This thread won't deliver what the tite is suggesting. It will be a long ramble. I have a headache I lack sleep.
So a lot happened within the last days. I won't explain everything in this thread. It would be simply too much.
I text with a female PhD candidate. We had a match on a dating app. And on paper she is an extremely interesting woman. Especially in comparison to my usual dating app matches. I have sleep issues. I noticed the match late at night. And I felt pressured to send a message as early as possible. Otherwise the likelihood decreases. I had time pressure at night which really is not good for my well-being and sleep. I put a lot of effort into it. She texted back. I texted back. FInally went to sleep. Thus far she only texts me quite late in the evening. And also only short messages. I am a heavy texter. There are many explanations for that. I heard PhD candidates are treated like slaves. But I have doubts whether that's the sole reason. I think she isn't that interested in me. She also looks really good and women can choose between so many men on dating apps. The really interesting thing is she is also neurodivergent. And some other really good indicators for a good chemistry. But for now the texting is quite disappointing. I could imagine a person that lives life on the fast line had a hard time to imagine how it is like in my shoes. Maybe this is copium. Maybe this is a bias mixed with copium. I had the best chemistry with neurodivergent women. About our chemistry I am not all that sure. But maybe I don't have enough data to draw conclusions. I think something that bugs me our conversation consists of superficial talk on certain topics. I I have a heard tim eto grasp that someone can be really smart but not at the same time very deep. I think this is causing cognitive dissonance in me. On the other hand I lack data to draw such a conclusion which would be the bias of jumping to conclusions.
Today I visited my dad. And damn this was stressful. The travelling the conversation was okay. He is going through major depression and he is sort of a mental wreck. And honestly he isn't all that cooperative when it comes to help and therapy. And I have a hard time to deal with that. I think his attititude isn't good. I explained him a couple of times the problems won't go away if he does nothing. They will become a lot worse instead. And he finds a lot of excuses for not taking his medication. Which is a total disaster because inevitably he will have severe withdrawal symptoms. This is already happening. I explained it to him a couple times. He doesn't want to hear it. He is ignoring it. I am not sure whether he is hiding reasons. Clinics don't want him anymore because he isn't cooperative. So I read his clinic report. And it seems like he was really suicidal. And so much of what I read reminded me of me. He prepared for hanging and even tried it (?). I think this was his first method. And well dad my first approaches to suicide were also hanging. But I tried partial hanging. I am not exactly sure what he means with he tried it. Personally, I tried partial as the first approach to suicide but I also stood at the 7th floor of a building years ago. Is this a coincidence? But I see many parallels with me and my dad. We are highly neurotic especially when depressed. As teenager I did many inappropriate dark humor jokes to cope with my pain. Things I would not joke about today. But it wasn't my actual position. I can remember when I was a child and I played with my dad Fifa on my video game console he made fun of Robert Enke. The first suicide that got my attention by massive media coverage. When I was suicidal my dad told me things like only idiots commit suicide. Or when I told him that David Foster Wallace committed suicide an author I really really like my dad told me: He could not be that smart if he committed suicide.
Honestly, the thing I don't understand. I made cringe, edgy jokes about a lot of things as teenager. Not primarily about suicide though. But I can remember people on here discussed this. A German pilot intentionally crashed a plane full of passengers. I am not sure what I joked as student. We did a trip as class with the plane. I know I joked something really inappropriate. If I had to guess I would say I joked I hope this happens to all of us. And when I am on it I make a video sittting in the plane making jokes about the fact that we were all dying. This pissed someone off. There was also the German comedian Jan Böhmermann (who I cannot stand anymore, not because of his edgy jokes he has become an activist and did investigative comedy and a lot of shallow content and often only for a grab for attention). He also did a punchline about this crash and asked "Too early?". This was very shortly after the crash. I know this so well because I reconstructed these weeks and 2 years very precisely to understand what happened prior to my psychosis. You know but my dad did these jokes when I was a child. And from what other people told me he went through a major depressive episode earlier. Wasn't that a lesson for him? Honestly, I think my dad is sort of moron. I might be similarly ignorant on some issues (e.g my relation to science) but not as much as him. And I think his take as adult people who commit suicide cannot be that smart. Like holy shit. But there are so many stories about my dad. He didn't believe I had a psychosis for quite some years. He blamed that on my fantasy and I read too much bullshit on the internet. He realized it when he witnessed my sister in her psychosis. Moreover, I told him really really often I mean it seriously with suicide. I explained him all of it a couple of times. But when I actually bought something lethal on the internet 2024. And I could not hide my almost attempt in front of him. He told me he would have never expected I was serious with suicide. And he always considered it just talk about suicidal ideation. And I emphasized often to him this is not the case. Maybe I am also making the mistake not to take his sucidality as serious as I should. But I am not that sure. I was stunned reading it. But I wasn't shocked. He made jokes about it when I read it.
