Aging isn't that bad

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

If you're anything like me, you probably didn't think you would get this far. I was destined to die at 17, then at 21, then at 25, then at 30, and then at 35. I will be 37 in a month or so and I have finally accepted that I'm not dying any time soon (most likely). We all grow up with preconceived notions of what growing up and growing older means. Women in particular are taught that over the age of 30 (give or take), we've exceeded our shelf life. It's not uncommon for me to skim the forums here and see young people say they want to ctb before the age of 25. And they may very well have their own reasons for feeling that way. But I would like to offer another perspective.

I've officially exceeded my shelf life. I am much closer to 40 than I am to 20. My body is showing signs of wear and tear, no sense denying that. Some days, I'm crushing it. Other days I'm driving a Ford Pinto (IYKYK). My main beef with my body is that random aches and pains show up for no reason. I don't tolerate heat as well as I used to, and I have a lot more GI symptoms. None of this makes for a good time.

But here are the positives.

I look pretty good. I don't use Botox or fillers or anything like that (but it's okay if you do!)
I'm much less shy about trying things that I've never tried or that I'm not good at. If I never make the effort, I'll never be good.
My thinking is a lot clearer and my imagination has never been better.
I've more or less abandoned the idea that life has a timeline. I mean, if you want to get pregnant, you should probably do that before 35, but a healthy, natural pregnancy is still possible until menopause. Other than that, go become a doctor and buy a house in your 60s. It's your life.

Even the physical drawbacks can be worked around. Being in decent shape in general, OTC medications, etc all make a big difference. And ultimately, we all have limits and you need to know yours. Another benefit of getting older. Recognizing your limits and standing up for your needs gets a lot easier.

Of course, I haven't hit menopause yet. That might make this entire post a moot point. I guess I'll find out in about 5-10 years. Meanwhile, I'm off to travel!

 

[bagel12]

If you're anything like me, you probably didn't think you would get this far. I was destined to die at 17, then at 21, then at 25, then at 30, and then at 35. I will be 37 in a month or so and I have finally accepted that I'm not dying any time soon (most likely). We all grow up with preconceived notions of what growing up and growing older means. Women in particular are taught that over the age of 30 (give or take), we've exceeded our shelf life. It's not uncommon for me to skim the forums here and see young people say they want to ctb before the age of 25. And they may very well have their own reasons for feeling that way. But I would like to offer another perspective.

I've officially exceeded my shelf life. I am much closer to 40 than I am to 20. My body is showing signs of wear and tear, no sense denying that. Some days, I'm crushing it. Other days I'm driving a Ford Pinto (IYKYK). My main beef with my body is that random aches and pains show up for no reason. I don't tolerate heat as well as I used to, and I have a lot more GI symptoms. None of this makes for a good time.

But here are the positives.

I look pretty good. I don't use Botox or fillers or anything like that (but it's okay if you do!)
I'm much less shy about trying things that I've never tried or that I'm not good at. If I never make the effort, I'll never be good.
My thinking is a lot clearer and my imagination has never been better.
I've more or less abandoned the idea that life has a timeline. I mean, if you want to get pregnant, you should probably do that before 35, but a healthy, natural pregnancy is still possible until menopause. Other than that, go become a doctor and buy a house in your 60s. It's your life.

Even the physical drawbacks can be worked around. Being in decent shape in general, OTC medications, etc all make a big difference. And ultimately, we all have limits and you need to know yours. Another benefit of getting older. Recognizing your limits and standing up for your needs gets a lot easier.

Of course, I haven't hit menopause yet. That might make this entire post a moot point. I guess I'll find out in about 5-10 years. Meanwhile, I'm off to travel!

thank you so much for your perspective i always appreciate advice from people who have lived longer than me. in general, the people i talk to who are older than me seem to be more confident, content, and wise than most people my age. i really admire that. it makes me hope that if i can stick it out a while longer, maybe my mind and emotions will eventually settle. plus i'd be able to enjoy more money lol.

if it's ok for me to ask (it's completely ok if you don't answer), what brings you a sense of meaning in life? and how do you navigate all of life's tasks? i can do some things very well. but when it comes to the practical life tasks needed to stay alive, fed, and housed, i get overwhelmed. it is a lot of complicated and unintuitive things to juggle, and i already struggle with basic things like remembering to eat or sleep.

i'm glad that you're traveling, have fun!

