Venting I am so full of hate.

[ApparentlyNot]

I don't know why I cant see the good in anything anymore, I don't know what happened. It all enrages and repulses me. I used to feel this intense empathy and compassion for nearly everyone I encountered. But it is gone. I quite literally want to punch everyone I look at or interact with in the face. I am such an insufferable person to be and for others to be around. I offer nothing. I deeply wish I was dead. There's nothing I want anymore. I am trying so hard to stay clean, to start working again, but I truly don't know what for. I could be handed everything good in this whole world and I'd still look at it with fear and abhorrence. I really hate myself, and I hate other people and they hate me. I have no agency, and now I'm stuck due to my own laziness and fear of life, with my plan being to... get a shitty job and stop doing drugs? literally what for? just to see if it does something? it doesn't. it wont. I've done that shit, I have pushed through everyday for years telling myself I will feel better if I go through the motions, and I never ever ever fucking do because I'm broken. But I can't fucking kill myself for some fucking reason.

I just want to be able to enjoy fucking ANYTHING. drugs, games, animals, my husband, books, tv shows, "friends," food, sex, booze, nature, literally fucking anything. I have this maladaptive psychological need to cancel out anything good I experience and I'm a master at it. I wish I had a sense of identity. I feel like I am nothing except some formless blob of hate and grasping for something to feel security. Beyond that, I am nothing. And I have realized that if I'm not constantly trying to, inauthentically, meet the needs and desires of the people in my life, that they instantly acknowledge my lack of value. People only care about what I bring to them, because I lack the sense of self to have value inherently. And I'm fucking tired of trying to prove that I'm valuable. I wish I had a friend. I wish I felt comfortable. Not this itching feeling that I need to rip my body off of me and dissolve for no acute reason. I don't want to be this person. I can logic my way into not hating everything, but I just feel it, always. I don't know why I am so miserable a person. I really don't. I actually hate myself. I wish I was nice and funny and interesting, but I am devoid of talent and skill, I am mean, I am ugly, I am awkward, I am stupid.

 

[F@#$]

You sound like me. I've given up on everything. I hate everyone(especially myself). Nothing brings me pleasure, except planning brutal revenge for the ones I loathe the most.

 

[Abyssal]

Had to do a double take since you are one of the kindest people I have gotten to know on here

 

[ApparentlyNot]

Had to do a double take since you are one of the kindest people I have gotten to know on here

Thanks abyssal, that's really kind of you to say. I appreciate it.

 

[divinemistress87]

All i feel is hate and anger to

 

[chewychocolate]

I used to feel this intense empathy and compassion for nearly everyone I encountered. But it is gone. I quite literally want to punch everyone I look at or interact with in the face.

This is relatable. I used to be the type of person to spread pOSitIviTy and to try and cheer everyone up. But due to all of the oppression i face from people, my personality did a 180 and im in a sour mood all the time. It has affected my relationships with my family and my friends to the point that most of the people ive once trusted have cut me off. At least no one will care once im gone.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I don't know why I cant see the good in anything anymore, I don't know what happened. It all enrages and repulses me. I used to feel this intense empathy and compassion for nearly everyone I encountered. But it is gone. I quite literally want to punch everyone I look at or interact with in the face. I am such an insufferable person to be and for others to be around. I offer nothing. I deeply wish I was dead. There's nothing I want anymore. I am trying so hard to stay clean, to start working again, but I truly don't know what for. I could be handed everything good in this whole world and I'd still look at it with fear and abhorrence. I really hate myself, and I hate other people and they hate me. I have no agency, and now I'm stuck due to my own laziness and fear of life, with my plan being to... get a shitty job and stop doing drugs? literally what for? just to see if it does something? it doesn't. it wont. I've done that shit, I have pushed through everyday for years telling myself I will feel better if I go through the motions, and I never ever ever fucking do because I'm broken. But I can't fucking kill myself for some fucking reason.

