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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I figured this post could be helpful,not only for myself but for others too.

I think i've talked the ear off about my relationship with blue that led me into this spiral but I believe i should give a better prospective of my story i believe i've mentioned it when i initially joined but i feel like a more fleshed out verison for those interested could definitely aid so here we go



As a young child i was always your happy go lucky kid wanted the best for everyone was naive innocent pure optimistic even

But despite all that i still suffered with unrealised feelings of self hate and dislike,i dont think i had the best self image growing up psychically speaking anyway but i used to always have this "pretend friend" who would constantly mock me belittle me and undermine everything i do or mistake i make etc i normalised this but i realise this is probably a manifestation of 2 things

Loneliness because yes i felt lonely even as a child but early signs of dislike and lack of confidence too no idea why this existed but it was there. When i 1st started primary school i had one friend that i basically latched onto and talked to no one else

Not because of him specifically just had low confidence to really talk to other people it was the mentality (that i somewhat share today) of i dont want to bother that person if they talk to me i will engage otherwise unless I'm comfortable or know someone i'll leave them alone its always how i've been

So again maybe i did want more friends but I didn't really know much else and at the time i felt condent with the friend i had…time went by and we talked about having sleepovers together as we could spend more time together outside of school bare in mind this was before the days of phones and social media being accessible as it is today

He would often promise to tell his parents but seemingly "forget" constantly dk if this was a lack of a want or maybe a fear of asking them or something idrk but this constant disappointment and let down to this day i felt is one of the earlier examples and why i have a compulsion to constantly remind someone of an arrangement or an agreement they made


Let's fast forward to secondary school my best friend had left for mainstream while my parents kept me in a special needs school were I couldn't really excel academically or socially just remained held back and outcasted

There was this kid called lee,intially started to make fun of me and take the piss out of me but when he found it to be ineffective he took me under his wing and basically got me to harrass this other kid and to this day i have no idea why i did it…he didn't even tell me anymore he said it like once and it just came a compulsive thing…maybe I didn't like his goodie too shoes behaviour but i never saw myself as a bad person or bully as such

Do i argee with that behaviour or course I don't…do i regret it…retroactively no because he ended up being a twat longer term anyways but go back a few years there was a point i regret not apologising to him sooner for the stuff i did to him because we became on decent terms after that

There was also a point on kik (this is when i started to get into social media) were i was bullied on end for my appearance i believe looking back this was because of my facial hair…yes at 13-14 i had facial hair who've thought for years online whenever i show my face i'd have people doubt my age and suspect me of being a pedophile which is another reason why i don't like my face or show it online to this day…i've always had negative experiences with it…although thats not a reason for me beint suicideal mind you

Then there was my childhood bully who made my life complete and utter hell making my lack of social confidence even worse than it was…going around spreading fake infomation about me and of course everyone believed him…a common trend in my life that has taken different forms

Had this happen a ton online too…as you can imagine feelings of loneliness sadness depression emotional neglect from my family that i'm still led to believe either didn't exist or was my own doing bulling that I couldn't speak out about that i was unintentionally gaslit into believing it wasn't bulling or that it was even happening at all as none of this was ever to my face…i just always felt…out of place whereever i went

Took a huge chip on the confidence all of this added to my depression so what do i do an isolated depressed sad and lonely so and so that cant make friends irl…tried to online…problem was because of my lack of hobbies growing up outside of gaming i guess i used to write fan fictions occasionally or aleast brainstorm ideas listen to music and watch youtube as you do but i feel like I could've and should've had more interests that I didn't like maybe watching anime and the likes of football and f1 that i like now or even getting more into cars than i was or lego or even music…guess I've always liked impressions too but what i believe and know i really wanted was friends

But i was never really a texter but thats the only choice i ever had again calling and voice notes weren't as common place back then…heck even now not everyone is comfortable with either but i always and to this day still feel limited to what i can say and express via text…i was a verison of myself but could never truly be myself which never helped with my emotional outbursts and such

I guess one reason i was always quick to anger or feeling misunderstood or not listened to and many of the feelings i felt is I couldn't feel like i could ever be myself i guess even growing up i always tried to be what people wanted,kieran liked nintendo and gaming vintage gaming so i got into that which became my roots tbf not just because of him

Even when i started becoming close to my mute frienf charlie i feel i tried to be the type of person he was or wanted me to be but i never really questioned and even to this day who am i?

