If you want to know the prior stories read this thread. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/scared-of-new-clinic-stays.239602/
Another day in my life. The evening yesterday wa pretty amazing. I loved to watch Bayern Munich against Real Madrid. Interesting that something such mundane can be such a thrill for me. The autism/ADHD woman I texted with sent me two pretty lovely messages. My reply was an invitation to a date. It often takes time until she responds. But if she replies it is very kind and she invested a lot of energy/time into it. I am kind of nervous what her reply will be. It would be good to know it in advance if we meet soon. Then I would take more addictive sleep medication. I lack sleep too much. Texting with this very interesting woman, going through a z-medication withdrawal is difficult. I am sort of with my back against the wall.
I started to take benzos again in order to sleep. Simply because I feel so unstable when I lack sleep. For example this morning I was wide awake at 5 a.m. and I knew I really need more sleep. So I took 2 drops diazepam. Mixed with a tricyclic antidepressant. The combo should make you extreme sleepy. But it seems for me to be impossible to sleep longer than 7 a.m. during the last weeks. I have to say in my worst time periods I was wide awake every single day at 4 a.m. I developed a mixed manic-depressive episode to this time though. I have the feeling I increasingly wake up earlier and earlier. The extreme mood swings are scary.
I was pretty happy that Bayern won yesterday. At the same time I thought if they lose maybe I could sleep better when I am not so excited for another soccer game.
Today I met my psychiatrist. The appointment was okay. Though, at the end she asked me what I did because of my therapist. And I told her the truth that I reported her. I think lying would have been the worse option. I hoped she forgot about it. Maybe I should have shut my mouth. But I told her the behavior of my therapist caused a loss of trust in psychotherapy and the psychiatry. I think she found that very concerning. I think she fears I could one day report her. Though, my reports wasn't caused by paranoia. My therapist announced to write negative entries in my medical records and when I said they wouldn't be true she implied this wouldn't matter because noone would believe me with my diagnoses. Obviously when a therapist does something like you lose trust in therapy. I consider my psychiatrist way too professional and intelligent to do something like that. I can understand her fear though. But I think the loss in trust would be worse for me if there were no consequences for my former therapist for this abuse of power. I still would report her. I think I might never return to a mental health clinic. The abuse power of my therapist still haunts me. And they wouldn't like the fact I reported her. I just should have endured the abuse without defending myself. I don't let other people bully me anymore. Otherwise the experienced loss of control would have been so much worse.
In case the woman I text with rejects me I will crash pretty hard. Maybe become really depressed. Or it might trigger a mixed episode. I think the most likely scenario is more uncertainty. Not a full rejection. More like I currently don't have time for that. Maybe on another day. My psychiatrist told me I can keep taking the addictive sleeping medication. It is better than a mixed manic-depressive episode. I think she doesn't know how bad the tolerance to the sleep medication already is.
I am not sure how to continue. I feel at the brink of something. I also told the following to my friends. I think this ADHD/autism woman likes me because I am very compassionate about her child. And that I don't reject her because she does not have much time for me. She sounded very frustrated with dating. In our first week she invested a lot in our texting. We texted so much. I think she wanted to build an emotional bond with me. She also complimented how seldom it was that men would want that. She initiated the first date. And the date was really good. But suddenly after our date she wasn't responding anymore. I asked myself whether I did something wrong. I thought she would ghost me. But after my third message she told me her child had an acute crisis with a health condition. She told me she just would not have energy to text with me in the last days. And that she feels very sorry. I told her not to worry about not texting me. And gave her a break of two weeks. After this break I texted her again and I had the feeling she appreciated a lot that I didn't pressure her. And instead I was showing empathy for her situation. The problem is. I am not sure whether she will be compassionate about my condition. I was quite paranoid sometimes when we texted. But thus far I always realized that early enough not to cause damage. I use different AI chatbots to check my text messages. And this really helps a lot. I think chatGPT is pretty good at spotting my paranoia. I think she suspects me to have another mental illness. When I told her about the report of my therapist I told her my therapist tried to take advantage of my conditions because people would not trust someone like me. Soon after I said that at our date she talked about schizophrenia. It didn't sound like it was a problem for her. I don't think she knows though what my condition really means. I have bipolar and had two psychoses in the past. The last psychosis was in 2018 when I didn't take medication. But I