irregularreconcile
i'm such a coward; these wretched things i do
- Jun 15, 2023
- 65
I found myself today relatively decent; The past few days I haven't been thinking of my CTB date much, just still quite focused on making Christmas gifts. That was, until, watching a video and hearing someone give advice about addiction.
I don't really struggle with substance use, but I have a lengthy history of self harm (On a month clean right now, though.) But, hearing the same phrase I've heard over and over again from this random person on the internet just... Jarred me. It reminded me of all the therapy, psych inpatient and outpatient I've done, and all the same words spoken over and over. It really hit me that it never works, and I'm truly too far gone.
But that makes me wonder... When was the time that "time" occurred? When did it stop working? Why did it have to start working? Why me?
I imagine you all feel something similar. For me, as I think about it, when I moved states to escape the abuse and really realized I couldn't get better amidst a better enviornment did it for me. I truly do feel that I am too far gone, that I will be only at peace when I pass away. And... I feel joy still thinking of that day to come. I am excited to leave; I am truly coming to terms with whatever may come. Nothingness? Hell? A spirit guide? Another life? I want it.
The part of me that was severed so ling ago, that is so longing and needing a different shell, one that represents my mjnd and body, a change, a hope for life or death, it fills me. But, there is that twinge of shame, as I felt having seen that video. Am I really unfixable? Yes, but why did it have to get this bad? When did it get this bad? I'm not sure.
I wonder if anybody else feels like this... I feel my inability to get better shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing, or presented with the same phrases to "get better" and "distract" over and over. I don't want my whole existence, including my death, to be viewed as a burden.
Sorry if this is a bit of word soup... Moreso just another one of my rambly journal entries. I hope you all are fairing as well as possible for our circumstances. <3
I don't really struggle with substance use, but I have a lengthy history of self harm (On a month clean right now, though.) But, hearing the same phrase I've heard over and over again from this random person on the internet just... Jarred me. It reminded me of all the therapy, psych inpatient and outpatient I've done, and all the same words spoken over and over. It really hit me that it never works, and I'm truly too far gone.
But that makes me wonder... When was the time that "time" occurred? When did it stop working? Why did it have to start working? Why me?
I imagine you all feel something similar. For me, as I think about it, when I moved states to escape the abuse and really realized I couldn't get better amidst a better enviornment did it for me. I truly do feel that I am too far gone, that I will be only at peace when I pass away. And... I feel joy still thinking of that day to come. I am excited to leave; I am truly coming to terms with whatever may come. Nothingness? Hell? A spirit guide? Another life? I want it.
The part of me that was severed so ling ago, that is so longing and needing a different shell, one that represents my mjnd and body, a change, a hope for life or death, it fills me. But, there is that twinge of shame, as I felt having seen that video. Am I really unfixable? Yes, but why did it have to get this bad? When did it get this bad? I'm not sure.
I wonder if anybody else feels like this... I feel my inability to get better shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing, or presented with the same phrases to "get better" and "distract" over and over. I don't want my whole existence, including my death, to be viewed as a burden.
Sorry if this is a bit of word soup... Moreso just another one of my rambly journal entries. I hope you all are fairing as well as possible for our circumstances. <3