I was emotional alot online venting to people because i felt shitty but all i ever did is vent and complain and not much else i guess a common tread of mine too naturally over time as ignorant as people were i guess they questioned wether my feelings were genuine not just my behaviour but feelings…i tend to blank out those memories of early amino…i really do i don't like them…i admit i did bad things and done things I should've have but alot of the mistreatment and misunderstanding i had as a 13 year old…i mean to this day it probably leaves a scar

There was this girl i liked irl that i wanted to be friends with bully ruined that opportunity for me too…went to social groups but never really fitted in joined a depression community were i got taken advantage of by a dude on there and lashed out on other people partiually because of him which didn't help

Because i was in such a small school were half the students were "high on the spectrum" shall we say or just outright scum because of the area of england i lived in i really didn't have much choice for friends irl the social groups i went to i always sank at and my parents never allowed me to go out on my own just literally left me to my own gaming devices so i became somewhat of a shutin because of that

There were periods in time the only place i felt save was traveling on the school bus it was between 2 hells school and home

Finnical shit caused my mother to get way more toxic the family i had previously had distanced themselves and i found myself having lesser and lesser outings as nether of my parents possesed an automobile or general knowledge of what was out there or even enegry to do any of these things i would ever bring up if at all

There was probably also i lot of things I would've liked when growing up but was never given the opportunity…my mother shut down my dreams of preforming arts and acting,never appreciated my dreams of musical talent hands me a gutiar and expects me to take interest but when i ask for a keyboard she tells me to fuck off…it's just yea looking back were my parents ever really supportive of me?

She constantly screams at me or in general my father was always indifferent about anything and emotionally insensitive and my sister wasn't much better resenting my entire existence when all i ever was is indifferent or passive towards her most of the time

I don't make a big deal of it and i guess i don't realise but my family are far from perfect kinda toxic in alot of ways neglectful even are they abusive I wouldn't go that far but…yea

Eventually i slowly made friends that i played xbox with a swed american and someone i met at one of the social groups i went to…but on was an ego manic another become a full blown bigot and the amercian…well i question wether they were my friend at all

I also had my old friend kimchi which i believe i've talked to some length she made me feel understood she was sweet and caring towards me I remember playing forza when i would talk to her it was all sweetcates and sunshine

I would listen to her stories and analogies and she added a happy spring to my step i never used to have but over time i guess i clung to her too tightly…depression got the better of me and i brought her down…she grew distant from me which oniy caused me more anxiety and depression and timezones didnt help…then after all that the bombshell came that the heart condition she said she had for over a year wasn't even real…and i dont think i ever recovered from that…i sucked it up and tried to be ok with it but the reality is my trust had been broken that day and even though i stuck with her more out of codependency than anything i really should've taken a break or a step back to process everything i became resentful towards her

Mistrusting of her passive aggressive…maybe unresolved resentment as well as many other feelings not even toward her but myself life in general and everything else…this went on and progressively got worse she got more distant suggested i gave up my passions and hobbies…our once somewhat healthy warm relationship was broken…and only she could see it…even looking back i don't see it…I'm just using common sense here

She eventually left after i called her a "B" word dozens of times…why i did that…gotta be in my top 5-10 worst meltdowns she blocked me without a word and i never really knew…I genuinely thought she'd come back but no…yet i was too stupid to even realise "huh maybe it was my fault" i blamed myself of course i did…but at the same time i blamed myself without stupidly knowing why…i think thats a genuine flaw of mine…i try to reflect on my actions and i do feel bad for them but i have such a disconnect from them and even repressed memory kf them i feel it's truly hard to learn from them i can identify their wrong and i dont like them or feel proud of them or even like how they make people feel but i continue to do them

