loslassen
Nine
- Dec 8, 2023
- 198
So, hello again,
I didn't think I'd have reason to come back, but not even my own beliefs are stone cold, in the bottom I knew I'd come back at some close point.
So my suicide date passed, again, and obviously, I didn't go through with it. This is the second year in a row I fail, same date.
I guess I just don't know how to feel. I got some good news which made me want to celebrate my birthday, had good money to spend, dyed my hair, had my friends over, drank alcohol I didn't finish… it was all so healthy but it felt like I was just, not there. It's hard for me to take in things after drastic changes, I had been spending the last 4 weeks writing my suicide letters thoroughly, but I didn't finish writing them all, and I guess that would explain why I felt kind of numb after my one chance of closure got thrown off the window with… good news. I the torture of living still pains me, I've been ignoring new symptoms of my chronic illness given the positivity and fun and planning and food and cake, the hangouts with friends. But I feel kind of disconnected, like the way the pain and hurt was snatched from me also took something else with it. I don't assimilate having failed my suicide date, having not even tried, not even coming close to a cord in the last month. I don't know what's best for me any longer, and after my birthday passed… nothing happened. Things haven't bettered but they certainly haven't worsened, however they are bound to, and I have responsibilities over my pets to solve which are kind of stressing me out. This is mostly me rambling it all our, because I'm looking for compassion, it's not something I can bring up at the dinner table, specially not with the very people who celebrated one more year of my existence and breath. Specially not to the very people I planned to break who's hearts in exchange of putting mine to rest from its own heartbreak.
It hurts, and I've been wanting to cry but I don't manage to and I don't know why, it hurts to be alive still yet I take it in and I'm, alive, aware.
If you feel this way, I feel you, thank you for reading, never stop looking for what feels best, we all deserve to feel good.
I didn't think I'd have reason to come back, but not even my own beliefs are stone cold, in the bottom I knew I'd come back at some close point.
So my suicide date passed, again, and obviously, I didn't go through with it. This is the second year in a row I fail, same date.
I guess I just don't know how to feel. I got some good news which made me want to celebrate my birthday, had good money to spend, dyed my hair, had my friends over, drank alcohol I didn't finish… it was all so healthy but it felt like I was just, not there. It's hard for me to take in things after drastic changes, I had been spending the last 4 weeks writing my suicide letters thoroughly, but I didn't finish writing them all, and I guess that would explain why I felt kind of numb after my one chance of closure got thrown off the window with… good news. I the torture of living still pains me, I've been ignoring new symptoms of my chronic illness given the positivity and fun and planning and food and cake, the hangouts with friends. But I feel kind of disconnected, like the way the pain and hurt was snatched from me also took something else with it. I don't assimilate having failed my suicide date, having not even tried, not even coming close to a cord in the last month. I don't know what's best for me any longer, and after my birthday passed… nothing happened. Things haven't bettered but they certainly haven't worsened, however they are bound to, and I have responsibilities over my pets to solve which are kind of stressing me out. This is mostly me rambling it all our, because I'm looking for compassion, it's not something I can bring up at the dinner table, specially not with the very people who celebrated one more year of my existence and breath. Specially not to the very people I planned to break who's hearts in exchange of putting mine to rest from its own heartbreak.
It hurts, and I've been wanting to cry but I don't manage to and I don't know why, it hurts to be alive still yet I take it in and I'm, alive, aware.
If you feel this way, I feel you, thank you for reading, never stop looking for what feels best, we all deserve to feel good.
