Anyone else in a relationship?

[failedmind]

I met an amazing guy, we've been dating for a little while now. I feel very in love with him and he's in love with me. He makes me so happy. But of course, I'm still suicidal and I have a plan to CTB by the end of the year. is anyone else dealing with this? The guilt of knowing youre going to leave them bc youre going to CTB? I dont want to break up with him but I don't know what else to do. It's going to break his heart and I know he'll blame himself. My mind is set though. i just feel so alone in this

 

[MyShadow]

This needs to be said. If you plan to end your life then you should not be in a relationship. It's completely wrong and unfair to drag someone into your plans and to put him through that pain and anguish. He will certainly blame himself and carry that for the rest of his life, and may even try to kill himself as well.

Either seek help or leave the relationship.

 

[failedmind]

This needs to be said. If you plan to end your life then you should not be in a relationship. It's completely wrong and unfair to drag someone into your plans and to put him through that pain and anguish. He will certainly blame himself and carry that for the rest of his life, and may even try to kill himself as well. Either get help or leave the relationship.

Yeah, I should probably leave it then bc I've tried every way to get help and nothing has worked. Thanks for responding

 

[MyShadow]

Yeah, I should probably leave it then bc I've tried every way to get help and nothing has worked. Thanks for responding

I am with you and we are truly alone in this decision and it's awful and lonely and scary.

I'm sorry. I wish that I had better answers.

 

[failedmind]

I am with you and we are truly alone in this decision and it's awful and lonely and scary.

I'm sorry. I wish that I had better answers.

I'm sorry youre struggling too. It feels so lonely and isolating. Dont apologize. Sending love your way

 

[MyShadow]

I'm sorry youre struggling too. It feels so lonely and isolating. Dont apologize. Sending love your way

Thank you. I've lost just about everything, including my purpose for living so I understand.
Returning the love because it's apparent that we both need it.

 

[slowdance]

I was in a relationship for most of my 20s and I was suicidal for most of my 20s. I don't see how leaving behind a boyfriend is any different from leaving behind a friend or a brother or a mother or a son. There's nothing special about having a romantic relationship. It's just a different type of relationship from the other ones. Life is miserable enough as is without purposefully doing things that make you unhappy. The whole "suicide is selfish" bullshit is itself 10 times more selfish. If your boyfriend finds out that dating him is the only reason you aren't killing yourself, he will resent you

 

[Dejected 55]

I understand conceptually the notion that IF you're truly planning a suicide that being in a relationship with someone who really loves you, how brutal that will be when you are gone. I understand conceptually that it makes sense to leave that person... but let me say that IF he does truly love you and you break up with him for some random reason now... thinking it will make him not hurt later... whenever he finds out you committed suicide, he will think back to the moment you broke up and wonder if you were hurting then and he will torture himself for not seeing it and not trying harder for you.

I think it's fair to say "don't get into a relationship" but you are already there. I honestly think the best thing for both of you... if you love him and you believe he loves you... is to be honest and tell him how depressed you are and that you are considering suicide. IF he can't handle it or leaves or whatever, then you solved your problem... but if he cares and supports and stays and wants to help... maybe the additional support of his love for you can help you see a path to improvement?

I don't know. I mean, most of my problems is a life of never being in a relationship, never being loved... so I can't even imagine truly what it would be like to have someone love me and be wondering how to handle it... plus in my case I wouldn't be suicidal if someone loved me. Even if I was still depressed for other reasons, I am only suicidal because of having no one... so for me, having someone would help me tremendously.

I mean if your options right now are silence and dying and risking causing him pain, or breaking up with him and causing him pain now and maybe more later... why not for your own sake as well as his, try being open and giving him and you a chance to see if something good could come from the discussion?

