Help Am I a masochist?

[Ilovemycats]

I had a therapy appointment the week before and this question been bugging me lately-

I harm myself for now around 2 years, and my therapist is trying to find out with me in which moments I do it so that we can prevent it or something. I do it mainly when i'm having a shitty day or when i'm on the verge of ctb but at times I simply do it. No reason at all, it's just makes me happier.

I'm not really fond of pain- to be honest i only like cutting myself, choking and being hit- anything that involves burns and such, I completely despise.. With cutting i like how it feels and how the scars look, i have the same with bruises, I like how they look- but does that make me a masochist? Not in a sexual manner atleast..-

It's also not like I harm myself everyday or something, I do it when i feel like it which is really random. But my therapist said that she doesn't fully understand this and I'm questioning myself as well now..

 

[telekon]

Do you enjoy being humiliated?

 

[Greasyhair]

This is hard conundrum and there are so many possibilities. My cousin used to cut themselves, and I think it was to feel anything else and to distract which the brain rewired as being good rather than genuine love of pain.

I myself don't self harm, but whenever I feel heart palpitations etc it hurts for moment, but then I get this surge of pleasure as I think is this it?

 

[Ilovemycats]

Do you enjoy being humiliated?

Nope, i despise it- everytime i feel like bashing my head in after getting humiliated( T∀T)

This is hard conundrum and there are so many possibilities. My cousin used to cut themselves, and I think it was to feel anything else and to distract which the brain rewired as being good rather than genuine love of pain.

I myself don't self harm, but whenever I feel heart palpitations etc it hurts for moment, but then I get this surge of pleasure as I think is this it?

I mean- sounds logical I guess, idk I've gotten so used to the feeling of being miserable at times that i don't see myself without it. Which is probably just my stupid brain doing it thing(^^;

 

[annointed_towers]

It's interesting — I have a low pain tolerance and am deathly afraid of pain, but according to my results from the semi-well known online BDSM test, my top categories are degradee, masochist and someone who likes being humiliated.

I haven't had sex in over a year, but if I could, I'd be interested to explore these things. I always liked rough sex, but now, as my mind sinks deeper into self loathing, guilt and shame, I find I am drawn to sexual fantasies that seem like they would sublimate my mental and emotional pain.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Pain can actually create addictive endorphins similar to some drugs. That's why self-harm is an addiction. Combine that with "pain stimming," something certain neurodivergent people do, and it makes recovery hard. Sometimes pain is grounding.

 

[reb]

EXTREMELY off topic but i love your username

 

[Ilovemycats]

EXTREMELY off topic but i love your username

THANK YOUU!!! I honestly had no idea what to name myself so yeah- (^^)d

 

[annointed_towers]

EXTREMELY off topic but i love your username

is yours a Kmfdm reference?… apostolic, alcoholic …