This comes into the othwr side of the arguement i have issues…maybe some people in my life haven't been the best…maybe i've had the wrong people around me and had people misunderstand me and etc…but there is some people who have offered me kindness and understanding and all i ever was is continuosulu terrible to them…and it never stopped and again i dknt enjoy this shit at all…i'd much rather have fun and games and laughs and deep emotional connections that all of this touch and go abusive relationships that always end in heart break

People say "maybe you fan change" people have said this for years even now but the truth is can i when all i feel like is the victim and can't even fully connect with what i did…had people say i ruined their lifes and are they wrong…people keep talking about redemption but i've already missed out so many healthy relationships so many experiences so many things I could've done and reality is something i guess i've hid from all these years is yea maybe some people are unfair and fo get the wrong idea about me and nasty

But are some of them right…what i do and have done is awful…yet I can't seem to stop them…we are now entering into the stage of "this is why i want to and need to die"

I don't get over people the countless friendships i have that i crave to have back and those are just blue and kimchi hut every relationship the countless ones i've fucked up…and i keep saying there is obviously a reason i'm like this clearly…but i feel like so much damage has alresdy done so many opportunities and chances and time has passed and after dropping out of collage (long story) and lacking do many qualifications i could have if I wasn't held back like i was I could've had and been so much more…i've always had a work etthic especially when matched with the right teacher

Love maths could've gone high in that decent at english with a scribe could've got basic level too but handwriting is ass

I could've done and experienced so much more I could've had a much better life had much better relationships had so much more…yet anything and everything i had was never enough to make me feel happy to make me feel safe to make me feel confident to make me feel secure…for years i was fighting and pushing and striving for stability i was never entitled or deserving of…i'm not saying its all down to other people and circumstances out of my control they certainly played factors but there is more I could've done too…certain situations i could've handled better more things i could've done in general been more open minded to things etc

This shit life of mine,this shit personality of mine…this horrible existence of mine…it's not all my fault…but ultimately I can't say its not any of my fault either

I'm a bad person…maybe i have a good heart maybe there is good in me…but i don't like who i am…i don't like what people say and think about me i never have…i craved understanding attention and true friendship and connection but i could never get enough or aleasy not from the people i wanted it from

This is why i wish to die and probably other reasons i have not mentioned here…it isn't just the loss of my best friend and someone I actually saw a future with traveling

It's my inability to do anything right its my past mistakes and past in general its my lack of any kind of future its the facy that i've truly given up…it's the fact imve been suicidal for 10 years now nothing has ever gotten to a stage of happiness and even if i get to 25 before my life is maybe slightly happy not content but happy…will it really be worth i after all the years of pain i went through pain i caused others and time I wasted…i don't think it is

Again there is probably plenty of stuff u missed or could include but i feel this is enough to get an idea of my situation

Truth is its hard for me to put my past and life together I wouldn't want to say it's complicated but more my mind genuinely struggles to process my whole life back and its hard to know what i do and don't know as I'm constantly told differently all i know is that I wasn't happy
 
