Being realistic

[lkjhgfdsa1]

As the days go on and my depression gets worse, I get more and more insecure about how to continue

the reason I want to CTB is because I cannot go back to the life I once had (my happy days) or had envisioned for myself (my "promising" future)
i do not want to go into details about it, but the fact is that it is impossible.

i talked a lot with people around me, they tell me I should accept this "new" life and make the best out of it
but that makes me want to feel sick

honestly, i do not have a choice-- the only way is to accept it and move on... but

I feel too much grief for my old life and the life I wanted to live.
i do not want to continue my life, feelings these feelings and living this way-- i am too regretful

plus, all the decisions i made will have negative impact on my future (my health/appearance, money, job, relationships)

thinking about it in this way, my old self and life are already dead and, rn, I am just a shell of who I was...

the only solution for me is to ctb--

i do not know how to realistically move on from this
or how to realistically move forward

ctb is my only option if i want the suffering in this way to end
but another fact is that life CAN get worse than it already is if i fail to CTB
so my heart becomes heavier every second

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I can relate completely. It's torture knowing your life is ruined and you cannot fix it. My inbox is always open while we wait to ctb. <3

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I can relate with you my panic attacks and depressive spirals and body twitches and spasms get worse

The feelings of pain and suffering and hopelessness,the constant jolts of anxiety and hurt,the thoughts of her never coming back the guilt of things i've done the regrets i have,the things i feel i've missed out on what could've been…i could on and on but i just want to leave this planet like yourself

Like yourself i felt the "happyest" years ago when i was like 15-16 when i had people i played xbox with which looking back we're pretty toxic and my best friend at the time kimchi who was the only ray of shining light i had in my life…but even she faded out eventually down to my shitty actions and emotional outbursts.

I also saw a future with the friend i lost called blue but again shitty actions of mine strike again because i was never happy…and frankly i never truly will

Make the best of your "new life"? Without knowing the details i can't truly comment but i know myself I can't see a life without her and thats me being truthful with myself so i imagine you feel simliar

I wish i could go back to who i was or even know who i am now…

I wish like yourself i could move on from the past or what could've been but i just can't so i know your pain i know your suffering and i wish we could just end it with the flick of the finger

 

[SuicidalTiger]

I look forward to the day I don't have to inhabit this body anymore, I look forward to not feeling any more pain or suffering, not being privy to abuse, or all of the "little" stabs life takes at you. I hate and loathe my father and mother for ever bringing me to this shithole realm. Soon enough, that will no longer be an issue. I just need one or two bad days and I will be gone.

For what it is worth, from a stranger on SaSu… Good luck and may your death be instant, painless and everything you hoped for.

 

[tankapi]

I can relate. I keep trying to explain to people that I can't just turn off my feelings like a switch. I can't ignore what is happening to people I care about and just "move on." They say that I need to keep trying, but have no idea what I'm really going through. I'm glad that they don't, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But it's frustrating not being understood.

 

[stackedplates245]

I feel exactly the same. I made some dumb decisions that led to losing almost everyone important in my life and I have autism which makes it really difficult to get a job or maintain my mental health if I have one. I've been contemplating which CTB method I want to use because I'm over trying to force myself to live.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I feel exactly the same. I made some dumb decisions that led to losing almost everyone important in my life and I have autism which makes it really difficult to get a job or maintain my mental health if I have one. I've been contemplating which CTB method I want to use because I'm over trying to force myself to live.

I feel that.
the second I realized living is also a choice, I gave up

 

[itwasallascream]

I can relate. I keep trying to explain to people that I can't just turn off my feelings like a switch. I can't ignore what is happening to people I care about and just "move on." They say that I need to keep trying, but have no idea what I'm really going through. I'm glad that they don't, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But it's frustrating not being understood.

Right. If I here one more person say "move on". People have no idea how hard it can be if you've got BPD or CPTSD. Like they have no idea. Someone else told me to go for a walk. They are just clueless. I said I'd would go for a walk and then in my head I finished the sentence by saying " a walk across the freeway or into the ocean"

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Right. If I here one more person say "move on". People have no idea how hard it can be if you've got BPD or CPTSD. Like they have no idea. Someone else told me to go for a walk. They are just clueless. I said I'd would go for a walk and then in my head I finished the sentence by saying " a walk across the freeway or into the ocean"

Or being told to "relax". Or get "help" from someone who would fall apart themselves if they were in your shoes.