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

thank you so much for your perspective i always appreciate advice from people who have lived longer than me. in general, the people i talk to who are older than me seem to be more confident, content, and wise than most people my age. i really admire that. it makes me hope that if i can stick it out a while longer, maybe my mind and emotions will eventually settle. plus i'd be able to enjoy more money lol.

if it's ok for me to ask (it's completely ok if you don't answer), what brings you a sense of meaning in life? and how do you navigate all of life's tasks? i can do some things very well. but when it comes to the practical life tasks needed to stay alive, fed, and housed, i get overwhelmed. it is a lot of complicated and unintuitive things to juggle, and i already struggle with basic things like remembering to eat or sleep.

i'm glad that you're traveling, have fun!

I'm so excited to answer this! But I just got off the overnight and I need to nap first

But yes, stick it out. One of the two things will happen. Life with either suck less. Or life will suck just as much, but your ability to deal with the BS and enjoy life gets way better.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

thank you so much for your perspective i always appreciate advice from people who have lived longer than me. in general, the people i talk to who are older than me seem to be more confident, content, and wise than most people my age. i really admire that. it makes me hope that if i can stick it out a while longer, maybe my mind and emotions will eventually settle. plus i'd be able to enjoy more money lol.

if it's ok for me to ask (it's completely ok if you don't answer), what brings you a sense of meaning in life? and how do you navigate all of life's tasks? i can do some things very well. but when it comes to the practical life tasks needed to stay alive, fed, and housed, i get overwhelmed. it is a lot of complicated and unintuitive things to juggle, and i already struggle with basic things like remembering to eat or sleep.

i'm glad that you're traveling, have fun!

Okay, so...context. I juggle three jobs, I have two kitties, including a special needs senior kitty. I care for my parents part-time and I do gymnastics. Plus I have a chronic illness. How did I do it all?

Often I don't. I neglect things for months until they hit crisis level. Or even better, I turn a situation that's no big deal and make it a crisis. I wouldn't be on a site like this if I had it all together, after all. So the best way to describe my approach to life is harm reduction. I take care of the most important stuff first and I don't try to do too much at once. I utilize my therapist, my lawyer, anyone and everyone that can help. I have FMLA at work. And I get really creative with my problem solving.

Here's the most important part. I don't stop basic self care, and I don't stop doing fun things just because I screwed up and I'm having a hard time. And again, with my condition, self-care doesn't always happen. I can go months without taking out the trash or brushing my teeth. So when I'm well, I make a list of the most important self care stuff to do when I'm just barely making it. Can't shower every other day? Shower twice a week and use dry shampoos. Always take medication as prescribed. Brush teeth once a day if you can't do it twice. Things like that.

And since I'm constantly on the go, I even packed a bag with every supply you can think of. All my medications are in their own bag in the car. All of my self care products-deodorant, toothbrush, etc-have their own bag in the car. My supplies are always with me so I am never trapped. It DOES however give me an excuse to collect backpacks, accessories, etc. I love journaling. I do my budget once a week. I love writing down checklists. I have a collection of my favorite journals and pens. I even have stickers. I try to make this fun.

As far as fun, I can't encourage everyone to do this, but I have been known to take my last $50 for the week and spend it on a gymnastics class. By the end of that class, whatever problems I have, I will have a plan of action and tons of confidence to take it on. Last year, I had to rent a car and they wouldn't accept my form of payment. I took an Uber to the rental place so I was pretty much stranded and had no other money but the form of payment they refused to take. So I stood there about to go apeshit until I had an idea. I'm getting my hair cut and I'm getting it cut flapper style. Me crashing out and refusing to do good things for myself won't force this rental place to take my credit card, so I may as well get my hair done and chill out while I think it through. Lol and behold, I solved my problem with my head in the sink and I had a rental car by noon. And got lots of compliments. Unlike a lot of people in our culture, I don't see fun and a sense of identity as luxuries to aspire to, but necessities in the here and now.

Last piece of advice. No amount of thinking or planning is a substitute for doing. Sometimes you have to stop thinking, close the journal, and just trust that you know what you're doing. And just do it. You will either succeed...and you will have a funny story after.

I get my sense of purpose from my spiritual beliefs, like a lot of people, but I also get a sense of purpose from learning more about those beliefs and forming new ones. I see my purpose in my relationship with others, person and animal. I even see purpose in a relationship with myself. I want to get to know this person and give her a chance and no one else can do that but me. Any time I can do an act of service in this world, I get purpose from that, whether it's at my job or a stranger on the other side of the world. My purpose is to exist and to experience this planet. It's a big and beautiful planet and I want to explore it. Sometimes, I even view spite as my purpose. I'm not about to die while other truly evil people get to live long lives. Hell no.

I guess I'll stop there. I don't want to overwhelm you, but feel free to message me with any questions or concerns you have. Chances are, I've seen it, heard it, or done it.