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set0553

set0553

самоубийство
May 16, 2024
111
A few years back, my work had hired a lady, Karen she's around 60 yrs old, and a throwback to 1960s hippies. She was and still is a strange one, into yoga and all sorts of different religious studies, the complete opposite of me entirely.. gradually over time we began making small talk at some point became friends. Id always had issues with "friends" they would always promise "friends no matter what" until they found out what I put them through. It wasn't intentional, I'm just nuts and depressive, its who I am. So as always, I unintentionally and intentionally began "testing" as to whether it was real or not, and put poor Karen through hell.. 🙄 id even made her cry once, and felt like crap about it, I eventually apologized. To her credit, she remained my friend, and still is now. The only one that's stuck around. I no longer "test" the friendship, and have learned to just go with it, and even looked into some of the yoga and meditation stuff she's talked about. There are (tho few) that stick around no matter what our there. She knows well also that I'm suicidal, and agrees its my choice and respects that, tho my cutting has upset her sometimes. I will always try my absolute best to be a friend to others in the same way, because far too many bail when the going gets tough.. always open to new friendships here also. 🙂
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
A few years back, my work had hired a lady, Karen she's around 60 yrs old, and a throwback to 1960s hippies. She was and still is a strange one, into yoga and all sorts of different religious studies, the complete opposite of me entirely.. gradually over time we began making small talk at some point became friends. Id always had issues with "friends" they would always promise "friends no matter what" until they found out what I put them through. It wasn't intentional, I'm just nuts and depressive, its who I am. So as always, I unintentionally and intentionally began "testing" as to whether it was real or not, and put poor Karen through hell.. 🙄 id even made her cry once, and felt like crap about it, I eventually apologized. To her credit, she remained my friend, and still is now. The only one that's stuck around. I no longer "test" the friendship, and have learned to just go with it, and even looked into some of the yoga and meditation stuff she's talked about. There are (tho few) that stick around no matter what our there. She knows well also that I'm suicidal, and agrees its my choice and respects that, tho my cutting has upset her sometimes. I will always try my absolute best to be a friend to others in the same way, because far too many bail when the going gets tough.. always open to new friendships here also. 🙂
The testing your describing sounds like me and blues early days that i don't think ever left and always left her with a scar she told me to forgive myself and all that did was make me go back to how i was and i hated myself for it

And yea i'd be happy to have a new friendship but like yourself i have no clue how long i'll be here for
 
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set0553

set0553

самоубийство
May 16, 2024
111
The testing your describing sounds like me and blues early days that i don't think ever left and always left her with a scar she told me to forgive myself and all that did was make me go back to how i was and i hated myself for it

And yea i'd be happy to have a new friendship but like yourself i have no clue how long i'll be here for
We can just make the most of it until the day comes. Never know what can happen. :)
 
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S

suicideby

After I die, I will be happy again like I used to
May 20, 2024
39
No one writes a lie in a will. If someone tells you that, it means that you are important money. As long as it is in the contract, you have to live like that. I lost my memory for 5 years due to dissociative amnesia, and then I started not trusting people. I don't know because I don't remember. No one wants to believe me, not even my family. Even now, even when I stay still, I hear auditory hallucinations, strange physical reactions, and noises. Surprisingly, even when I stay still, it's true. What happened to me for 10 years was a problem that I couldn't solve, so I tried to solve it by dying. I didn't have anything like SI from the beginning. I was just unlucky and kept failing. Now I know the method, I have the tools, and the only thing left to do is execute, so I don't even look at forums much. To succeed, you have to do it with full suspension. Of course, hanging yourself hurts. I vomited blood, but I kept trying to succeed somehow. If you really want to die, do it with full suspension.
 
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lost_ange2211

lost_ange2211

An angel who wants to go home..
May 29, 2024
146
I figured this post could be helpful,not only for myself but for others too.

I think i've talked the ear off about my relationship with blue that led me into this spiral but I believe i should give a better prospective of my story i believe i've mentioned it when i initially joined but i feel like a more fleshed out verison for those interested could definitely aid so here we go



As a young child i was always your happy go lucky kid wanted the best for everyone was naive innocent pure optimistic even

But despite all that i still suffered with unrealised feelings of self hate and dislike,i dont think i had the best self image growing up psychically speaking anyway but i used to always have this "pretend friend" who would constantly mock me belittle me and undermine everything i do or mistake i make etc i normalised this but i realise this is probably a manifestation of 2 things

