Venting 7 day count down

[greengrass]

hello, ive been using this site for a while without an account. but i have been feeling really alone lately, its extremely hard for me to talk about my personal feelings. i dont have any friends, so i dont even really know how to talk to anyone anyways. so bear with me. also because a lot of the guilt and shame i feel everyday is my own doing so i cant even really talk about it without people thinking im a piece of shit. it makes me feel silly to cry and whine when i truly deserve to have a shitty life. ive been suicidal since i was about 9 or 10 id say, ive had many attempts and been hospitalized three times. in and out of therapy. recently discharged from therapy about a year ago. im 24 now. im diagnosed bipolar 2 and on an antipsychotic. but i honestly dont think i am. i think i probably just have autism or maybe bpd, but anyway, in about a week i will be getting surgery for something i wont go into detail about since it doesn't matter. i plan on taking the pills i will be given all at once, i will be doing so the first day my fiance goes back to work from caring for me. (he is caring for me and still with me even though i have treated him like garbage) im very small so i think whatever they give me will be enough, and i really wish i could do it before the surgery. Im so terrified of saying some horrible racist or fucked up things while under the anesthesia. i have a horrible sense of humor, because im a terrible person. i have treated people horribly in my life and done terrible things. i hate that they have to waste their time and resources on a piece of shit who is useless and pointless. and i just know im gonna say something offensive or talk about something shitty that ive done. maybe theyll let me die during the surgery, i hope and wish cuz that would be ideal. i cannot wait to finally let go of all this anxiety and shame and guilt. I know the world will be a better place without me. wish me luck, i will update once i get my hands on the pain meds. this is finally my chance.

 

[Agon321]

Hi. Welcome to this website

Sorry, I'm using a translator and I don't know if I understood correctly.
Want to use painkillers for CTB?
If so, this is a very bad idea.
The probability of success is very low.
There is also a chance that you will suffer permanent internal damage.
Unfortunately, this is a bad plan.

If I can help it, I recommend finding another way.

I understand your situation is difficult, but sometimes it can be even worse.

 

[painoflife]

I am also going to second what Agon321 has said and say that OD on pain meds is very unreliable and also not a quick or painless way to go.
Please research whatever meds you plan to use so you are aware what will happen to you during the process

 

[greengrass]

I am also going to second what Agon321 has said and say that OD on pain meds is very unreliable and also not a quick or painless way to go.
Please research whatever meds you plan to use so you are aware what will happen to you during the process

I have done research, unsure of what medications will be given to me right now. Exact plan will be determined once I know what I will be getting.

 

[painoflife]

Yes of course, sorry thats what I meant that you can only plan generally now but would need to look up specific ones when they are in hand

 

[errorsinmypast]

Shame and guilt combined are one heavy ass ship to carry on your back everyday, its crusifing, I can relate to that. Those feelings alone make us ill, never mind any other mental health issues ontop. I'm similar in the sense I can't talk or discuss my guilt and shame and its the very reason I want to ctb.

Hope you find your plan and get the relief you crave. Know you're not alone in feeling how you do.