness because I never wanted to be pushed into it, but my alternative is miserable.
 
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SHThrowAway213

SHThrowAway213

That's the hell I live with
Apr 19, 2018
658
I spend a lot of it scrolling through my phone, listening to music and walking my dog when I'm not at work.
I'm usally on this site or reddit.
 
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D

dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
I spend a lot of it scrolling through my phone, listening to music and walking my dog when I'm not at work.
I'm usally on this site or reddit.
Is that a life you like? Oh you work. I didn't see that part.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
19,625
I was basically doing most of that for the past few months. How I long to go back to those days since I'm busy with school and work now.

Though then again, if I did go back to watching shows all day, I ran out of shows I was interested in marathoning. Hopefully some idea comes up later when my semester ends.
 
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SHThrowAway213

SHThrowAway213

That's the hell I live with
Apr 19, 2018
658
Is that a life you like? Oh you work. I didn't see that part.
It's just trying to distract myself, which isn't helping that much at the moment.
Luckily music still helps.
 
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Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
May 8, 2020
1,865
Me.
After a bad rejection from a girl I adored, and a subsequent awful dating experience with another young lady, I gave up on finding love and isolated myself for about 8 years, just staying at home and playing video games.
After a couple of moves in the past 2 years I met another girl I adored, and for whatever reason she decided I had to be destroyed. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and what brought me here, to a suicide forum.
Now I don't know what to do. Keep trying to find someone who loves me, or admit that I must just be the most horrible person in the world and give up, and spend the rest of my life alone playing video games, or just kill myself and be done with this heartache and loneliness.
 
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D

dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
I was basically doing most of that for the past few months. How I long to go back to those days since I'm busy with school and work now.

Though then again, if I did go back to watching shows all day, I ran out of shows I was interested in marathoning. Hopefully some idea comes up later when my semester ends.
Yeah I'm watching one show now. I can't think of any others.
It's just trying to distract myself, which isn't helping that much at the moment.
Luckily music still helps.
It seems everything is just a distraction. Life is just so empty.
 
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Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,622
That's what I used to do when I should have been sorting my shit out. Now I can't. I just sit here aimlessly. Thought about leaving and giving life a go but that would just consist of the things you mentioned. I don't even do that anymore because I didn't see a point. I was determined to make the decision to end it as easy as possible
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
19,625
It seems everything is just a distraction. Life is just so empty.

I feel it. That's why I try to hold onto the distractions as long as I can by looking into trivia, discussions, and other stuff even when I'm done.
 
D

dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
Me.
After a bad rejection from a girl I adored, and a subsequent awful dating experience with another young lady, I gave up on finding love and isolated myself for about 8 years, just staying at home and playing video games.
After a couple of moves in the past 2 years I met another girl I adored, and for whatever reason she decided I had to be destroyed. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and what brought me here, to a suicide forum.
Now I don't know what to do. Keep trying to find someone who loves me, or admit that I must just be the most horrible person in the world and give up, and spend the rest of my life alone playing video games, or just kill myself and be done with this heartache and loneliness.
How did she try to destroy you? I'm talking to a girl I met at a store who always seemed to really like me so I went for it. Almost every conversation is initiated by me but her responses are lengthy with lots of smiles. She unfortunately just wants to be friends but comes across as flirty. Having hope is terrible.
I feel it. That's why I try to hold onto the distractions as long as I can by looking into trivia, discussions, and other stuff even when I'm done.
Yeah I've done similar things. All the amazing shows, movies, books have slowly faded from mind. Everything good is fleeting and is soon replaced by a deep emptiness.
 
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Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
May 8, 2020
1,865
How did she try to destroy you?

I said something careless that hurt her feelings, with no intention whatsoever of hurting her feelings, and she decided to get revenge by hurting me 100 times worse than I hurt her.
I didn't even understand what was going on, all I knew was that she was treating me like less than dog shit, while I naively went about trying to be her friend. I've never been treated so terribly by a girl, and I've never done anything to a girl to justify being treated like that.
 
Last edited:
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StringPuppet

StringPuppet

Lost
Oct 5, 2020
579
I try to but I barely have the energy to do that. I mostly just sleep
 
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dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
I said something careless that hurt her feelings, with no intention whatsoever of hurting her feelings, and she decided to get revenge by hurting me 100 times worse than I hurt her.
I didn't even understand what was going on, all I knew was that she was treating me like less than dog shit, while I naively went about trying to be her friend. I've never been treated so terribly by a girl, and I've never done anything to a girl to justify being treated like that.
What exactly did she do?
 
Borntodie29

Borntodie29

Member
Oct 4, 2020
14
I spend my days aimlessly binge watching netflix, prime, youtube & now this site. Basically whatever keeps me occupied & distracted from reality. The pandemic isn't helping much either. Just made things worse.
 
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D

dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
I spend my days aimlessly binge watching netflix, prime, youtube & now this site. Basically whatever keeps me occupied & distracted from reality. The pandemic isn't helping much either. Just made things worse.
Just stream for free.
 
