ApparentlyNot
Send cats.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 139
I don't know why I cant see the good in anything anymore, I don't know what happened. It all enrages and repulses me. I used to feel this intense empathy and compassion for nearly everyone I encountered. But it is gone. I quite literally want to punch everyone I look at or interact with in the face. I am such an insufferable person to be and for others to be around. I offer nothing. I deeply wish I was dead. There's nothing I want anymore. I am trying so hard to stay clean, to start working again, but I truly don't know what for. I could be handed everything good in this whole world and I'd still look at it with fear and abhorrence. I really hate myself, and I hate other people and they hate me. I have no agency, and now I'm stuck due to my own laziness and fear of life, with my plan being to... get a shitty job and stop doing drugs? literally what for? just to see if it does something? it doesn't. it wont. I've done that shit, I have pushed through everyday for years telling myself I will feel better if I go through the motions, and I never ever ever fucking do because I'm broken. But I can't fucking kill myself for some fucking reason.
I just want to be able to enjoy fucking ANYTHING. drugs, games, animals, my husband, books, tv shows, "friends," food, sex, booze, nature, literally fucking anything. I have this maladaptive psychological need to cancel out anything good I experience and I'm a master at it. I wish I had a sense of identity. I feel like I am nothing except some formless blob of hate and grasping for something to feel security. Beyond that, I am nothing. And I have realized that if I'm not constantly trying to, inauthentically, meet the needs and desires of the people in my life, that they instantly acknowledge my lack of value. People only care about what I bring to them, because I lack the sense of self to have value inherently. And I'm fucking tired of trying to prove that I'm valuable. I wish I had a friend. I wish I felt comfortable. Not this itching feeling that I need to rip my body off of me and dissolve for no acute reason. I don't want to be this person. I can logic my way into not hating everything, but I just feel it, always. I don't know why I am so miserable a person. I really don't. I actually hate myself. I wish I was nice and funny and interesting, but I am devoid of talent and skill, I am mean, I am ugly, I am awkward, I am stupid.
I just want to be able to enjoy fucking ANYTHING. drugs, games, animals, my husband, books, tv shows, "friends," food, sex, booze, nature, literally fucking anything. I have this maladaptive psychological need to cancel out anything good I experience and I'm a master at it. I wish I had a sense of identity. I feel like I am nothing except some formless blob of hate and grasping for something to feel security. Beyond that, I am nothing. And I have realized that if I'm not constantly trying to, inauthentically, meet the needs and desires of the people in my life, that they instantly acknowledge my lack of value. People only care about what I bring to them, because I lack the sense of self to have value inherently. And I'm fucking tired of trying to prove that I'm valuable. I wish I had a friend. I wish I felt comfortable. Not this itching feeling that I need to rip my body off of me and dissolve for no acute reason. I don't want to be this person. I can logic my way into not hating everything, but I just feel it, always. I don't know why I am so miserable a person. I really don't. I actually hate myself. I wish I was nice and funny and interesting, but I am devoid of talent and skill, I am mean, I am ugly, I am awkward, I am stupid.
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