Young, suicidal and in lockdown

[FireFox]

My name is Firefox and I am young,suicidal and in lockdown.

Being young while in lockdown I feel like my life is passing me by and and there is nothing i can do about it . There was so much I wanted to do with my life .
- Take the Eurostar to Amsterdam
- Vist Iceland
-Vist beauty spots across the UK and doing fun activities outdoors
- have a career that is making the world a better place
- A partner who deeply loves me for me
- An exciting life with meaning
I hate being in lockdown because I cant explore and become to the woman i was truly meant me in this world. The loneliness doesnt bother me because not having close friendships in my teenage years helped me cope with being on my own . My past was preparing me for the future such a shame i didn't see it when i was younger.

I desire a real purpose and not having a real purpose is what is making me miserable in the lockdown. Every day is the same boring cycle wake up, watch TV, eat and go to bed. Job hunting is just rejection after rejection i dont see the point anymore.

I pretend to be happy because talking to my family about how i feel is like talking to a brick wall.

I am obsessed with my weight as it the only thing i can control now in an out of control world we are living in .
I feel good when i purge it is a release . I am upset i have not purged today. I purged a couple days ago it was a Macdonalds meal. My family force me to eat at certain times and i want to scream. I go along with it to avoid world war 3.

Being suicidal while in lockdown is overwhelming. I am fighting my own private war within myself. The battle is to live or to cease to exist. There is a part of me that wants to live but another part of me that wants to escape this world. The thoughts dont stop.

The pandemic has taught me a lot
1) Life is too short and the people we love can be gone when we least expect it. My grandfather suddenly died last month. I have not seen him for years as he lives in another country
Before he died I wrote him a detailed and put in a Christmas card. My mum posted it.
In the letter i wrote about how much i loved him and how he was my favourite grandparent. He read the letter weeks before his death.
I take confort in the fact my grandfather died knowing how I much i loved and cared about him.
I do miss him a lot.

2) Celebrity culture is fake and overrated. Seeing how self centred how celebrities have beem behaving during the pandemic and trying to make it about them it is sa disgusting
I always thought celebrities were amazing because they were famous and had money. When i was younger i believed i had to be like them to be successful and respected in life.
Seeing how successful they are especially the younger ones i always felt inferior about my own life.
When celebrities are not making their music, films or other things they are famous for they lose thier relevance very quickly as the pandemic showed. In the end they are just ordinary people like us except with big mansions.
I wasted my life following them but now i realise i dont need to be like them.

3) The pandemic has exposed the selfishness and apathy that exists within the human race.

What has the pandemic taught you?
Share your stories of being suicidal while in lockdown

 

[Ender]

The pandemic has taught me one thing at least, humanity can be truly monstrous. We are not on lockdown here in the US, although we mine as well say we are. I too am extremely young, I wish I had dreams like that of yours, I would love to move to Iceland or somewhere far away. However, I just think death is more preferable for my soul. And although I never had pay attention to celebrity culture, I agree with you 100%.

 

[lostmyhope]

The pandemic has been hard for everyone, but I can't imagine being young and in a state of constant change and growth, and having your life railroaded/halted like this.

I don't have anything profound to say that can take away your pain, although I really wish I did. But if it helps at all, lockdown won't last forever, and you're not alone in that you've had to put your life on pause.

 

[Nymph]

I've been feeling more suicidal during lock down because I'm stuck with myself more and I'm in thinking a lot but I still prefer it over regular times because I have online school which I prefer, I have anxiety and school stresses me out a lot. If I could have distance studying plus being able to go shop and do regular stuff then it would be great. I'm probably one of the few actually enjoying the lock down and stressed out about when it's gonna go back to normal.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

It might sound small but I relied on going out and about to coffee shops to read and write and get me out of the halfway house I live in. Now I just feel forced to lie in bed all day with my depression, killing time at a glacial pace.

 

[Soulless Angel]

you have written that so well,
For me, this UK lockdown, Its made me realise how selfish society truly is, it's made me realise that life as we once knew it is no longer and that we are on a path to a future I fear, I don't wish to be part of that future, its making my suicidal thoughts heavier, but for once I am able to hide them more so.

 

[MrBlue]

The first lockdown was actually a godsend, I got caught trying to ctb the same week and was banned from returning back to my uni campus afterward, so without lockdown I wouldn't have been able to complete my course remotely.