Loneliness because yes i felt lonely even as a child but early signs of dislike and lack of confidence too no idea why this existed but it was there. When i 1st started primary school i had one friend that i basically latched onto and talked to no one else

Not because of him specifically just had low confidence to really talk to other people it was the mentality (that i somewhat share today) of i dont want to bother that person if they talk to me i will engage otherwise unless I'm comfortable or know someone i'll leave them alone its always how i've been

So again maybe i did want more friends but I didn't really know much else and at the time i felt condent with the friend i had…time went by and we talked about having sleepovers together as we could spend more time together outside of school bare in mind this was before the days of phones and social media being accessible as it is today

He would often promise to tell his parents but seemingly "forget" constantly dk if this was a lack of a want or maybe a fear of asking them or something idrk but this constant disappointment and let down to this day i felt is one of the earlier examples and why i have a compulsion to constantly remind someone of an arrangement or an agreement they made


Let's fast forward to secondary school my best friend had left for mainstream while my parents kept me in a special needs school were I couldn't really excel academically or socially just remained held back and outcasted

There was this kid called lee,intially started to make fun of me and take the piss out of me but when he found it to be ineffective he took me under his wing and basically got me to harrass this other kid and to this day i have no idea why i did it…he didn't even tell me anymore he said it like once and it just came a compulsive thing…maybe I didn't like his goodie too shoes behaviour but i never saw myself as a bad person or bully as such

Do i argee with that behaviour or course I don't…do i regret it…retroactively no because he ended up being a twat longer term anyways but go back a few years there was a point i regret not apologising to him sooner for the stuff i did to him because we became on decent terms after that

There was also a point on kik (this is when i started to get into social media) were i was bullied on end for my appearance i believe looking back this was because of my facial hair…yes at 13-14 i had facial hair who've thought for years online whenever i show my face i'd have people doubt my age and suspect me of being a pedophile which is another reason why i don't like my face or show it online to this day…i've always had negative experiences with it…although thats not a reason for me beint suicideal mind you

Then there was my childhood bully who made my life complete and utter hell making my lack of social confidence even worse than it was…going around spreading fake infomation about me and of course everyone believed him…a common trend in my life that has taken different forms

Had this happen a ton online too…as you can imagine feelings of loneliness sadness depression emotional neglect from my family that i'm still led to believe either didn't exist or was my own doing bulling that I couldn't speak out about that i was unintentionally gaslit into believing it wasn't bulling or that it was even happening at all as none of this was ever to my face…i just always felt…out of place whereever i went

Took a huge chip on the confidence all of this added to my depression so what do i do an isolated depressed sad and lonely so and so that cant make friends irl…tried to online…problem was because of my lack of hobbies growing up outside of gaming i guess i used to write fan fictions occasionally or aleast brainstorm ideas listen to music and watch youtube as you do but i feel like I could've and should've had more interests that I didn't like maybe watching anime and the likes of football and f1 that i like now or even getting more into cars than i was or lego or even music…guess I've always liked impressions too but what i believe and know i really wanted was friends

But i was never really a texter but thats the only choice i ever had again calling and voice notes weren't as common place back then…heck even now not everyone is comfortable with either but i always and to this day still feel limited to what i can say and express via text…i was a verison of myself but could never truly be myself which never helped with my emotional outbursts and such

I guess one reason i was always quick to anger or feeling misunderstood or not listened to and many of the feelings i felt is I couldn't feel like i could ever be myself i guess even growing up i always tried to be what people wanted,kieran liked nintendo and gaming vintage gaming so i got into that which became my roots tbf not just because of him

Even when i started becoming close to my mute frienf charlie i feel i tried to be the type of person he was or wanted me to be but i never really questioned and even to this day who am i?