PS I went to a powwow last weekend and I'm going to gymnastics camp this weekend. I want to hit a museum, the White Mountains, and some beaches during the summer. Then I'm going to Salem for Halloween.

 

[bagel12]

it means a lot to me that you took the time to type this out, i read every word. i will be thinking about your comment for a long time. i really appreciate your kind words and advice. this may sound strange, but when i see advice for "regular" people who want to succeed or feel better, it feels like it doesn't apply to me, that it wouldn't work for me. but i read your advice, where you create a meaningful and enjoyable life while juggling chronic illness and so many responsibilities, and it makes me feel hopeful, like maybe i could live an enjoyable life too. so i want to thank you for this :)

Often I don't. I neglect things for months until they hit crisis level. Or even better, I turn a situation that's no big deal and make it a crisis. I wouldn't be on a site like this if I had it all together, after all. So the best way to describe my approach to life is harm reduction. I take care of the most important stuff first and I don't try to do too much at once. I utilize my therapist, my lawyer, anyone and everyone that can help. I have FMLA at work. And I get really creative with my problem solving.

i really relate to neglecting things for months, eventually turning a situation into a crisis, when it would have been completely fine if i didn't neglect it. if it's ok for me to ask, if you're avoiding/neglecting something, how do you get yourself to do it eventually? i feel a lot of shame and guilt for avoiding important things, especially when it affects or inconveniences others.

i like what you said about harm reduction. sometimes i get upset when i don't meet my own expectations. but through the lens of harm reduction, i can acknowledge that i struggle with some things, but i can take action to reduce the negative impacts these struggles have on my life :) i will try to adopt this mindset going forward. also, i really like what you mentioned about utilizing other people who can help. i feel ashamed telling people in my life about the problems i am facing, but i will try to work through this, because that support seems really important.

I don't stop doing fun things just because I screwed up and I'm having a hard time.

i really appreciate this insight! sometimes i don't let myself do fun things if i messed up. but when i reflect on it, it's kind of cruel to treat myself that way, and it doesn't make things any better.

i like your idea of using fun pens and stickers for journaling, budgets and checklists :D i will try this today! i recently started listening to music while i brush my teeth, and it makes me a little more consistent with brushing my teeth because it's more fun now. also i try to make cleaning into a game. this time i pretended to be a sports announcer excitedly describing everything i was doing, last time i made a game out of counting how many blue items i could pick up in 15 minutes. it is still very difficult for me to take medication consistently or keep up regular appointments with my psychiatrist, but hopefully that will be the next thing i work on :)

i love your story about solving the rental car problem while getting a flapper haircut! going to a completely different setting and mindset really helps with creative problem solving, and i bet it was an awesome haircut!

Last piece of advice. No amount of thinking or planning is a substitute for doing. Sometimes you have to stop thinking, close the journal, and just trust that you know what you're doing. And just do it. You will either succeed...and you will have a funny story after.

i really appreciate this advice, one of my main problems is thinking about things a lot, but not actually doing it. i think my issue is that i really don't trust that i know what i'm doing, and i get overwhelmed. i have a very hard time making myself do things. i like the mindset of, either you succeed or you have a funny story after, it lowers the stakes :)

I get my sense of purpose from my spiritual beliefs, like a lot of people, but I also get a sense of purpose from learning more about those beliefs and forming new ones. I see my purpose in my relationship with others, person and animal. I even see purpose in a relationship with myself. I want to get to know this person and give her a chance and no one else can do that but me. Any time I can do an act of service in this world, I get purpose from that, whether it's at my job or a stranger on the other side of the world. My purpose is to exist and to experience this planet. It's a big and beautiful planet and I want to explore it. Sometimes, I even view spite as my purpose. I'm not about to die while other truly evil people get to live long lives. Hell no.

i really really love this this paragraph, thank you for sharing your thoughts. i see a lot of the ways that i used to derive a sense of meaning here: in relationship with myself, in relationship with others, and in relationship with nature. but lately i have been very disconnected from these sources of meaning, because i've been hiding away from the world and isolating myself from others, out of shame for how badly i've been feeling and how nonfunctional i've been. right now i definitely relate to living out of spite, there are some very evil people i want to outlive. i often feel pessimistic about the future, but i have curiosity for what will happen next, and that keeps me going too.

i really like the idea of viewing myself as someone i can get to know and give a chance to, i've never thought of things that way. i would like to view myself and treat myself that way. right now i mostly view myself as someone who keeps messing everything up, it's not a kind way to view myself, and i would never view others that way. i hope i can climb out of the hole i've been in, start feeling like a human again, and reconnect with the sources of meaning you mentioned in your comment (engaging with others and with the world again). it feels so overwhelming to figure out, let alone execute, but i sincerely hope i can get there eventually.