We talked about suicide shortly. And he said something like if there wasn't the chance he might survive attempting suicide it wasn't that difficult for him. And dad this is exactly my biggest fear. I don't think he knows that. My personal conclusion is hanging is not the right method for me. But this has a lot to do with my considerations about my own suicidality. He cannot speak English. I wonder where he got the method information about hanging. There are some German websites about suicide that made me think they were created by psychopaths who enjoy explaining how to commit suicide to other people. And I don't trust them. It is a long time I searched for them. But these website left me with a really bad feeling.
The fear of permanent damage or in general to be a way worse situation afterwards this is also what kept me alive for quite some time. I think though my dad has the strategy to pretend to be dead and he hopes it will be over then. I expressed it quite often it doesn't work like that. I tried to arrange some structural help for him. Maybe he gets it. I hope or it. But it is uncertain and it could take some time. My dad has the attititude nothing really matters. And that's quite dangerous. But he will end in a lot worse situation when time passes. And I will be in trouble too. I told him I am very dysfunctional and he knows that. In many instances I am really no help and my mom has to help me really really a lot. Honestly, I fear to be in his current position in the future. Being a mental wreck and no one will be there to help me. I think a lot about suicide when this happens in the future. Especially since the welfare state in my country will get a DOGE treatment amd I will be on the chopping bloc the first. I have the feeling since my dad is in so much trouble he changed his position on politics. Earlier he shitted on unemployed people, foreigners etc. I am not sure whether the people in the clinic called him out for that. But I have the feeling he has changed in this instance. Theoretically children should help their parents. But theoretically parents should also not abuse their children which makes them a mental wreck and dysfunctional too. Well they didn't think this through. And something I am really angry about. I saw pictures of my dad with me when we were way younger. Why have you procreated? You went through a major depression, you were a mental wreck, you were suicidal and still you decided to procreate? And then despite all the mental conditions spreading in my family you didn't intervene when my mom was abusing me for over a decade. And all you did was looking away. And until today you pretend you never witnessed it. My grandma who died this year claimed the same. And both of them lied.
Make of this what you will. I need to rest. The female PhD candidate hasn't texted thus far. This could really make me sad. I get my hopes up in dating way too much. Especially when I am emotionally very invested. Funny thing I saw someone on dating app explaining one of her major goal in life is to make transgressional traumatas in her family to stop. And I could relate so fucking much. She was only looking for platonic friendships though.
Edit: I think a hereditary component only works in a loose sense in this context. It is not only about biology but also about a shared social evironment we grew up in. Even though I don't know that much about his childhood. He didn't experienced abuse. But I really have a bad feeling when interacting with relatives...
So a lot happened within the last days. I won't explain everything in this thread. It would be simply too much.
I text with a female PhD candidate. We had a match on a dating app. And on paper she is an extremely interesting woman. Especially in comparison to my usual dating app matches. I have sleep issues. I noticed the match late at night. And I felt pressured to send a message as early as possible. Otherwise the likelihood decreases. I had time pressure at night which really is not good for my well-being and sleep. I put a lot of effort into it. She texted back. I texted back. FInally went to sleep. Thus far she only texts me quite late in the evening. And also only short messages. I am a heavy texter. There are many explanations for that. I heard PhD candidates are treated like slaves. But I have doubts whether that's the sole reason. I think she isn't that interested in me. She also looks really good and women can choose between so many men on dating apps. The really interesting thing is she is also neurodivergent. And some other really good indicators for a good chemistry. But for now the texting is quite disappointing. I could imagine a person that lives life on the fast line had a hard time to imagine how it is like in my shoes. Maybe this is copium. Maybe this is a bias mixed with copium. I had the best chemistry with neurodivergent women. About our chemistry I am not all that sure. But maybe I don't have enough data to draw conclusions. I think something that bugs me our conversation consists of superficial talk on certain topics. I I have a heard tim eto grasp that someone can be really smart but not at the same time very deep. I think this is causing cognitive dissonance in me. On the other hand I lack data to draw such a conclusion which would be the bias of jumping to conclusions.
Today I visited my dad. And damn this was stressful. The travelling the conversation was okay. He is going through major depression and he is sort of a mental wreck. And honestly he isn't all that cooperative when it comes to help and therapy. And I have a hard time to deal with that. I think his attititude isn't good. I explained him a couple of times the problems won't go away if he does nothing. They will become a lot worse instead. And he finds a lot of excuses for not taking his medication. Which is a total disaster because inevitably he will have severe withdrawal symptoms. This is already happening. I explained it to him a couple times. He doesn't want to hear it. He is ignoring it. I am not sure whether he is hiding reasons. Clinics don't want him anymore because he isn't cooperative. So I read his clinic report. And it seems like he was really suicidal. And so much of what I read reminded me of me. He prepared for hanging and even tried it (?). I think this was his first method. And well dad my first approaches to suicide were also hanging. But I tried partial hanging. I am not exactly sure what he means with he tried it. Personally, I tried partial as the first approach to suicide but I also stood at the 7th floor of a building years ago. Is this a coincidence? But I see many parallels with me and my dad. We are highly neurotic especially when depressed. As teenager I did many inappropriate dark humor jokes to cope with my pain. Things I would not joke about today. But it wasn't my actual position. I can remember when I was a child and I played with my dad Fifa on my video game console he made fun of Robert Enke. The first suicide that got my attention by massive media coverage. When I was suicidal my dad told me things like only idiots commit suicide. Or when I told him that David Foster Wallace committed suicide an author I really really like my dad told me: He could not be that smart if he committed suicide.
