A strange desire to tell my friends/guilt over how it'll affect them

[skyunderthesea]

This is mainly about one specific friend (lets call him Jay) but it can be extrapolated to various degrees to other friends I may have. Me and Jay have a strange history together. He used to absolutely torment me but had a genuine change of heart and now we're super close. I've told him a lot of awful things that happened to me. I've told him that I feel suicidal but made sure to say I was too much of a coward to ever go through with it. Some strange manifestation of SI has me wanting to say in much more specific terms that I plan on ending my own life soon, that I'm gonna hang myself in the forest. I know that he's gonna take it rough when I do, given he's said that it's his own personal mission to make me as happy as he his. I know he isn't equipped to deal with how fucked up I am but still I feel a strong desire to tell him. I wish I had any easy way to fix myself and fix my life but I just don't and I just want it all to stop. I want to figure out some roundabout way to tell him that this is for the best and that he should just be happy I'm not miserable anymore. I feel bad that he'll definitely beat himself up over everything he could've done to save me or fix me or whatever. But overall, it's easier for everyone if I'm a tragic story rather than a depressing reality.

 

[lost&lovesick]

This is mainly about one specific friend (lets call him Jay) but it can be extrapolated to various degrees to other friends I may have. Me and Jay have a strange history together. He used to absolutely torment me but had a genuine change of heart and now we're super close. I've told him a lot of awful things that happened to me. I've told him that I feel suicidal but made sure to say I was too much of a coward to ever go through with it. Some strange manifestation of SI has me wanting to say in much more specific terms that I plan on ending my own life soon, that I'm gonna hang myself in the forest. I know that he's gonna take it rough when I do, given he's said that it's his own personal mission to make me as happy as he his. I know he isn't equipped to deal with how fucked up I am but still I feel a strong desire to tell him. I wish I had any easy way to fix myself and fix my life but I just don't and I just want it all to stop. I want to figure out some roundabout way to tell him that this is for the best and that he should just be happy I'm not miserable anymore. I feel bad that he'll definitely beat himself up over everything he could've done to save me or fix me or whatever. But overall, it's easier for everyone if I'm a tragic story rather than a depressing reality.

I've had similar thoughts. I think it's natural to want to pull people you're close to into your world, but you have to be careful since you know he'll probably beat himself up about it. If his goal is to 'make you as happy as he is', he might try to 'save' you, which could create a lot of problems. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace and a way to let him know if that's something you want to do.