I was emotional alot online venting to people because i felt shitty but all i ever did is vent and complain and not much else i guess a common tread of mine too naturally over time as ignorant as people were i guess they questioned wether my feelings were genuine not just my behaviour but feelings…i tend to blank out those memories of early amino…i really do i don't like them…i admit i did bad things and done things I should've have but alot of the mistreatment and misunderstanding i had as a 13 year old…i mean to this day it probably leaves a scar

There was this girl i liked irl that i wanted to be friends with bully ruined that opportunity for me too…went to social groups but never really fitted in joined a depression community were i got taken advantage of by a dude on there and lashed out on other people partiually because of him which didn't help

Because i was in such a small school were half the students were "high on the spectrum" shall we say or just outright scum because of the area of england i lived in i really didn't have much choice for friends irl the social groups i went to i always sank at and my parents never allowed me to go out on my own just literally left me to my own gaming devices so i became somewhat of a shutin because of that

There were periods in time the only place i felt save was traveling on the school bus it was between 2 hells school and home

Finnical shit caused my mother to get way more toxic the family i had previously had distanced themselves and i found myself having lesser and lesser outings as nether of my parents possesed an automobile or general knowledge of what was out there or even enegry to do any of these things i would ever bring up if at all

There was probably also i lot of things I would've liked when growing up but was never given the opportunity…my mother shut down my dreams of preforming arts and acting,never appreciated my dreams of musical talent hands me a gutiar and expects me to take interest but when i ask for a keyboard she tells me to fuck off…it's just yea looking back were my parents ever really supportive of me?

She constantly screams at me or in general my father was always indifferent about anything and emotionally insensitive and my sister wasn't much better resenting my entire existence when all i ever was is indifferent or passive towards her most of the time

I don't make a big deal of it and i guess i don't realise but my family are far from perfect kinda toxic in alot of ways neglectful even are they abusive I wouldn't go that far but…yea

Eventually i slowly made friends that i played xbox with a swed american and someone i met at one of the social groups i went to…but on was an ego manic another become a full blown bigot and the amercian…well i question wether they were my friend at all

I also had my old friend kimchi which i believe i've talked to some length she made me feel understood she was sweet and caring towards me I remember playing forza when i would talk to her it was all sweetcates and sunshine

I would listen to her stories and analogies and she added a happy spring to my step i never used to have but over time i guess i clung to her too tightly…depression got the better of me and i brought her down…she grew distant from me which oniy caused me more anxiety and depression and timezones didnt help…then after all that the bombshell came that the heart condition she said she had for over a year wasn't even real…and i dont think i ever recovered from that…i sucked it up and tried to be ok with it but the reality is my trust had been broken that day and even though i stuck with her more out of codependency than anything i really should've taken a break or a step back to process everything i became resentful towards her

Mistrusting of her passive aggressive…maybe unresolved resentment as well as many other feelings not even toward her but myself life in general and everything else…this went on and progressively got worse she got more distant suggested i gave up my passions and hobbies…our once somewhat healthy warm relationship was broken…and only she could see it…even looking back i don't see it…I'm just using common sense here

She eventually left after i called her a "B" word dozens of times…why i did that…gotta be in my top 5-10 worst meltdowns she blocked me without a word and i never really knew…I genuinely thought she'd come back but no…yet i was too stupid to even realise "huh maybe it was my fault" i blamed myself of course i did…but at the same time i blamed myself without stupidly knowing why…i think thats a genuine flaw of mine…i try to reflect on my actions and i do feel bad for them but i have such a disconnect from them and even repressed memory kf them i feel it's truly hard to learn from them i can identify their wrong and i dont like them or feel proud of them or even like how they make people feel but i continue to do them

This comes into the othwr side of the arguement i have issues…maybe some people in my life haven't been the best…maybe i've had the wrong people around me and had people misunderstand me and etc…but there is some people who have offered me kindness and understanding and all i ever was is continuosulu terrible to them…and it never stopped and again i dknt enjoy this shit at all…i'd much rather have fun and games and laughs and deep emotional connections that all of this touch and go abusive relationships that always end in heart break

