For a while, I was afraid of my constant suicidal ideation. It has become more prevalent and regular over time.
Eventually, I realized that my own instinct for survival will function even without my own instruction. It is not so much that I expect it to always win over my darker instincts, as much as I expect it to function whether I know it or not, whether I feel it or not. I figured the time between now and whenever it might be that my own instinct for survival fails me should be better spent on things other than worrying about it. I learned to have faith in my own subconscious desire to live. This realization was liberating and gave me the space to just feel whatever pain I was feeling without fear of where it might lead me later on. It has allowed me to be more present with my emotions without piling on it with fears of the future.
In a way, I could say: If I die, I die. But today I am alive, so I needn't worry about it now. Tomorrow, if I'm dead, I'm dead, and couldn't worry about it then.
I still have thoughts about suicide or fantasize about dying some other way every now and again. But I am no longer afraid of it. I don't try to run away from it anymore. All it does to me now is signal to me that I am in pain, and must attend to it. Sometimes, that means allowing myself to indulge in the thought. It might seem counter-intuitive to approach things this way and I don't think I'd just thoughtlessly recommend it to anyone, but it does work for me. The pain, though seemingly more pronounced (or perhaps more focused), is no longer overwhelming.
My thoughts are all I have really, it is the only thing that protects me from my own emotions. Externally, music is the only other constant companion.
I've found that this piece helps me channel and experience my emotions better, whatever my mood. I just close my eyes and surrender to the music.