I completely relate to you now though @FireFox . I literally don't do anything with my life atm besides eat, sleep and the occasional chore like walking the dog. The pandemic definitely stalled/ruined any of my attempts to improve my life. It's complicated pre-employment checks so I might not be able to work now, I can't go to clubs and attempt to make friends, or eventually start dating and maybe get into my first relationship.

Life doesn't feel like it's passing but already gone years ago.

I hope that you don't get too ill with the purging. I used to when I was younger, it can wreck your teeth and being that thin can make you feel real shitty in the long run. If you want to vent to an unsderstanding ear, my PMs are always open. I hope things get better for you OP :)

 

[WornOutLife]

Interesting thoughts and reflexions about the pandemic, dear.

I'm really sorry you couldn't do all the things you've wanted too. I hope this is over soon so that you can accomplish some things of your least.

As for me, I like being in my apartment all alone so the pandemic was not that bad. However, I think I've had enough! I've fed up with having to use face masks and not being able to go out in a relaxed way if I feel like.

Send you lots of love and hugs and hey, you're young so, I bet you'll really get to do anything you propose yourself! This pandemic of hell gotta end!

 

[Livingvsdying25]

It hindered my plans for growth and travel and fun this year.

I wante1d to get out in the world and now I'm forced and stuck with fucking online interactions...

It showed me how little the world cares about disabled people. We don't mean shit even when the fucking world is falling apart.

It kinda just set me on a path.

Life isn't worth living in this COVID shit. Just bc there a vaccine doesn't mean things will be getting better anytime soon and I'm not taking it right away.

Truthfully it just pushed me to want to CTB more.

 

[FireFox]

you have written that so well,
For me, this UK lockdown, Its made me realise how selfish society truly is, it's made me realise that life as we once knew it is no longer and that we are on a path to a future I fear, I don't wish to be part of that future, its making my suicidal thoughts heavier, but for once I am able to hide them more so.

Soulless Angel
I am ashamed of the behaviour from some of the British public , high profile britons etc during the pandemic.
- We have beauty spots in the UK and people who dont live in the beauty spots now leaving thier areas to vist them.
There is a mountain in Scotland and people who didnt live in that area where the mountain was came to see to the mountain. It is happened aslo happened in wales and other areas of the UK.

Skiers ignore Scotland's Covid lockdown to flock to Cairngorm Mountain

Around 150 sledders and walkers arrived at Cairngorm Mountain in Scotland on Saturday, despite the snow resort being closed due to coronavirus rules since Christmas Eve.

www.google.com

- The ageism towards people my age group is disgusting. The government, scientific advisers and the media are blaming young people like me for the high infection rate.

It is not fair because i have seen people older than myself breaking the rules.

In my neighbourhood there is a couple in 30s-40s and during the first lockdown they threw a house party. I could hear the music blaring, i would see people coming in and out of the house, people coming out with balloons and food.
-
- My stepdads ex girlfriend( 40s) who he shares a son with took her son to a party during the lockdown. My step dad was not happy .

- The anti lockdown protesters look on the TV they are mainly older people.
Piers Corbyn is in his 70s,

My age group is getting the blame this not fair.

I understand how you feel and the future absolutely scares me.

My area was put in to a tier 4 during the Christmas season .
I live in London so i have been in lockdown since December.

Where in the UK are you?

 

[Soulless Angel]

Soulless Angel
I am ashamed of the behaviour from some of the British public , high profile britons etc during the pandemic.
- We have beauty spots in the UK and people who dont live in the beauty spots now leaving thier areas to vist them.
There is a mountain in Scotland and people who didnt live in that area where the mountain was came to see to the mountain. It is happened aslo happened in wales and other areas of the UK.

Skiers ignore Scotland's Covid lockdown to flock to Cairngorm Mountain

Around 150 sledders and walkers arrived at Cairngorm Mountain in Scotland on Saturday, despite the snow resort being closed due to coronavirus rules since Christmas Eve.

www.google.com

- The ageism towards people my age group is disgusting. The government, scientific advisers and the media are blaming young people like me for the high infection rate.

It is not fair because i have seen people older than myself breaking the rules.