thank you so much for writing all of this down and being so open, i really enjoyed reading your comment. gymnastics camp sounds so cool, have fun! it is badass to do gymnastics as an adult, i can't even figure out how to do a cartwheel! i hope you enjoy the white mountains, i've heard they're breathtaking! and please give your cats a scritch behind the ears for me :)

 

[venerated-vader]

Me crashing out and refusing to do good things for myself won't force this rental place to take my credit card, so I may as well get my hair done and chill out while I think it through. Lol and behold, I solved my problem with my head in the sink and I had a rental car by noon. And got lots of compliments. Unlike a lot of people in our culture, I don't see fun and a sense of identity as luxuries to aspire to, but necessities in the here and now.

This is such an important thing that I greatly subscribe to. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I think aging is pretty cool, honestly. I've been exercising, lost weight, and am doing better now physically than I have to this point, even in my 20s... minus the back pain and the eye issues lol. I'm eagerly waiting for the day I get some gray hair so I can call myself debonaire lmao.

Also, idk how you feel about it, but I don't subscribe to the idea of regret. I can't go back and change my mistakes, or alter the flow of time just so I can get what I want. I can move forward from where I am now, and learn from the past so I can make my future something perhaps a little less miserable than I seem to think it'll be!

 

[BradGuy123]

thank you so much for your perspective i always appreciate advice from people who have lived longer than me. in general, the people i talk to who are older than me seem to be more confident, content, and wise than most people my age.

I'm middle aged. I am definitely more confident, content, and wise than I was when I was younger. It has to do with life experience. When bad things happen many times I have dealt with similar things before and that makes it easier to deal with. I'm not saying horrible things like loss of a job, death of a family member, a bad health diagnosis, etc. are easy. I'm saying minor bad things are easier to deal with. It's hard to put into words.

 

[venerated-vader]

I'm middle aged. I am definitely more confident, content, and wise than I was when I was younger. It has to do with life experience. When bad things happen many times I have dealt with similar things before and that makes it easier to deal with. I'm not saying horrible things like loss of a job, death of a family member, a bad health diagnosis, etc. are easy. I'm saying minor bad things are easier to deal with. It's hard to put into words.

No you're so right. The more experience in life a person has, the easier it can be to deal with small obstacles. Because nine times out of then you've dealt with something like that (or the same thing) before, and you made it through. It's like an infant crying because they're tired, and an adult who just moans and groans, but goes to work anyway. Suffering and the size of an obstacle in a person's perspective is relative to the person in question of course, but the basic notion stands!

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

it means a lot to me that you took the time to type this out, i read every word. i will be thinking about your comment for a long time. i really appreciate your kind words and advice. this may sound strange, but when i see advice for "regular" people who want to succeed or feel better, it feels like it doesn't apply to me, that it wouldn't work for me. but i read your advice, where you create a meaningful and enjoyable life while juggling chronic illness and so many responsibilities, and it makes me feel hopeful, like maybe i could live an enjoyable life too. so i want to thank you for this :)



i really relate to neglecting things for months, eventually turning a situation into a crisis, when it would have been completely fine if i didn't neglect it. if it's ok for me to ask, if you're avoiding/neglecting something, how do you get yourself to do it eventually? i feel a lot of shame and guilt for avoiding important things, especially when it affects or inconveniences others.

i like what you said about harm reduction. sometimes i get upset when i don't meet my own expectations. but through the lens of harm reduction, i can acknowledge that i struggle with some things, but i can take action to reduce the negative impacts these struggles have on my life :) i will try to adopt this mindset going forward. also, i really like what you mentioned about utilizing other people who can help. i feel ashamed telling people in my life about the problems i am facing, but i will try to work through this, because that support seems really important.



i really appreciate this insight! sometimes i don't let myself do fun things if i messed up. but when i reflect on it, it's kind of cruel to treat myself that way, and it doesn't make things any better.

i like your idea of using fun pens and stickers for journaling, budgets and checklists :D i will try this today! i recently started listening to music while i brush my teeth, and it makes me a little more consistent with brushing my teeth because it's more fun now. also i try to make cleaning into a game. this time i pretended to be a sports announcer excitedly describing everything i was doing, last time i made a game out of counting how many blue items i could pick up in 15 minutes. it is still very difficult for me to take medication consistently or keep up regular appointments with my psychiatrist, but hopefully that will be the next thing i work on :)

i love your story about solving the rental car problem while getting a flapper haircut! going to a completely different setting and mindset really helps with creative problem solving, and i bet it was an awesome haircut!