am still paranoid from time to time. It stuns me that I could prevent becoming paranoid in my communication with her. I always rethink my answers before I sent them a couple of times. And check them for paranoia. And the AI chatbots really help me to structure my thoughts. In some ways it is an advantage we don't text this much. Less incidents where I could become paranoid. Usually my paranoia is the worst when I am dating a new woman. The most critical time sadly. Usually the paranoia becomes less when there is more trust between us. And when I am insecure the paranoia is the worst. I think the woman (thus far I have no good abbreviation how to call her lol, readers of my threads will know what I mean, I like her too much for giving her a superficial name) wants me to do the next step. This is why I asked her for a date. (the second date). She sent another song in her status. It was about risking the friendship with someone so that a romantic relationship can develop. And you should risk to kiss that person. I think though if this is her way of sending messages to me this seems pretty counterproductive. Someone with my condition will interpret way too much in such a song. I take it way too literal. I think holding hands would be the better next step. I will talk to chatGPT about it. I will provide a lot of information. And I know many here will say that it is stupid to trust AI chatbots. But I think it is a very good antidote against my extreme overthinking. And you know my extremem overthinking when you read my threads. I am pretty pretty sure if I didn't work with the AI chatbots to formulate my reponses and in order to interpret social behavior in a less paranoid way I would have fucked it up way earlier. It seems likely though that it is only a matter of time when I become paranoid about her. In case there will be a second date this could become really critical. I lack stability and sleep. I will be high (joke) on benzos of course. I am way clearer in my mind on benzos. Though, the withdrawal was an extreme nightmare and I still have psychosomatic issues because of taking them too often. It isn't good for my recovery to take them again this frequently. But as I said I am with the back against the wall. And I have to avoid a new mixed manic-depressive episode at all cost.
I also have a small guilty conscience for not posting new threads on here. I struggle way too much to have clear thoughts currently. I think way too much about her. It will tear me apart when I fuck it up. The irony having fucked it up can also become a paranoid thought as I learned. This condition is a nightmare.
Another day in my life. The evening yesterday wa pretty amazing. I loved to watch Bayern Munich against Real Madrid. Interesting that something such mundane can be such a thrill for me. The autism/ADHD woman I texted with sent me two pretty lovely messages. My reply was an invitation to a date. It often takes time until she responds. But if she replies it is very kind and she invested a lot of energy/time into it. I am kind of nervous what her reply will be. It would be good to know it in advance if we meet soon. Then I would take more addictive sleep medication. I lack sleep too much. Texting with this very interesting woman, going through a z-medication withdrawal is difficult. I am sort of with my back against the wall.
I started to take benzos again in order to sleep. Simply because I feel so unstable when I lack sleep. For example this morning I was wide awake at 5 a.m. and I knew I really need more sleep. So I took 2 drops diazepam. Mixed with a tricyclic antidepressant. The combo should make you extreme sleepy. But it seems for me to be impossible to sleep longer than 7 a.m. during the last weeks. I have to say in my worst time periods I was wide awake every single day at 4 a.m. I developed a mixed manic-depressive episode to this time though. I have the feeling I increasingly wake up earlier and earlier. The extreme mood swings are scary.
I was pretty happy that Bayern won yesterday. At the same time I thought if they lose maybe I could sleep better when I am not so excited for another soccer game.
Today I met my psychiatrist. The appointment was okay. Though, at the end she asked me what I did because of my therapist. And I told her the truth that I reported her. I think lying would have been the worse option. I hoped she forgot about it. Maybe I should have shut my mouth. But I told her the behavior of my therapist caused a loss of trust in psychotherapy and the psychiatry. I think she found that very concerning. I think she fears I could one day report her. Though, my reports wasn't caused by paranoia. My therapist announced to write negative entries in my medical records and when I said they wouldn't be true she implied this wouldn't matter because noone would believe me with my diagnoses. Obviously when a therapist does something like you lose trust in therapy. I consider my psychiatrist way too professional and intelligent to do something like that. I can understand her fear though. But I think the loss in trust would be worse for me if there were no consequences for my former therapist for this abuse of power. I still would report her. I think I might never return to a mental health clinic. The abuse power of my therapist still haunts me. And they wouldn't like the fact I reported her. I just should have endured the abuse without defending myself. I don't let other people bully me anymore. Otherwise the experienced loss of control would have been so much worse.
