Venting Lack of identity struggles

[cptsdfugue]

I feel like I have zero identity and I'm faking everything. I'm faking being traumatized since I can't remember my past. I'm faking being lesbian because I don't feel attraction easily and I said I was bi when I was in 7th grade because I thought it was cool and I think I've liked women but I don't know and I'm too traumatized to even distinguish friendship from romance and I've never had anyone be into me as much as I've been into them. I'm faking being non binary because everyone misgenders me constantly and I don't correct them and I think I'm faking it all because I don't pass correctly as androgynous. Either I'm too stereotypical (someone literally told me when I shared my experiences with AUDHD and BPD that I sounded so unserious and that I was being stereotypical and I should talk to this other person who "actually" had those disorders who thought I was faking) or I'm not stereotypical enough (forgetting my trauma) and I don't fucking know who I am and every time I see people celebrating their pride or have my friend mention how she's queer I want to fucking rip out my veins and bite myself and tear and tear and kill myself. It's bad.

Does anyone else relate? Oh yes for more info on me hello, I'm 18 and about to be a sophomore in college. I don't plan to kill myself but I'm just using this site because nobody else around me knows what it's like to be suicidal. I'm probably going to change my username but I guess you can call me Fugue, after the Honkai star rail character who lost her sense of self and her memory

 

[yuihinafan]

I understand you alot, and i am sorry that life put you through so many trials and suffering, you seem like such a kind person irl.
If it makes you feel better, i am 20 yrs old and i also dont know who i am, for me personally it was mostly because i came from an abusive household and my father would never allow me to make my own choices, and if i would dare to do such things it would end up me being verbally abused. That is also why i am such an indecisive idiot, i freeze up when it comes to making decisions.

 

[miso_soup]

i relate to your experience quite a lot and it sucks. im also trans nb and something that i've noticed is that even when (or maybe even especially when) existing outside the binary you're expected to totally abandon anything that could be perceived as "too feminine/masculine". it kinda feels like the label that was supposed to be more freeing and authentic just turns into another tight box. however if you find people who see you for who you really are and not just the way you present, that feeling stops being that present. and with them you can be as fem or masc as you feel and they will still see you as nb. also passing as a nb person is fucking hard cause people are not really socialised to perceive others as smth other than man/woman.

ive also been diagnosed with bpd and one of the main symptoms is unstable sense of self and feelings of emptiness which also could account for you feelings regarding your gender identity (this is not me saying you are not nonbinary!!! im saying that the fact that you feel like you're faking it might be caused by those things). also there is no "right way" to have audhd or bpd. everyone's experience will be different. Some people will only exhibit some symptoms, others all so accusing you of faking those disorders based on you "being stereotypical" when discribing YOUR PERSONAL experiences is just INSANE. and same goes with your trauma response being "not stereotypical enough". it's trauma. and it can show in so many different ways. and that is okay.
you are not behind in life. you're 18 and it's hard to not know who you are but i guess there is time to figure it out(?). at least im hoping it happens for me. (im 19).

take care and if you ever want to chat you can message me.