In my neighbourhood there is a couple in 30s-40s and during the first lockdown they threw a house party. I could hear the music blaring, i would see people coming in and out of the house, people coming out with balloons and food.
-
- My stepdads ex girlfriend( 40s) who he shares a son with took her son to a party during the lockdown. My step dad was not happy .

- The anti lockdown protesters look on the TV they are mainly older people.
Piers Corbyn is in his 70s,

My age group is getting the blame this not fair.

I understand how you feel and the future absolutely scares me.

My area was put in to a tier 4 during the Christmas season .
I live in London so i have been in lockdown since December.

Where in the UK are you?

I'm down in Cornwall . We were tier 1 then people from up country escaped down here, I've over heard people bragging about breaking the rules to get away from London. As a result our tier was shifted up then suddenly the whole country goes into lockdown.
I truely dispair of people i really do

 

[FireFox]

It hindered my plans for growth and travel and fun this year.

I wante1d to get out in the world and now I'm forced and stuck with fucking online interactions...

It showed me how little the world cares about disabled people. We don't mean shit even when the fucking world is falling apart.

It kinda just set me on a path.

Life isn't worth living in this COVID shit. Just bc there a vaccine doesn't mean things will be getting better anytime soon and I'm not taking it right away.

Truthfully it just pushed me to want to CTB more.

Nottrying23
Where did you want to go in the world and what were your plans?

I am sorry to hear that. I have also noticed how society doesn't care about disabled people and sees disabled people an inconvenience especially during the pandemic.

I am not even disabled myself

Seeing comments online which say " only old people die of covid19"
" shield the disabled "
The worst comments online come from right wing journalists and mps in the UK
One British mp lucy allan she said most of the people who died of covid had "pre existing conditions "

It is very of sad .
Disabled people have a right to life just like everyone else.

Most people forget anyone can be struck with a disability. It is so scary once i discovered this.
Life can be so cruel

There is this one member i used to talk to called AcornUnderground. I dont know if she is still here or not on this site .She was a healthy woman who lived a wonderful life and had so much going for her until one day she got this incurable rare disease ( cant remember)which causes her constant never ending pain. She planned to end her life.
I am using this example because this woman really opened my eyes not take my own health for granted and has changed my view of the world.

If a society decides which lives matter more than others then others then we are heading towards a dangerous road. It is very slippery slope.

If disabled lives dont matter then what other lives are going to be considered disposable by society.

It is up to able bodied people like myself to speak out against these prejudices and stand up for the disabled.
If i don't speak up then who will?

I don't think life is worth living either due to covid. Lets be honest this is not living.
We cant spend our lives living in this continuous loop which is lockdown, ease lockdown and lockdown again.

The worst thing about the pandemic is seeing all these wealthy people break the laws while the rest of us get punished if we do the same.

Interesting thoughts and reflexions about the pandemic, dear.

I'm really sorry you couldn't do all the things you've wanted too. I hope this is over soon so that you can accomplish some things of your least.

As for me, I like being in my apartment all alone so the pandemic was not that bad. However, I think I've had enough! I've fed up with having to use face masks and not being able to go out in a relaxed way if I feel like.

Send you lots of love and hugs and hey, you're young so, I bet you'll really get to do anything you propose yourself! This pandemic of hell gotta end!

Wornoutlife
No human being should be in lockdown alone. My mum was telling me my stepdad father is spending lockdown with his daughter and grandchildren. My stepdad wasnt happy as he hasn't got a great relationship with his father. I told my mum " nobody should be in lockdown alone"
My family drive me crazy but i am glad i have a family and not alone.

I feel sorry for people who are alone in lockdown. It doesnt help how the government in the UK keep talking about families and adverts are centred on family.

All i could think is what about people who dont have families?

It is ok to be fed up because this is not living.

I told my grandmother going to church is no longer enjoyable under the restrictions.

In my church you have to wear a mask except if exempt, you cant choose where you sit, the priest wears a facial shield delivering holy communion, confessions are done outside or somewhere inside the church etc
I told my grandmother it feels like a "dead atmosphere and no longer a church"
My grandmother said " we are receiving the presence of God abd and it good the churches are open"
All she cares about whether the churches are allowed to open.
She doesn't get it.
This is not normal. I know covid19 is serious but we need to be realistic.

We cant spend life living in this continuous loop which is lockdown, ease lockdown and lockdown again.

 

[DJJE]

6 to 12 weeks till this latest lock down ends.