Cant Maintain

Cant Maintain

Garbage Fire
Aug 21, 2020
147
i have time off from work and sleep on a futon in a communal space. this is literally what i do and riff bad movies with my roommates whenever they care to sit with me. When the silence leaves i take klonapin and try to forget I exist until dawns light fucking peaks through the blinds.
 
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Adamsnolife

Adamsnolife

Specialist
May 5, 2020
390
Yes I do that. TV DVD box sets and gaming. Might get the new FIFA game that came out today and play that while I am still here.
 
L

Lithium

SUICIDE SQUAD
Oct 7, 2020
16
Yes. Actually I'm watching more movies than usual because I'm writting some reviews just to have fun and distract myself a little.
 
Futile

Futile

Tired of being lonely
Sep 3, 2020
499
I've spent my life doing that
 
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M

Misfit72

Student
Aug 25, 2020
157
Watching YouTube videos, editing Wikipedia pages, chatting on Facebook Messenger. I've been doing that for years, largely by choice, but the lockdown makes it feel like I'm being forced to, with no alternative. I thought Brexit would be the straw that broke the camel's back and drive me over the edge, but it seems Covid will do that.
 
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Jellyfish42

Jellyfish42

Member
Aug 23, 2020
82
I've been playing video games and watching youtube for the past 2 months. I think it's driven me towards insanity. It feels like Im some drug addict that wants to stay constantly numb.
 
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D

dilapidatedMind

Student
Oct 1, 2020
128
i have time off from work and sleep on a futon in a communal space. this is literally what i do and riff bad movies with my roommates whenever they care to sit with me. When the silence leaves i take klonapin and try to forget I exist until dawns light fucking peaks through the blinds.
I go to sleep when the light hits my window.
Yes I do that. TV DVD box sets and gaming. Might get the new FIFA game that came out today and play that while I am still here.
But do you actually enjoy it?
 
262653

262653

Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
Pretty much. Distraction is my life. It's like, if I were to be anally fucked on a daily basis, not liking it (mostly) and not being able to fight back. It only makes sense that the victim will try to employ the roundabout methods of dealing with situation. Here are a few of them.

Distraction. While being anally fucked: daydream, browse social media, watch movies, play games etc..

Rationalization. I'm getting a good workout here, which is wonderful. Actually, it's not rape because I really like it, and I'm in love with my abuser... err, I mean such a beautiful person. If I accept the systematic anal sex, then after my death I'll go to heaven, but if I will fight my loving partner to break free from her grip, then I'll be sent to hell where ugly creatures will anally fuck me for eternity.

Sublimation. I'm filling diaries with reflections on being anally fucked. I want to write a book/song/play about being anally fucked. (For whatever reason people write the books. Maybe to stay alive past their physical death. Maybe they want to earn for a smooth living, and their storytelling skills are quite marketable. Maybe they want their story to be heard, and maybe others will relate to it because being anally fucked is an occurrence far too common...)
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

Visionary
Apr 2, 2020
2,404
I spend a lot of it scrolling through my phone, listening to music and walking my dog when I'm not at work.
I'm usally on this site or reddit.
I am on my phone most of the time, mostly on this site.
 
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sinbound haibane

sinbound haibane

Member
Oct 1, 2020
16
I can't even bring myself to care enough to watch, play, or read anything most of the time. I'll just sort of put on a stream so I have something to look at and it kind of feels like I'm not alone. I have a couple work-from-home jobs that I have to spend time a lot of time on, but they're just tedium for the sake of survival (which I obviously have mixed feelings about anyway). Also an online friend who does stuff with me sometimes, but she hasn't had much time or energy for me lately.

I see what you mean about wanting to meet people like in your 20s, OP. There was a sense of possibility at that point in my life that feels missing now that I'm almost 30. It seems the only places to derive any meaning in life are love of people and love of interests, and my love for my interests has atrophied into oblivion at this point. Yet I don't even feel like I want to meet anyone really... I feel like I've hollowed out and have nothing to offer.
 
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deleted

deleted

Wizard
Jul 31, 2020
679
my whole life comes down to being locked in my room, I wanted to have video games at least, but I've given up everything for a few years
 
S

Sk1n1M1n

Experienced
Jan 29, 2020
282
I barely have the energy to do my uni stuff and once that's done I switch off my phone and chill with gaming and Netflix.
 
T

Trayus

Member
Oct 3, 2020
73
I used to do that, escapism was the only thing that kept me going. But right now i cant even enjoy that... every game i boot up, every movie i start - i just feel so numb. No enjoyment anymore, like i finally realized that i am unfixable, unloveable and broken beyond repair
 
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sadworld

sadworld

existence is a nightmare
Aug 25, 2020
3,870
I can't find enjoyment in those things either, im re-watching my favourite anime right now and im just waiting for time to pass until it's finally my day.
 
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Folie

Folie

Member
Jul 14, 2020
36
i live in my room basically. i call it my hidey hole lol. i just prefer it since i'm in pain all the time.
 
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