In case the woman I text with rejects me I will crash pretty hard. Maybe become really depressed. Or it might trigger a mixed episode. I think the most likely scenario is more uncertainty. Not a full rejection. More like I currently don't have time for that. Maybe on another day. My psychiatrist told me I can keep taking the addictive sleeping medication. It is better than a mixed manic-depressive episode. I think she doesn't know how bad the tolerance to the sleep medication already is.
I am not sure how to continue. I feel at the brink of something. I also told the following to my friends. I think this ADHD/autism woman likes me because I am very compassionate about her child. And that I don't reject her because she does not have much time for me. She sounded very frustrated with dating. In our first week she invested a lot in our texting. We texted so much. I think she wanted to build an emotional bond with me. She also complimented how seldom it was that men would want that. She initiated the first date. And the date was really good. But suddenly after our date she wasn't responding anymore. I asked myself whether I did something wrong. I thought she would ghost me. But after my third message she told me her child had an acute crisis with a health condition. She told me she just would not have energy to text with me in the last days. And that she feels very sorry. I told her not to worry about not texting me. And gave her a break of two weeks. After this break I texted her again and I had the feeling she appreciated a lot that I didn't pressure her. And instead I was showing empathy for her situation. The problem is. I am not sure whether she will be compassionate about my condition. I was quite paranoid sometimes when we texted. But thus far I always realized that early enough not to cause damage. I use different AI chatbots to check my text messages. And this really helps a lot. I think chatGPT is pretty good at spotting my paranoia. I think she suspects me to have another mental illness. When I told her about the report of my therapist I told her my therapist tried to take advantage of my conditions because people would not trust someone like me. Soon after I said that at our date she talked about schizophrenia. It didn't sound like it was a problem for her. I don't think she knows though what my condition really means. I have bipolar and had two psychoses in the past. The last psychosis was in 2018 when I didn't take medication. But I am still paranoid from time to time. It stuns me that I could prevent becoming paranoid in my communication with her. I always rethink my answers before I sent them a couple of times. And check them for paranoia. And the AI chatbots really help me to structure my thoughts. In some ways it is an advantage we don't text this much. Less incidents where I could become paranoid. Usually my paranoia is the worst when I am dating a new woman. The most critical time sadly. Usually the paranoia becomes less when there is more trust between us. And when I am insecure the paranoia is the worst. I think the woman (thus far I have no good abbreviation how to call her lol, readers of my threads will know what I mean, I like her too much for giving her a superficial name) wants me to do the next step. This is why I asked her for a date. (the second date). She sent another song in her status. It was about risking the friendship with someone so that a romantic relationship can develop. And you should risk to kiss that person. I think though if this is her way of sending messages to me this seems pretty counterproductive. Someone with my condition will interpret way too much in such a song. I take it way too literal. I think holding hands would be the better next step. I will talk to chatGPT about it. I will provide a lot of information. And I know many here will say that it is stupid to trust AI chatbots. But I think it is a very good antidote against my extreme overthinking. And you know my extremem overthinking when you read my threads. I am pretty pretty sure if I didn't work with the AI chatbots to formulate my reponses and in order to interpret social behavior in a less paranoid way I would have fucked it up way earlier. It seems likely though that it is only a matter of time when I become paranoid about her. In case there will be a second date this could become really critical. I lack stability and sleep. I will be high (joke) on benzos of course. I am way clearer in my mind on benzos. Though, the withdrawal was an extreme nightmare and I still have psychosomatic issues because of taking them too often. It isn't good for my recovery to take them again this frequently. But as I said I am with the back against the wall. And I have to avoid a new mixed manic-depressive episode at all cost.
I also have a small guilty conscience for not posting new threads on here. I struggle way too much to have clear thoughts currently. I think way too much about her. It will tear me apart when I fuck it up. The irony having fucked it up can also become a paranoid thought as I learned. This condition is a nightmare.
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