It's fucking cold outside at the moment.

Hold off exploring til March, save some cash, upgrade on the Eurostar, get a comfy chair and free wine.

 

[FireFox]

I've been feeling more suicidal during lock down because I'm stuck with myself more and I'm in thinking a lot but I still prefer it over regular times because I have online school which I prefer, I have anxiety and school stresses me out a lot. If I could have distance studying plus being able to go shop and do regular stuff then it would be great. I'm probably one of the few actually enjoying the lock down and stressed out about when it's gonna go back to normal.

Nymph
Actually you are worry is quite normal.
The lockdown is a polarising issue there some who love it and others who hate it.

It really depends on the individual.

There many people who like the lockdown as they can stay at home, watch Netflix and do their hobbies they never had time to do.
There many others miserable under lockdown due to abusive households, economic hardship and uncertainty and loneliness .

Actually you remind me of my little sister. My sister is 13 years old and she loves the lockdown because she wont have to go to school and see people.
When told my sister this week the schools are closed as the UK is new national lockdown. My sister was jumping up and down across the living room with nothing but joy.
My sister spends the lockdown doing her drawings, watching anime, watching Netflix horror movies and talking to her school friends online.

It ok to find online classes hard. Humankind was never made to learn on thier own which was why schools and universities were invented .

6 to 12 weeks till this latest lock down ends.

It's fucking cold outside at the moment.

Hold off exploring til March, save some cash, upgrade on the Eurostar, get a comfy chair and free wine.

DJJE
Thank you so much. That comment has made me feel better
Is it me ?
Nowadays i have noticed it is getting so much colder outside. I can feel the cold cuddling me.
In the past couple of years the cold was bearable but now i feel it has gotten worse.

When i leave the house i feel like i have stepped inside a freezer
I dont even live in Scotland.

I'm down in Cornwall . We were tier 1 then people from up country escaped down here, I've over heard people bragging about breaking the rules to get away from London. As a result our tier was shifted up then suddenly the whole country goes into lockdown.
I truely dispair of people i really do

SoullessAngel
This not fair on the locals who live there like your self.

People who do this are so selfish.

I am a londoner if i could and if this is possible I apologise on behalf of my fellow Londoners for bringing the covid to Cornwall and making life harder for the local people of Cornwall by seeing the tier levels change. We are not all like this.

The worst thing is most of these people never vist these places in the UK and are only staying there because they are bored , inconvenienced and dont want to stay put.

Before pandemic Cornwall had a negative reputation across the UK now all a sudden it is seen as a magical place like which everyone wants to live and see.
( no offense)

The worst thing about the pandemic is also Piers Morgan. The pandemic has given this big ego and thinks he is so important.

•I dont like piers Morgan he never gives people a chance to give their side of the argument
•constantly talking over people,
•he is very preachy .
•The way he treated Meghan markle is disgusting. He brought her dad to interview on his show.
Already Meghan fell out with the dad at the time and this was months after the Royal wedding.
This should have been a private matter between Meghan and the dad not entertainment for the British public.
• Constantly brown nosing trump

Piers Morgan lives in London he has been accused of going to Antigua during the Christmas holidays by guido blog.

Piers Morgan Did Not Follow the Government's Tier 3 Covid Advice When He Went on Christmas Caribbean Holiday

The Government's official guidance is that all people in Tier 3 should avoid travelling outside their tier - both to other English tiers and abroad -

order-order.com

Piers Morgan has neither denied or responded to the accusations.
I hope the accusation is true.
He needs to be put in his place.

 

[FireFox]

It might sound small but I relied on going out and about to coffee shops to read and write and get me out of the halfway house I live in. Now I just feel forced to lie in bed all day with my depression, killing time at a glacial pace.

BluesRunTheGame
It is not small at all. Going to the coffee shop to read and write was your outlet.

The pandemic has shown me how we shouldnt take even the littlest thing for granted as one day it can all disappear all within a blink of an eye.

If it would make you better every day i feel like I am grieving for my old life and I hope this was just a bad dream.
My old life was awful
-unemployed
-single
- lost in the world
However at least i was free. I didn't have to wear a face covering when i took the train or bus, i could go wherever i wanted and I didn't have to worry about catching anything except a cold.

During the second world war (1939-1945) the people living across Europe the time thought the war would never end.

