And let's start again ...

[Dead Ghost]

I'm sinking ...
I feel like throwing my whole life in the dump again.
Two days ago I had a pretty bad night, but it didn't last long thanks to the exhaustion of the rest of the day acting as a "sedative" and I fell asleep in the most unexpected way, completely shattered.
I had a lot of accumulated anxiety and sadness from the day - and especially from the last month - .. I am very upset by the shocks that take me in this state often mixed with the urge to cry, but this time they were not as strong as the last Christmas. The pity is that at two in the morning my head was already at war and despite being more relaxed I couldn't sleep anymore.

People don't understand how someone who hardly moves from home or works or is related to others can end up so exhausted at the end of the day just out of anxiety. In fact, I go to bed regularly at ten o'clock at night and I usually get up between a quarter to two and a quarter to eight in the morning, a little over nine hours in bed, there should be enough to redo me.

But today the sadness is stronger and for many, many years now, I am deeply rooted in despair. Nothing improves, everything gets worse ...
... I don't know how to prevent this from happening to me, because any conflict, no matter how small, causes me severe mental exhaustion and triggers a permanent state of discomfort ...
... and not just a conflict with other people, but also the smells and noises, the unforeseen, the commitments made to the administration or the doctors (I often get upset and go through everything, I'm too busy).

Yesterday there was discussion at home about how I am and how I relate to others (basically family .. little else), but it was just one more drop that has almost spilled the glass.
In fact the most poignant discussion was a simple discussion in a forum last April, ... I am correct and polite but I can not prevent people to charge - without knowing me - against me for how I express myself. It hurt me a lot to be told that I was manipulating the texts at my convenience and that I was using fancy words so as not to say anything interesting ...

But all in all it was just another stone, it's too many things, I have many limitations added to my day to day. I'm getting used to it or I think I'm getting used to it but suddenly you realize that it's not like that, that you've just taken a shortcut so as not to face your problems and they end up catching you.

And what could I say to the person I love the most in this world: that we only write to each other from time to time and I would like more often, that I miss her a lot, that I don't know if we'll ever see each other in person, I would like to know her better after 10 months ... in fact I often write emails to her that I never get to send her and I think the decision is right because after a few days of reading them I realize that they could hurt her and take me away from her.
At the same time, my consolation is that she is not from me, because I would not know how to continue in the relationship if it were more complex and then if it would be a point and an end ...

It's hard enough for me to follow a simple friendship, ... I'm a suicidal autistic, I guess that's why he keeps so much distance, so as not to embarrass his life by my side. And I agree, but it hurts a lot.

See you tomorrow

Spoiler: Original Text

M'estic enfonsant...
Torno a tenir ganes de llençar tota la meva vida a l'abocador.
Fa dos dies vaig passar la nit força malament, tot i que va durar poca estona gràcies a que l'esgotament de la resta del día va fer de "sedant" i em vaig adormir de la manera més inesperada, rebentat del tot.
Portava molta ansietat i tristesa acumulada del día -i sobretot de l'últim més-,.. em molesten molt les sacsejades que m'agafen en aquest estat sovint barrejades amb les ganes de plorar, però aquesta vegada no van ser tant fortes com les del Nadal passat. La llàstima es que a les dues de la matinada el meu cap ja estava en peu de guerra i tot i estar més relaxat no vaig poder dormir més...

La gent no entén com algú que no es mou gairebé de casa ni treballa ni és relaciona amb els demés pot acabar tan esgotat al acabar el día només per l'ansietat. De fet m'en vaig a dormir de forma regular a les deu de la nit i acostumo a llevar-me entre un quart i dos quarts de vuit del matí, una mica més de nou hores al llit, n'hi hauria d'haver prou per refer-me.

Però avuí la tristesa és més forta i són ja molts i molts anys així, m'arrela fort la desesperança. No millora rés, tot va a pitjor...
... no se com evitar que em passi això, ja que qualsevol conflicte per petit que sigui em suposa un fort desgast mental i em desencanda un estat permanent de malestar...
... i no només un conflicte amb d'altres persones, també les olors i els sorolls, els imprevistos, els compromisos adquirits vers l'administració o els metges (sovint em desdic i passo de tot, m'atavalo massa).