Honestly, the thing I don't understand. I made cringe, edgy jokes about a lot of things as teenager. Not primarily about suicide though. But I can remember people on here discussed this. A German pilot intentionally crashed a plane full of passengers. I am not sure what I joked as student. We did a trip as class with the plane. I know I joked something really inappropriate. If I had to guess I would say I joked I hope this happens to all of us. And when I am on it I make a video sittting in the plane making jokes about the fact that we were all dying. This pissed someone off. There was also the German comedian Jan Böhmermann (who I cannot stand anymore, not because of his edgy jokes he has become an activist and did investigative comedy and a lot of shallow content and often only for a grab for attention). He also did a punchline about this crash and asked "Too early?". This was very shortly after the crash. I know this so well because I reconstructed these weeks and 2 years very precisely to understand what happened prior to my psychosis. You know but my dad did these jokes when I was a child. And from what other people told me he went through a major depressive episode earlier. Wasn't that a lesson for him? Honestly, I think my dad is sort of moron. I might be similarly ignorant on some issues (e.g my relation to science) but not as much as him. And I think his take as adult people who commit suicide cannot be that smart. Like holy shit. But there are so many stories about my dad. He didn't believe I had a psychosis for quite some years. He blamed that on my fantasy and I read too much bullshit on the internet. He realized it when he witnessed my sister in her psychosis. Moreover, I told him really really often I mean it seriously with suicide. I explained him all of it a couple of times. But when I actually bought something lethal on the internet 2024. And I could not hide my almost attempt in front of him. He told me he would have never expected I was serious with suicide. And he always considered it just talk about suicidal ideation. And I emphasized often to him this is not the case. Maybe I am also making the mistake not to take his sucidality as serious as I should. But I am not that sure. I was stunned reading it. But I wasn't shocked. He made jokes about it when I read it.
We talked about suicide shortly. And he said something like if there wasn't the chance he might survive attempting suicide it wasn't that difficult for him. And dad this is exactly my biggest fear. I don't think he knows that. My personal conclusion is hanging is not the right method for me. But this has a lot to do with my considerations about my own suicidality. He cannot speak English. I wonder where he got the method information about hanging. There are some German websites about suicide that made me think they were created by psychopaths who enjoy explaining how to commit suicide to other people. And I don't trust them. It is a long time I searched for them. But these website left me with a really bad feeling.
The fear of permanent damage or in general to be a way worse situation afterwards this is also what kept me alive for quite some time. I think though my dad has the strategy to pretend to be dead and he hopes it will be over then. I expressed it quite often it doesn't work like that. I tried to arrange some structural help for him. Maybe he gets it. I hope or it. But it is uncertain and it could take some time. My dad has the attititude nothing really matters. And that's quite dangerous. But he will end in a lot worse situation when time passes. And I will be in trouble too. I told him I am very dysfunctional and he knows that. In many instances I am really no help and my mom has to help me really really a lot. Honestly, I fear to be in his current position in the future. Being a mental wreck and no one will be there to help me. I think a lot about suicide when this happens in the future. Especially since the welfare state in my country will get a DOGE treatment amd I will be on the chopping bloc the first. I have the feeling since my dad is in so much trouble he changed his position on politics. Earlier he shitted on unemployed people, foreigners etc. I am not sure whether the people in the clinic called him out for that. But I have the feeling he has changed in this instance. Theoretically children should help their parents. But theoretically parents should also not abuse their children which makes them a mental wreck and dysfunctional too. Well they didn't think this through. And something I am really angry about. I saw pictures of my dad with me when we were way younger. Why have you procreated? You went through a major depression, you were a mental wreck, you were suicidal and still you decided to procreate? And then despite all the mental conditions spreading in my family you didn't intervene when my mom was abusing me for over a decade. And all you did was looking away. And until today you pretend you never witnessed it. My grandma who died this year claimed the same. And both of them lied.
Make of this what you will. I need to rest. The female PhD candidate hasn't texted thus far. This could really make me sad. I get my hopes up in dating way too much. Especially when I am emotionally very invested. Funny thing I saw someone on dating app explaining one of her major goal in life is to make transgressional traumatas in her family to stop. And I could relate so fucking much. She was only looking for platonic friendships though.
Edit: I think a hereditary component only works in a loose sense in this context. It is not only about biology but also about a shared social evironment we grew up in. Even though I don't know that much about his childhood. He didn't experienced abuse. But I really have a bad feeling when interacting with relatives...
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