Advice please

[dredd1981]

Yeah I was trying to 'place' you OP since you referred to yourself as an ex 'cop' but then mentioned Boxing Night which so far as I'm aware is a British thing. Sorry, this comment is irrelevant but I'm slightly nerdy about Brit v American English, culture and so forth. Many Americans have a habit of assuming everyone is American haha. They therefore won't tend to notice things like 'boxing night' never having heard of them. The word 'cop' or 'copper' is sometimes used here but less universally than in the States.

I'll go away now.

Totally loved this too.

Yeah I'm in the UK, living in Northern Ireland, so cops get guns here so as an ex cop I was able to retain one……..it's a gods damned shame I beefed it with the gun so now I'm having to look at SN etc

 

[freedompass]

Ah gotcha. Ctb by gunshot is gory and violent as fuck. Like you say 'eating' the gun, you need balls of steel for that shit. Or be drunk, drugged, impulsive, plain desperate, honestly I dunno but I know I could never do it. I'd be highly likely to mess it up, misfire the gun and survive as the Elephant Man. Truth to tell OP there is no easy way. SN is the least worst option if you can't get N (which most can't or don't). Doesn't mean it's in any way a pleasant prospect. Lately, to be honest, I find myself thinking about how to survive old age in the event that I have to. Knowing myself, knowing how survival instinct works and how it's almost invariably 'easier' to go on existing however shitty it may be, I honestly can't say for sure if I'll go by ctb or 'natural causes'.

It's a shit show. I empathise with your situation and hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[dredd1981]

Ah gotcha. Ctb by gunshot is gory and violent as fuck. Like you say 'eating' the gun, you need balls of steel for that shit. Or be drunk, drugged, impulsive, plain desperate, honestly I dunno but I know I could never do it. I'd be highly likely to mess it up, misfire the gun and survive as the Elephant Man. Truth to tell OP there is no easy way. SN is the least worst option if you can't get N (which most can't or don't). Doesn't mean it's in any way a pleasant prospect. Lately, to be honest, I find myself thinking about how to survive old age in the event that I have to. Knowing myself, knowing how survival instinct works and how it's almost invariably 'easier' to go on existing however shitty it may be, I honestly can't say for sure if I'll go by ctb or 'natural causes'.

It's a shit show. I empathise with your situation and hope you find what you're looking for.

Thanks man. I watched a video of a girl who ctb from SN. The video is pretty heavily edited but she filmed it herself and showed her hands because the tips of her fingers were starting to turn blue. I'm pretty sure seeing that would freak me out enough for SI to kick in, no matter what meds I took to help calm me.
So I'm kinda pinning my hopes on getting something nasty like cancer to finish me off since I have already proven that I don't have the stones to deliver……but no doubt the universe will keep me alive for as long as possible just so it can savour my despair at this pointless existence. Part of me holes reincarnation is a thing so I can start fresh….but the other part of me hopes it isn't because, let's face it, who wants to go through this shit again?

 

[freedompass]

quadraspazed

Thanks for this too

Thanks man. I watched a video of a girl who ctb from SN. The video is pretty heavily edited but she filmed it herself and showed her hands because the tips of her fingers were starting to turn blue. I'm pretty sure seeing that would freak me out enough for SI to kick in, no matter what meds I took to help calm me.
So I'm kinda pinning my hopes on getting something nasty like cancer to finish me off since I have already proven that I don't have the stones to deliver……but no doubt the universe will keep me alive for as long as possible just so it can savour my despair at this pointless existence. Part of me holes reincarnation is a thing so I can start fresh….but the other part of me hopes it isn't because, let's face it, who wants to go through this shit again?

Oh god reincarnation is one of my worst fears. I don't care how 'advantageous' a life you are born into. I've had my aversion therapy from this planet and don't want to return under any circumstances. I'm kinda a believer in multiple dimensions as someone with bipolar mania/psychosis. Truly is amazing what the human mind can produce. Whether it's just a projection of itself, who knows. I can definitely envisage other realities than this shitty messed up earth plane with its disgusting 'food chain'. Nature is a fucking disgrace! So yes I'm up for some kind of way pleasanter afterlife but if there's nothing, that's perfectly fine too.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

After my failed attempt I began to wish I'd get cancer, still wish I'd get it, would save me the trouble. I used to work with a guy who was in his early 40's and died a couple of years ago from throat cancer. Was diagnosed at the start of February and by the end of the month he was dead. Used to worry something like that would happen to me but now I'd see it as a blessing. It's funny how fucked up your mind gets

I contradict myself a lot, because right now I'd see it as a blessing too. It's like there's 2 of me; 1 that hopes this chronic pain will reduce so I can continue with my plans, and 1 that would welcome the certainty of terminal cancer - 3 months of daily Oxy, Cocaine, Xanax, Bailey's and junk food, then inevitable, 100% inescapable death, sounds relieving! I imagine walking out the doctor's surgery with a big smile on my face, popping an 80mg Oxy, going straight to McDonald's, then cutting up a fat line of sniff, knowing i have nothing more to worry about!