Anybody else thats accepted they will ctb feel a sense of relief in life?

[Teddybear]

Strangely, I started to pick up some of my daily routines again. I might even get around to clean up this place, after I let it go to shambles for almost a week now.

But my determination to "finish it" this time around hasn't diminished, just the opposite. I guess the fact that nobody is left - appart from maybe my dog - to live for has a lot to do with it.

My mom's apparrment is quiet this early in the morning, but its now devoid of human noise most of the time.
If the doorbell doesn't ring and no neighbor slams his door, then I am all alone with my fears for the future and the ghosts of a past I've always tried to escape.

I got no reason to go on living, none except the dread of death, which I'll have to face rather sooner than later no matter what I do. So, why postpone the inevitable?

I think I'll do my research about CO this weekend and after that … I cheerish silence, quietness, the absence of rage.

I am going home to see my daddy, soon.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

Strangely, I started to pick up some of my daily routines again. I might even get around to clean up this place, after I let it go to shambles for almost a week now.

But my determination to "finish it" this time around hasn't diminished, just the opposite. I guess the fact that nobody is left - appart from maybe my dog - to live for has a lot to do with it.

My mom's apparrment is quiet this early in the morning, but its now devoid of human noise most of the time.
If the doorbell doesn't ring and no neighbor slams his door, then I am all alone with my fears for the future and the ghosts of a past I've always tried to escape.

I got no reason to go on living, none except the dread of death, which I'll have to face rather sooner than later no matter what I do. So, why postpone the inevitable?

I think I'll do my research about CO this weekend and after that … I cheerish silence, quietness, the absence of rage.

I am going home to see my daddy, soon.

Man i know how it sucks. im sorry.

 

[Thisisme373]

I do feel "some" relief but not fully as I need a cheap and accessible method, also I do not know fully yet if I will do it, it depends on how somethings going to go next year, if it fails then I need a quick exit. Atm I feel torn. I know though if I had access to a gun I'd be gone.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I do feel "some" relief but not fully as I need a cheap and accessible method, also I do not know fully yet if I will do it, it depends on how somethings going to go next year, if it fails then I need a quick exit. Atm I feel torn. I know though if I had access to a gun I'd be gone.

Yes im also struggling to settle on a method but just knowing i will die eventually and hopefully soon brings me relief.

 

[Wannagonow]

If I knew my way out was full proof. I can't find that yett.

Yes. If I knew my way out was fool proof and fairly pain free. I also haven't found that yet.

 

[Minibosterita]

There's a bit of relief knowing everything will end soon. But there's always the what ifs that get me

 

[Himalayan]

Used to, but i never have a working method around. So i don't feel that anymore

 

[MaidenException]

Not really. Quite the opposite in fact. Logically, I know I have to catch the bus. The world and my life isn't getting any better. With my mental and physical health needs, it is too expensive to live and if anything, the stress and lack of support will just continue to make me worse and worse. I have no other choice.

But knowing this has forced me to confront the life I've lived and that's left me with a huge well of grief. I look back and I see how my parents failed me and broke my mind forever, I see a greedy and Kafkaesque medical system bleeding me dry and refusing to provide answers, I see my bosses exploiting me, my friends slowly leaving me. All the ways I've tried— meds, therapy, meditation, hobbies, trying to make friends, etc cannot fix the fact that I am broke and disabled. When I think about the life I could have had if I were allowed to be a person and make mistakes instead of needing to be perfect all the damn time just to survive, my heart breaks.

I don't want to die, but I can't continue the life I've had.

So right now I'm trying to handle that grief as I continue to research and plan. I need to come to terms with the reality. I've attempted suicide twice before and I honestly can say that I regret surviving. I just need to settle on a method and make my peace with it.

 

[don't want it]

If you leave for a di** she will leave you if you get sick please just ignored it
Please don't waste your time just please