1st in a while

[voc_89]

So today was the first in a while that I cut myself (multiple times). For a while now I thought I had it all in check. But today was hard. Um Saturday was the 21st anniversary of my main parent's death. So strange. The 20th anniversary of their death. I was so okay. So normal. Nothing. The 21st. In and around it I was becoming more and more psycho. This is so bad. Cause I have alot of eyes on me atm. My employer has been asking alot of me that puts me at the next level (in other words they have me doing multiple tasks that is required of a senior economist... 1 level above me... i work in a central bank). Life is on the up. Everything that brought me down. No longer bothered me. But here I am again. Hating myself. Wanting to die. Wtf. This shit life. I hate it. I took a day off (Monday) even though I know management watching to see if I could be senior economist. I just can't atm. I can't. I am hurting so much. I am raging so much. I want to die. I hope when I wake up tomorrow. I can put the mask back on. And tight enough. To make it appear to everyone my absence was a one off. I hate this sickness (ctb ideation).

 

[Pale_Rider]

The pain can be like a vise sometimes.

 

[voc_89]

hi guys. Sorry about the late response. It took a while for me to get my shit together. I thank all that have read my comment. I also am greatly thankful to those who responded with their sympathy. I was in a BAD space. The next few days I had to really work on subduing my thoughts of driving into oncoming traffic. Your words helped me with that. I am so grateful of this community. U helped me so many times when I am at my worst. Thank you