i really appreciate this advice, one of my main problems is thinking about things a lot, but not actually doing it. i think my issue is that i really don't trust that i know what i'm doing, and i get overwhelmed. i have a very hard time making myself do things. i like the mindset of, either you succeed or you have a funny story after, it lowers the stakes :)


i really really love this this paragraph, thank you for sharing your thoughts. i see a lot of the ways that i used to derive a sense of meaning here: in relationship with myself, in relationship with others, and in relationship with nature. but lately i have been very disconnected from these sources of meaning, because i've been hiding away from the world and isolating myself from others, out of shame for how badly i've been feeling and how nonfunctional i've been. right now i definitely relate to living out of spite, there are some very evil people i want to outlive. i often feel pessimistic about the future, but i have curiosity for what will happen next, and that keeps me going too.

i really like the idea of viewing myself as someone i can get to know and give a chance to, i've never thought of things that way. i would like to view myself and treat myself that way. right now i mostly view myself as someone who keeps messing everything up, it's not a kind way to view myself, and i would never view others that way. i hope i can climb out of the hole i've been in, start feeling like a human again, and reconnect with the sources of meaning you mentioned in your comment (engaging with others and with the world again). it feels so overwhelming to figure out, let alone execute, but i sincerely hope i can get there eventually.

thank you so much for writing all of this down and being so open, i really enjoyed reading your comment. gymnastics camp sounds so cool, have fun! it is badass to do gymnastics as an adult, i can't even figure out how to do a cartwheel! i hope you enjoy the white mountains, i've heard they're breathtaking! and please give your cats a scritch behind the ears for me :)

So excited to respond to this, and I'm so glad I could help. How old are you now?

 

[bagel12]

This is such an important thing that I greatly subscribe to. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I think aging is pretty cool, honestly. I've been exercising, lost weight, and am doing better now physically than I have to this point, even in my 20s... minus the back pain and the eye issues lol. I'm eagerly waiting for the day I get some gray hair so I can call myself debonaire lmao.

Also, idk how you feel about it, but I don't subscribe to the idea of regret. I can't go back and change my mistakes, or alter the flow of time just so I can get what I want. I can move forward from where I am now, and learn from the past so I can make my future something perhaps a little less miserable than I seem to think it'll be!

you're going to look so cool and sophisticated with gray hair!! i'm young and i really look forward to getting gray hair when i'm older. i really admire your perspective on learning from the past and moving forward instead of wallowing in regret. sometimes i beat myself up for my mistakes, so this is a skill i really hope to improve.

I'm middle aged. I am definitely more confident, content, and wise than I was when I was younger. It has to do with life experience. When bad things happen many times I have dealt with similar things before and that makes it easier to deal with. I'm not saying horrible things like loss of a job, death of a family member, a bad health diagnosis, etc. are easy. I'm saying minor bad things are easier to deal with. It's hard to put into words.

i am so happy to hear this, and i hope i will feel similarly as time passes! this makes sense to me--the more experience you have, the more trust you have in your ability to handle new situations, because you've been through difficult things before. this is something i really look forward to when it comes to aging. i feel like society romanticizes the novelty of youth, but it sucks not having past experience to draw on in times of hardship. sometimes i truly don't know how to handle difficult things, or if i even will be able to handle it. i am happy to hear that this gets easier as one gets older.

So excited to respond to this, and I'm so glad I could help. How old are you now?

thank you, that is very kind of you :) i am in my early 20s

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

This is such an important thing that I greatly subscribe to. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I think aging is pretty cool, honestly. I've been exercising, lost weight, and am doing better now physically than I have to this point, even in my 20s... minus the back pain and the eye issues lol. I'm eagerly waiting for the day I get some gray hair so I can call myself debonaire lmao.

Also, idk how you feel about it, but I don't subscribe to the idea of regret. I can't go back and change my mistakes, or alter the flow of time just so I can get what I want. I can move forward from where I am now, and learn from the past so I can make my future something perhaps a little less miserable than I seem to think it'll be!

My main physical complaints are ribs that feel crushed and a knee and femur that randomly crumble under my weight. So safe for gymnastics.

One thing I have learned is not to punish yourself for lessons only time could teach you.

I'm middle aged. I am definitely more confident, content, and wise than I was when I was younger. It has to do with life experience. When bad things happen many times I have dealt with similar things before and that makes it easier to deal with. I'm not saying horrible things like loss of a job, death of a family member, a bad health diagnosis, etc. are easy. I'm saying minor bad things are easier to deal with. It's hard to put into words.

You get lots of practice and you realize that at the end of every shit show...you survived. You didn't die. The world kept turning. At least that's my takeaway.