A downside to recovery

[Tom9999]

Before recovery I unconsciously viewed intimacy as pain, so I always participated in destructive push-pull relationships that prevented intimacy. I scoffed at people who said they were "happily in love", got married, or started families, as I thought "Why would people want to create and participate in such suffering - how stupid!"

After recovery I realized there IS such a thing as healthy, pleasurable, nurturing, freeing, and rewarding intimacy.

As a matter of fact, I was presented with such opportunities for just that sort of intimacy many many times in my life, but always unconsciously rejected it.

Realizing this creates an irredeemable sense of loss.

Whenever I see teenagers holding hands, a couple shopping together, a young family on a picnic, or people celebrating the birth of their grandkid, I think "All that was available to me and I missed out."

There are other aspects of life I missed out on in the same way. Putting them all together... it's too much for me to handle, especially after the numerous failures to thrive that followed my recovery.

That's the downside to recovery: you realize your losses, which can be enormous and cannot be truly compensated for as you are young but once.

If recovery leads to a reasonably fulfilling life then I believe one can go on.

But if it doesn't, the additional burden of now seeing all you missed out on can overwhelm.

 

[Jean Améry]

This is quite understandable yet if one could achieve the same genuine intimacy at whatever age why would it not be worth it?

I do understand about the pain of realizing one's youth is gone for good and one didn't or couldn't make good use of it though. That is truly sad.

If you have a chance at intimacy and real happiness I think you should take it and not reflect too much on what you have lost. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[Tom9999]

If you have a chance at intimacy and real happiness I think you should take it and not reflect too much on what you have lost. Easier said than done, I know.

LOL I don't know what's funnier: you thinking you know what's best for me, or you feeling you have the right to tell me what I "should" do.

 

[Wayfaerer]

But if it doesn't, the additional burden of now seeing all you missed out on can overwhelm.

This is the story of my life, with almost everything. Worst part is I can't just go experience what I've missed out on because ctb is coming too soon. I'll at least get to experience a little before I go (hopefully...)

 

[Tom9999]

This is the story of my life, with almost everything. Worst part is I can't just go experience what I've missed out on because ctb is coming too soon. I'll at least get to experience a little before I go (hopefully...)

I'm sorry to hear you suffer from this burden as well. It's dreadful.

Brother, here's wishing you experience more than a little (lots!) before you go.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm sorry to hear you suffer from this burden as well. It's dreadful.

Brother, here's wishing you experience more than a little (lots!) before you go.

Thank you! I'll never know what it would be like to have a six-pack, a career or a girlfriend. The things I was actively working towards before I became suicidal due to circumstance. I'll lose my v-card at the very least, if all goes according to plan.

 

[Tom9999]

Thank you! I'll never know what it would be like to have a six-pack, a career or a girlfriend. The things I was actively working towards before I became suicidal due to circumstance. I'll lose my v-card at the very least, if all goes according to plan.

Got ya on the v-card, I'm rooting for you with that!