Venting Anxiety

[xX.mlnchli]

It's been a minute since ive been on here, got back with my first ex, things turned out the same. Broke up and stopped being friends. Months passed, a guy hit me up, we connected fairly well. We were going to begin dating once he came back from traveling. Weve been talking for a couple weeks. But yesterday morning at 6AM, he tells me he almost killed himself. I was shocked. During the night he never told me about how he was feeling. I was and still am worried sick. I feel nauseous. When he opened up to me afterwards it was like i was talking to my younger unhealed self. I feel so bad for not wanting a relationship anymore with him because I don't want to spend my life worrying that one day he's going to take his own life, especially without him coming to me or getting help from a therapist.
I told him I was always going to be there for him, just that my heart wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with him.
I was upset, and all over the place. I wanted something with him. I felt our connection strongly. But i cannot handle losing anybody else. Im so tired of meeting new people. I dont know if i did the right thing, i feel like I should've diminished my feelings or something. Even today he's still taking risks. I know there's nothing I can say to stop him. I wish I could do more. Im going through a depressive episode after a few months of not feeling connected. Now i feel even more disconnected to myself and everybody else around me. Is this karma for attempting several times and hurting my family? I did the same thing as well when I was with my 2nd ex, so I guess i got a taste of my own medicine. I broke up with him a week or 2 after I attempted and I both knew that I wasnt well, he got mad but I couldn't handle the feeling of loneliness and disconnection and the feeling that I wasn't accomplishing anything in life, that ex wasn't well either,I couldn't let him drag me down anymore.

This feels like hell. I really thought that I was able to bond with someone new without getting hurt. I hope he gets better. Im glad I got out of the hole. I hope he finds his way out. I may sound selfish and trying to make it abt me, but this really hurts me. I want the best for him, I wish I was able to somehow make him see life the way I see it now.. i wish i could make him happy, but I can't do that without worrying a fuck ton in a relationship. All i want to do is collapse and bawl my eyes out. I dont want to feel anything anymore

 

[misty]

You did the right thing. What he is going through is incredibly sad but it seems you are also struggling a lot, and you really need to put yourself first and look after yourself in times like these. This whole situation just seems so sad and unfair and im sorry that you are having to go through this, I hope that you both can feel better soon :(