Ahír va haber-hi discussió a casa per com sóc i com em relaciono vers els altres (bàsicament la família.. poca cosa més), però només va ser una gota més que ha fet gairebé vessar el got.
De fet la discussió més punyent va ser d'un simple debat en un fòrum a l'Abril passat,... jo sóc correcte i educat però no puc evitar que hi hagi persones que carreguin -sense coneixe'm- contra mi per com m'expresso. Em va fer molt mal que em digués que manipulava els textos a la meva conveniéncia i que usava paraules rebuscades per no dir pas rés d'interessant...

Però tot plegat només era una pedrada més, són masses coses, tinc moltes limitacions afegides al meu dia a dia. M'hi acostumo o crec acostumar-m'hi però de sobte te n'adones que no és pas així, que simplement has fet drecera per no enfrontar-t'hi als teus problemes i aquests t'acaben atrapant.

I que li podría dir a la persona que més m'estimo d'aquest món: que només ens escrivim de tant en tant i m'agradaría més sovint, que la trobo a faltar molt, que no se si mai ens arribarem a veure en persona, que m'agradaría conéixe-la millor després de 10 mesos... de fet li escric correus sovint que no li arribo a enviar mai i crec que la decissió és encertada perquè passats uns dies al llegir-los me n'adono que li podrien ferir i allunyar-me d'ella.
Alhora el meu consòl es que ella no n'estigui pas de mi, perquè no sabría pas com seguir en la relació si aquesta fós més complexa i llavors si que sería un punt i final...

Ja em costa prou seguir una simple relació d'amistat,... sóc un autista suïcida, suposo que per això manté tant les distàncies, per no enmerdar-se la seva vida al meu costat. I ho accepto, però em fa molt mal.

Fins demà

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering and that life has been so difficult for you. I understand how you feel. I think the best thing to do is to take it one day at a time.

I also had a hard time going back to work and when I get home I just want to go to bed. However, over time it has cost me less because right now I suffer from social anxiety.

I've been on medication for some time and that is what has helped me get back to being minimally functional. If it weren't for the medications I wouldn't have been able to get back to work and would have remained in bed.

Regarding this person, I think that, at this point, you should value the kind of relationship you've because I don't think that you're ready to try to evolve. But that is just my opinion, that's all.

I hope that somehow you manage to find a solution and that things start to go better for you. Life is sadly unfair.

I wish you the best :)

 

[Dead Ghost]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering and that life has been so difficult for you. I understand how you feel. I think the best thing to do is to take it one day at a time.

I also had a hard time going back to work and when I get home I just want to go to bed. However, over time it has cost me less because right now I suffer from social anxiety.

I've been on medication for some time and that is what has helped me get back to being minimally functional. If it weren't for the medications I wouldn't have been able to get back to work and would have remained in bed.

Regarding this person, I think that, at this point, you should value the kind of relationship you've because I don't think that you're ready to try to evolve. But that is just my opinion, that's all.

I hope that somehow you manage to find a solution and that things start to go better for you. Life is sadly unfair.

I wish you the best :)

Thank you very much for your words. I share many things you mentioned, such as not being prepared for an emotional relationship.

Thanks again

 

[timf]

One aspect that you may have already considered is that one might have a variation in their neurology that contributes to anxiety. For example the neurotransmitter GABA if insufficient may fail to provide sufficient damping of the excititory neurotransmitters.

If your situation is aggravated by biochemistry, you might be able to make adjustments with nutritional supplements.This would require research and experimentation.

 

[Dead Ghost]

One aspect that you may have already considered is that one might have a variation in their neurology that contributes to anxiety. For example the neurotransmitter GABA if insufficient may fail to provide sufficient damping of the excititory neurotransmitters.

If your situation is aggravated by biochemistry, you might be able to make adjustments with nutritional supplements.This would require research and experimentation.

You're right about that, in fact it's been many years since doctors and psychologists have told me precisely that I have a chemical problem in my head and that's why they've always insisted on taking medication. That is, anxiety is not so much due to external factors but rather to how I interact with the environment around me.

Regarding the more technical terms you used I don't know about them, but I understand that you meant what I'm saying.

Spoiler: Original Text

En això tens raó, de fet ja fa molts anys que els metges i psicòlegs m'han comentat precisament que tinc un problema químic al cap i per això sempre han insistit en la presa de medicació. Es a dir, l'ansietat no és tan deguda a factors externs sinó més bé a com interacciono jo amb l'entorn que m'envolta.

Respecte els termes més tècnics que has usat els descònec, però entenc que has volgut dir això que comento.