wastingpotential
drowning, always.
- Feb 8, 2023
- 167
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-lost-my-cats-and-im-still-not-allowed-to-cry.117636/ post from last year for context, if you wanna hear how that part of my life progressed after, feel free to find the rest of my posts.
I remember hearing something not long ago, how our brains will do anything in their power to block out certain memories as a form of protection because it knows we won't be able to handle it, but no matter what our body can remember it, and it can react as one would even if we don't remember.
Subconsciously we can remember the days, minute, second something horrific or life changing happened, no matter how long its been since the event, we can feel as depressed, sorrowful or angry as we did back then, we just wouldn't have a clue at first why our mood has suddenly changed. That along with physical pain like migraines or even chest ache.
Though my memory of almost everything that happened to me almost a year ago now is still fresh and haunting me everyday, I didn't put two and two together until i zoned out and began doodling in my old sketchbook, decided to draw two cats in a box, that it all clicked in me.
Tomorrow will be May, tomorrow will be one day closer to when i said goodbye to my babies, the day after will be exactly one year, and everyday after will be a taunting reminder that I haven't seen them since, i'll never see them again.
My life's been in shambles since, when i found out they passed I didn't spare a minute of my time when i had the energy to leave my bed all i pondered and attempted to do was leave this fucking world and join them, guilt and shame and pain eating me alive in the meantime. It never stopped, and i still haven't succeeded.
I had times where i was close to, it still wasn't enough.
I wish i could go back, cry harder in front of them and just outright refuse to leave them and exit the vet clinic, yell and scream until my throat burned harder than it did when all i consumed after was cigarettes.
I'm in so much pain, before all this i lived in spite of my abusers, specifically the ones who forced me away from my boys, but this isn't spite anymore. I'm not alive, I haven't been since this all. They have not lived a day of sorrow the day i have and i see now they never will, never will justice be served against all the pain they caused me or others, never will i not feel this form of survivors guilt that i do knowing the place i had to put them my cats in is the same place they will die.
And as i mentioned many times in all these posts of almost a year ago now, i never stopped feeling tired, i never won't be.
I remember hearing something not long ago, how our brains will do anything in their power to block out certain memories as a form of protection because it knows we won't be able to handle it, but no matter what our body can remember it, and it can react as one would even if we don't remember.
Subconsciously we can remember the days, minute, second something horrific or life changing happened, no matter how long its been since the event, we can feel as depressed, sorrowful or angry as we did back then, we just wouldn't have a clue at first why our mood has suddenly changed. That along with physical pain like migraines or even chest ache.
Though my memory of almost everything that happened to me almost a year ago now is still fresh and haunting me everyday, I didn't put two and two together until i zoned out and began doodling in my old sketchbook, decided to draw two cats in a box, that it all clicked in me.
Tomorrow will be May, tomorrow will be one day closer to when i said goodbye to my babies, the day after will be exactly one year, and everyday after will be a taunting reminder that I haven't seen them since, i'll never see them again.
My life's been in shambles since, when i found out they passed I didn't spare a minute of my time when i had the energy to leave my bed all i pondered and attempted to do was leave this fucking world and join them, guilt and shame and pain eating me alive in the meantime. It never stopped, and i still haven't succeeded.
I had times where i was close to, it still wasn't enough.
I wish i could go back, cry harder in front of them and just outright refuse to leave them and exit the vet clinic, yell and scream until my throat burned harder than it did when all i consumed after was cigarettes.
I'm in so much pain, before all this i lived in spite of my abusers, specifically the ones who forced me away from my boys, but this isn't spite anymore. I'm not alive, I haven't been since this all. They have not lived a day of sorrow the day i have and i see now they never will, never will justice be served against all the pain they caused me or others, never will i not feel this form of survivors guilt that i do knowing the place i had to put them my cats in is the same place they will die.
And as i mentioned many times in all these posts of almost a year ago now, i never stopped feeling tired, i never won't be.