I just want to be able to enjoy fucking ANYTHING. drugs, games, animals, my husband, books, tv shows, "friends," food, sex, booze, nature, literally fucking anything. I have this maladaptive psychological need to cancel out anything good I experience and I'm a master at it. I wish I had a sense of identity. I feel like I am nothing except some formless blob of hate and grasping for something to feel security. Beyond that, I am nothing. And I have realized that if I'm not constantly trying to, inauthentically, meet the needs and desires of the people in my life, that they instantly acknowledge my lack of value. People only care about what I bring to them, because I lack the sense of self to have value inherently. And I'm fucking tired of trying to prove that I'm valuable. I wish I had a friend. I wish I felt comfortable. Not this itching feeling that I need to rip my body off of me and dissolve for no acute reason. I don't want to be this person. I can logic my way into not hating everything, but I just feel it, always. I don't know why I am so miserable a person. I really don't. I actually hate myself. I wish I was nice and funny and interesting, but I am devoid of talent and skill, I am mean, I am ugly, I am awkward, I am stupid.

I'm in the same place. Absolutely nothing is okay and I want to shoot up.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hey I'm sorry I didn't see your thread back when you posted it. I know what you mean about feeling like you hate everyone and everything. Especially port smoking degenerates like me!

I wish I knew how you could feel better but I have no idea how. I can't even figure it out for myself either since I'm in the same situation. I'm sorry we both feel like this.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Same. So tired of happy, normal people preaching to me about mental health when I know for a fact they couldn't last a day in my shoes.

 

[ApparentlyNot]

Hey I'm sorry I didn't see your thread back when you posted it. I know what you mean about feeling like you hate everyone and everything. Especially port smoking degenerates like me!

I wish I knew how you could feel better but I have no idea how. I can't even figure it out for myself either since I'm in the same situation. I'm sorry we both feel like this.

Lost I could never hate you though, even through your port smoking degeneracy. I'm sorry too man. Shit is rough. I hope we both can achieve peace one day, in one form or another.

 

[Mi Mi]

I don't know why I cant see the good in anything anymore, I don't know what happened. It all enrages and repulses me. I used to feel this intense empathy and compassion for nearly everyone I encountered. But it is gone. I quite literally want to punch everyone I look at or interact with in the face. I am such an insufferable person to be and for others to be around. I offer nothing. I deeply wish I was dead. There's nothing I want anymore. I am trying so hard to stay clean, to start working again, but I truly don't know what for. I could be handed everything good in this whole world and I'd still look at it with fear and abhorrence. I really hate myself, and I hate other people and they hate me. I have no agency, and now I'm stuck due to my own laziness and fear of life, with my plan being to... get a shitty job and stop doing drugs? literally what for? just to see if it does something? it doesn't. it wont. I've done that shit, I have pushed through everyday for years telling myself I will feel better if I go through the motions, and I never ever ever fucking do because I'm broken. But I can't fucking kill myself for some fucking reason.

I just want to be able to enjoy fucking ANYTHING. drugs, games, animals, my husband, books, tv shows, "friends," food, sex, booze, nature, literally fucking anything. I have this maladaptive psychological need to cancel out anything good I experience and I'm a master at it. I wish I had a sense of identity. I feel like I am nothing except some formless blob of hate and grasping for something to feel security. Beyond that, I am nothing. And I have realized that if I'm not constantly trying to, inauthentically, meet the needs and desires of the people in my life, that they instantly acknowledge my lack of value. People only care about what I bring to them, because I lack the sense of self to have value inherently. And I'm fucking tired of trying to prove that I'm valuable. I wish I had a friend. I wish I felt comfortable. Not this itching feeling that I need to rip my body off of me and dissolve for no acute reason. I don't want to be this person. I can logic my way into not hating everything, but I just feel it, always. I don't know why I am so miserable a person. I really don't. I actually hate myself. I wish I was nice and funny and interesting, but I am devoid of talent and skill, I am mean, I am ugly, I am awkward, I am stupid.

That feeling came after my failed attempt
Having to spend new years in a ward
Afraid to leave because I knew I had nothing to come back to
All the love and happiness I wanted just for myself no longer existed
I was disgusted by people telling me I could get better
Hate being alone but Hate people more
It's horrible
I completely understand

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Lost I could never hate you though, even through your port smoking degeneracy. I'm sorry too man. Shit is rough. I hope we both can achieve peace one day, in one form or another.

I'm hoping I can achieve it very soon. It was fun hanging out in discord last fall until everyone went their separate ways. I kinda got lost in my own little bubble for a while, but I hope you can feel better somehow whether you're alive still or not.