Those who lived in Concentration camps believed they wouldn't live.

Where are they today. Today they are in the thier 80s, 90s, 100s and they have seen the worst of life but also the best of life.
It will end this pandemic at some stage.
That is what is trying to keep me going

What is a halfway house? sorry i never heard of it.

The first lockdown was actually a godsend, I got caught trying to ctb the same week and was banned from returning back to my uni campus afterward, so without lockdown I wouldn't have been able to complete my course remotely.

I completely relate to you now though @FireFox . I literally don't do anything with my life atm besides eat, sleep and the occasional chore like walking the dog. The pandemic definitely stalled/ruined any of my attempts to improve my life. It's complicated pre-employment checks so I might not be able to work now, I can't go to clubs and attempt to make friends, or eventually start dating and maybe get into my first relationship.

Life doesn't feel like it's passing but already gone years ago.

I hope that you don't get too ill with the purging. I used to when I was younger, it can wreck your teeth and being that thin can make you feel real shitty in the long run. If you want to vent to an unsderstanding ear, my PMs are always open. I hope things get better for you OP :)

Mrblue

It is nice you are still here with us. Many months before the lockdown I planned to kill myself a couple of days before my 23rd birthday in May.

Then the lockdown came in March and i didn't bother going ahead with my suicide plans. The fear of being caught by police outside made me scared to do it and the stay at home order i found intimidating.

I then ended up here on SS as i just wanted people to talk to and not be judged. I was interested in the methods as well.

I was absolutely depressed during my birthday because I dont want to be alive.

What are studying at university?
"Life doesn't feel like it is passing but already gones years ago"
Actually that is beautiful quote Mrblue.

Every day i feel like i am grieving for old life as I know it is not coming back.

I hated my old life but a least i was free.

The worst thing is while we are sitting in our houses crying and being depressed people are throwing secret parties in thier houses, raves, the rich people are moving out of the city in the countryside areas of the UK and so much rule breaking it is disgraceful

We are not in this together. I hate it when politicians say we are in this together.

I hope things get better for you too.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

What is a halfway house? sorry i never heard of it.

Where mentally ill people who might otherwise be homeless - or addicts fresh out of rehab - get housed to aid their (supposed) recovery. I'm lucky to have it but of course you can't choose your housemates or neighbourhood and there's tons of rules. Also known as supported accommodation.

 

[MrBlue]

I was absolutely depressed during my birthday because I dont want to be alive.

I was the same on my 22nd last summer. I couldn't be considered a young adult anymore and it made my failures that more painful.

What are studying at university?

I completed a degree in Forensic Science. It was kinda fun but pretty useless in job searches lol
Are you/did you study anything in uni? I was incrediably miserable there but my life had some direction at least.

Every day i feel like i am grieving for old life as I know it is not coming back.

I hated my old life but a least i was free

I feel the same. I also had the hope that I had time to change. But I failed despite my efforts and now I'm here.

I agree that the extent that people have shown themselves to be selfish and two-faced during this pandemic is dispicable. Elon Musk just achieved a net worth of $185 billion, after forcing his employees back during the pandemic last year, risking their lives for his own profit.

 

[Soulless Angel]

SoullessAngel
This not fair on the locals who live there like your self.

People who do this are so selfish.

I am a londoner if i could and if this is possible I apologise on behalf of my fellow Londoners for bringing the covid to Cornwall and making life harder for the local people of Cornwall by seeing the tier levels change. We are not all like this.

The worst thing is most of these people never vist these places in the UK and are only staying there because they are bored , inconvenienced and dont want to stay put.

Before pandemic Cornwall had a negative reputation across the UK now all a sudden it is seen as a magical place like which everyone wants to live and see.
( no offense)

Oh I totally agree Cornwall can be awful, esp to emmits (outsiders/tourists) A lot stems from when a vast majority of people coming down here they literally have no respect or care, or almost forget that people live here all year round.
I used to live in a very popular seaside town, I am so glad I moved away, in the winter it was quiet, but in the summer you couldn't move or go anywhere because of emmits, and when said emmits get nasty at locals who are just trying to live their lives as normal, many locals get shitty and hence part of our reputation comes in
And yea because we have a quiet county in the winter we went into tier one, and damn those emmits made the most of it, in the winter around 568,210 people reside in cornwall, in the summer you are looking at Millions hitting the county!