renichi
New Member
- Jul 15, 2025
- 3
all of this will sound stupid.
over the last six months my mental state has deteriorated greatly. the pills didn't help me, and then I ran out of money and couldn't get treatment. unfortunately, this has affected all my interpersonal relationships. from april to july i had 6 fights with a group of 3 of my close friends. the reason was the same. they felt that i was abandoning them, that i was devaluing them or they were jealous of me with my boyfriend/other ppl.
they knew i was depressed (F32.2) and they always told me "ren we understand your mental state and we are not angry with you" but we still fought. i know i am at fault and i always tried to calm them down. i tried to be better, i tried and forced myself to spend time with him at least a few hours every couple of days, but it was often no more than an hour because i physically could not talk for long. my physical condition also worsened because of depression and i often had dizziness/fainting. the arguments were exhausting. i understand their feelings, that they were upset, and i am sorry that i brought them to this. but they were often rude in their wording and very emotionally reactive. and i often felt that they were "attacking me". for example when they found out about my relationship, they started to put pressure on me all three of them and say that "you traded us for a random guy" (i just said that i am glad that at least someone loves me, and they thought that i was devaluing our friendship and that they meant nothing to me)
I really tried, I tried to spend time with them, I calmed their worries and jealousy. for their sake, I didn't talk about my boyfriend or other people anywhere because it triggers them.
in july my condition reached its peak. i started preparing for death because i couldn't live like that. i started spending even less time with them not only with them. with all people. i felt bad, i was apathetic, i was a really bad friend and it upset them
one of my close friends let's call him 'friend1" text to me:
"ren, I think we need to clarify something. I'd like us not to identify each other as close/best friends, because I feel our interactions don't match that level. I don't want to change our relationship, I just want to change my attitude toward you and mentally distance myself." (direct quote).
I agreed with him and apologized, but half an hour later I had a breakdown, unfollowed him, and left our group chat. I'm ashamed of that—I really did act irrationally. then he text to me:
"you didn't understand anything and didn't draw any conclusions for yourself. ypu're just going to keep acting the same and pitying yourself, even in this situation where I, one of the few times ever, asked for your understanding and hoped you'd accept the fact that I've completely given up trying to get closer to you, that I don't feel anything from you at all, and that it would be easier for both of us if we just continued our friendship without this fucking burden—but no, that didn't happen. I don't believe you understood me, or even tried to."
later, our second mutual friend text to me. It was a lot of messages, and I can't quote them exactly because I deleted the chat. friend2 wished me dead, said I'm drowning in self-pity, that I'm selfish, and that I'll never get better—not because I'm sick or depressed, but because I just don't want to do anything about myself.
It's been a month now, but it still hurts, and I'm still ashamed. I really did try, and they were very dear to me. I don't know how it came to this. Im very sad that this happened, I will never forgive myself for what happened. and I am afraid to be friends with someone now because I no longer believe in "we will accept you even with depression"
over the last six months my mental state has deteriorated greatly. the pills didn't help me, and then I ran out of money and couldn't get treatment. unfortunately, this has affected all my interpersonal relationships. from april to july i had 6 fights with a group of 3 of my close friends. the reason was the same. they felt that i was abandoning them, that i was devaluing them or they were jealous of me with my boyfriend/other ppl.
they knew i was depressed (F32.2) and they always told me "ren we understand your mental state and we are not angry with you" but we still fought. i know i am at fault and i always tried to calm them down. i tried to be better, i tried and forced myself to spend time with him at least a few hours every couple of days, but it was often no more than an hour because i physically could not talk for long. my physical condition also worsened because of depression and i often had dizziness/fainting. the arguments were exhausting. i understand their feelings, that they were upset, and i am sorry that i brought them to this. but they were often rude in their wording and very emotionally reactive. and i often felt that they were "attacking me". for example when they found out about my relationship, they started to put pressure on me all three of them and say that "you traded us for a random guy" (i just said that i am glad that at least someone loves me, and they thought that i was devaluing our friendship and that they meant nothing to me)
I really tried, I tried to spend time with them, I calmed their worries and jealousy. for their sake, I didn't talk about my boyfriend or other people anywhere because it triggers them.
in july my condition reached its peak. i started preparing for death because i couldn't live like that. i started spending even less time with them not only with them. with all people. i felt bad, i was apathetic, i was a really bad friend and it upset them
one of my close friends let's call him 'friend1" text to me:
"ren, I think we need to clarify something. I'd like us not to identify each other as close/best friends, because I feel our interactions don't match that level. I don't want to change our relationship, I just want to change my attitude toward you and mentally distance myself." (direct quote).
I agreed with him and apologized, but half an hour later I had a breakdown, unfollowed him, and left our group chat. I'm ashamed of that—I really did act irrationally. then he text to me:
"you didn't understand anything and didn't draw any conclusions for yourself. ypu're just going to keep acting the same and pitying yourself, even in this situation where I, one of the few times ever, asked for your understanding and hoped you'd accept the fact that I've completely given up trying to get closer to you, that I don't feel anything from you at all, and that it would be easier for both of us if we just continued our friendship without this fucking burden—but no, that didn't happen. I don't believe you understood me, or even tried to."
later, our second mutual friend text to me. It was a lot of messages, and I can't quote them exactly because I deleted the chat. friend2 wished me dead, said I'm drowning in self-pity, that I'm selfish, and that I'll never get better—not because I'm sick or depressed, but because I just don't want to do anything about myself.
It's been a month now, but it still hurts, and I'm still ashamed. I really did try, and they were very dear to me. I don't know how it came to this. Im very sad that this happened, I will never forgive myself for what happened. and I am afraid to be friends with someone now because I no longer believe in "we will accept you even with depression"