People say "maybe you fan change" people have said this for years even now but the truth is can i when all i feel like is the victim and can't even fully connect with what i did…had people say i ruined their lifes and are they wrong…people keep talking about redemption but i've already missed out so many healthy relationships so many experiences so many things I could've done and reality is something i guess i've hid from all these years is yea maybe some people are unfair and fo get the wrong idea about me and nasty

But are some of them right…what i do and have done is awful…yet I can't seem to stop them…we are now entering into the stage of "this is why i want to and need to die"

I don't get over people the countless friendships i have that i crave to have back and those are just blue and kimchi hut every relationship the countless ones i've fucked up…and i keep saying there is obviously a reason i'm like this clearly…but i feel like so much damage has alresdy done so many opportunities and chances and time has passed and after dropping out of collage (long story) and lacking do many qualifications i could have if I wasn't held back like i was I could've had and been so much more…i've always had a work etthic especially when matched with the right teacher

Love maths could've gone high in that decent at english with a scribe could've got basic level too but handwriting is ass

I could've done and experienced so much more I could've had a much better life had much better relationships had so much more…yet anything and everything i had was never enough to make me feel happy to make me feel safe to make me feel confident to make me feel secure…for years i was fighting and pushing and striving for stability i was never entitled or deserving of…i'm not saying its all down to other people and circumstances out of my control they certainly played factors but there is more I could've done too…certain situations i could've handled better more things i could've done in general been more open minded to things etc

This shit life of mine,this shit personality of mine…this horrible existence of mine…it's not all my fault…but ultimately I can't say its not any of my fault either

I'm a bad person…maybe i have a good heart maybe there is good in me…but i don't like who i am…i don't like what people say and think about me i never have…i craved understanding attention and true friendship and connection but i could never get enough or aleasy not from the people i wanted it from

This is why i wish to die and probably other reasons i have not mentioned here…it isn't just the loss of my best friend and someone I actually saw a future with traveling

It's my inability to do anything right its my past mistakes and past in general its my lack of any kind of future its the facy that i've truly given up…it's the fact imve been suicidal for 10 years now nothing has ever gotten to a stage of happiness and even if i get to 25 before my life is maybe slightly happy not content but happy…will it really be worth i after all the years of pain i went through pain i caused others and time I wasted…i don't think it is

Again there is probably plenty of stuff u missed or could include but i feel this is enough to get an idea of my situation

Truth is its hard for me to put my past and life together I wouldn't want to say it's complicated but more my mind genuinely struggles to process my whole life back and its hard to know what i do and don't know as I'm constantly told differently all i know is that I wasn't happy
That's a lot that happened to you and it's very sad that you had to go through all of that. I don't think that you are a bad person though, you are a person who had bad things happen to them. And especially as child where you don't understand all the things going on around to your instincts just make you adapt to the situation in anyway that will make it better or right for you.
Some of those habits and strategies you developed back then to try to deal with what was going on just don't work anymore when you grow older and are considered an adult.
And if you collected enough of those bad and different habits and strategies you will fail in long term.

If your family and people close to you never showed you love and affection which you needed, it's obvious that you struggle with it and try to compensate what you've rarely gotten during your yung age.

That's just one example. Nobody should feel bad because of what ones circumstances and other people did to you.

Another point is and I know it feels hard but if you feel like you missed out on something just do it now. Nobody keeps you from getting a piano now or at least try to learn about notes and chords and the theory of playing if you can't afford an instrument just now.

I have an online friend who said he never built a snowman when he was a child. And I told him that when we meet and if it is winter we'll build the nicest snow man there is, have a snow ball fight and so on. And both of us are young adults - but who actually cares?

Btw this isn't supposed to be a pro life comment but I hate to see people be or think they are out of options. I know how bad it feels to suffer and I'm also at the point where I see less and less sense in all of it despite the therapy I had, despite the options I have.

None of us knows what the future will hold, we are either still there to experience it or we decide to not take part in it anymore. Do what feels right for you.
 
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