 

[whalestoeletters]

my boyfriend is similarly amazing and kind, but my bpd often makes it nigh-unbearable to be a human being that maintains relationships with other people. even the smallest indication of abandonment dials my pain response to 11, no matter how normal any given interaction i'm experiencing is.
i truly thought this might be the one chance i get wherein someone will tolerate me - really, actually keep being incredibly kind to me despite the fact that i'm utterly and totally incapable of not being a monster without even realizing it. but i'm pretty sure he's getting tired of me now. the atmosphere between us is definitely different, and it's as if we're about to reach a breaking point. and honestly, i think this very singular fact might break me.
time and time again, i have utterly failed at maintaining functional relationships, despite the fact that i have an insatiable craving for love and affection - so, when the inevitable does end up happening, i think it'll be time to go.

i'm really glad that your partner is so good to you - that from what you've said, your relationship at least seems to be very positive. being honest with him might indeed be the best possible thing for you both right now, unless you're absolutely sure that alienation is fate, as is in my case. eithet way, i really do hope things work out according to the way you want them to.

 

[hmnow]

I am too in a long term relationship - yet the feelings continue

At times I worry how it will affect her, at other times I don't really care

Not sure what that really means other than the need to CTB is greater important than what I cause by my depature

 

[failedmind]

I understand conceptually the notion that IF you're truly planning a suicide that being in a relationship with someone who really loves you, how brutal that will be when you are gone. I understand conceptually that it makes sense to leave that person... but let me say that IF he does truly love you and you break up with him for some random reason now... thinking it will make him not hurt later... whenever he finds out you committed suicide, he will think back to the moment you broke up and wonder if you were hurting then and he will torture himself for not seeing it and not trying harder for you.

I think it's fair to say "don't get into a relationship" but you are already there. I honestly think the best thing for both of you... if you love him and you believe he loves you... is to be honest and tell him how depressed you are and that you are considering suicide. IF he can't handle it or leaves or whatever, then you solved your problem... but if he cares and supports and stays and wants to help... maybe the additional support of his love for you can help you see a path to improvement?

I don't know. I mean, most of my problems is a life of never being in a relationship, never being loved... so I can't even imagine truly what it would be like to have someone love me and be wondering how to handle it... plus in my case I wouldn't be suicidal if someone loved me. Even if I was still depressed for other reasons, I am only suicidal because of having no one... so for me, having someone would help me tremendously.

I mean if your options right now are silence and dying and risking causing him pain, or breaking up with him and causing him pain now and maybe more later... why not for your own sake as well as his, try being open and giving him and you a chance to see if something good could come from the discussion?

I really really appreciate your words. He's aware I'm suicidal but he doesnt know I have a plan. Thanks so much again, I'm going to have a talk with him. Sending love ur way

my boyfriend is similarly amazing and kind, but my bpd often makes it nigh-unbearable to be a human being that maintains relationships with other people. even the smallest indication of abandonment dials my pain response to 11, no matter how normal any given interaction i'm experiencing is.
i truly thought this might be the one chance i get wherein someone will tolerate me - really, actually keep being incredibly kind to me despite the fact that i'm utterly and totally incapable of not being a monster without even realizing it. but i'm pretty sure he's getting tired of me now. the atmosphere between us is definitely different, and it's as if we're about to reach a breaking point. and honestly, i think this very singular fact might break me.
time and time again, i have utterly failed at maintaining functional relationships, despite the fact that i have an insatiable craving for love and affection - so, when the inevitable does end up happening, i think it'll be time to go.

i'm really glad that your partner is so good to you - that from what you've said, your relationship at least seems to be very positive. being honest with him might indeed be the best possible thing for you both right now, unless you're absolutely sure that alienation is fate, as is in my case. eithet way, i really do hope things work out according to the way you want them to.

thank you for responding. i see u, i have bpd as well. its really really tough in so many ways. ive had a hard time maintaining relationships and i feel him knowing i have a plan will push him from me, if that makes sense. i feel like my problems end up pushing everyone away, yk?
thank you again

 

[heisenberg]

me and my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years now. i also have bpd. i've been suicidal for years and started getting sn supplies since last year. sometimes i worry about how it'll affect him but i don't dwell on it too much. for me, it's also a means of not wanting to be abandoned. if i ctb first, then he can't leave me.
it's a twisted mindset to have as i know logically this will hurt him.