Help You want to change but dont??

[Life_and_Death]

im curious about changing my name, however theres probably not going to be as many relatable people as say the trans community on changing something important about yourself. its not the same, changing your name doesnt have to be as permanent or anything like that, but like i said, looking for an opinion on my specific situation is less likely, so id appreciate stories/thoughts/opinions from anyone thats felt like making a big personal change was right, but still heavily hesitated to do it.

i want to change my name. ive been wanting to change my name for years. id try out different names online to see what felt the most comfortable to me. what name rung out. and, im fairly confident i finally found one.

i dont want my name. my first name was named after a video game character. i hate video games, i hate the character (mostly the way people treat them). after the abuse my mother put me through i dont want her last name. im going through a divorce so i dont want his name. i was debating on just leaving my last name blank. ive debated on taking my ex bfs name (but that obviously fell through).
im happy with the name ive chosen... i really really like it.. i can see it on the front page of my books. signed at the bottom of my art.
but i dont feel like i can bring myself to actually change...
is it maybe not quite my name? should i still be looking? is changing my name not for me? but i hate me, i want to create my own person.



how did you know that you wanted to change? how did you know thats what you wanted to change to?

 

[cgrtt.brns]

im trans so my reasoning is a bit different like you said, but before i realised i was trans id always wanted to change my name anyway bc i hated it and it just had a lot of bad memories attached to it. for me, after a few failed attempts at picking a name, i chose my name after my favourite musician, which i know is cliche and ppl tell you not to do that but why the fuck not yano? lifes short and shit might as well chose a name i like and that has significance to me. it was weird at first bc i was worried it didnt really fit me, like it wasnt my name like you described. but now after about seven years its felt like my name for a while, ive gotten used to it and even though it also has some bad memories attached to it its something im comfortable with being called, which is way better than how i felt about my deadname. i cant remember how long it took me to actually change it legally, being trans i was very eager to change it as soon as possible bc my deadname was very feminine, but i know i did take some time to try it out in day to day life to see if it would work. like telling people around me to use my new name like at a cafe when they ask for your name for your order or smthn, signing things with it, writing it out and practicing a new signature with it, even referring to myself in my head with it. trying it out online is a great first step, but maybe trying it out in real life where you can would help make it feel more real if that makes sense? just before you go the whole way and change it legally.
as far as your last name, im not sure how choosing a different one works but i dont see why you couldnt just pick a different one thats completely unrelated to you if you dont like/want any of the ones in your family.
its probably also important to remember that changing your name wont change everything, youll still have the memories and youll still be you, but with a label you feel more comfortable with. i get what you mean about hating yourself and wanting to become a new person, and there is a lot of ways you can do that, but something ive had to learn through my transition is that you're still you. i hated myself before i transitioned, and now despite feeling more comfortable in my identity, i still hate myself because im me. but i think thats a separate problem that doesnt have to do with identity or how other people see me, its more internal and to do with self worth and trauma etc. so it needs to be treated separately if that makes any sense.
sorry for rambling. i hope this was useful somehow. i wish you all the best.

 

[Freyja13]

Hiii trans sibling here! :3 I don't have much energy but I wanted to say something. With my own name I've changed it socially but not legally yet. It took me a few years of playing around with different names online before I found one I could feel fit me well. I reeaallly wanna get my name finally changed legally but it's kinda slipped to the back-burner since it's so expensive. Plus I don't have too many problems with my old name. I still like it a lot. But I knew I wanted to change it still. I found that after I chose my new name and began using it in public the name started to feel like it was naturally mine. That's when I truly felt like I want to make it official. That name = me. If you have some close friends you can trust I'd suggest starting by asking them to begin using your chosen name. Let them know you might decide to change it in the future but you just want some support from them. You're always allowed to change your name again if you feel more of a bond with a different one. It's YOUR name! Sending you love and kindness c:

 

[Life_and_Death]

@cgrtt.brns @Freyja13 how did you tell them that you wanted a different name??

my bf, our complicated mutual friends and i are going to hang out in a few days (well, date hasnt been set yet). im thinking about telling them that im not sure if this is going to be a permanent thing, but if i dont try it ill always wonder if i should of.... my bf already knows about my name change, idk if our friends do, but i know theyd be just as supportive. to top it all off, they already have someone in their friend group that theyve done this for.

but i have this sick feeling in my stomach...and i just dont know.... i think its stupid and i shouldnt bother...

 

[cgrtt.brns]

what you said you're thinking about telling them sounds great, i wouldn't change it to be honest. i think i just said "this is my new name now please just call me this" so your explanation is way better lol.
i think its natural to feel anxious about it, its a big change that you've wanted for years, of course you're gonna be worried about what could go wrong, and if you're a chronic self sabotager like me your brain will think of any tiny thing to make you change your mind even though its something you want. but like you said, you wont know until you try. and its definitely worth trying, bc its not a permanent thing, you can always change it back if you find out its not for you but at least you'll know, so either way its a net positive if that makes sense.
this sounds like a perfect opportunity to try it out, especially with friends who you know are supportive. if you can, id maybe let them know a day or two in advance so they can mentally prepare, instead of telling them first in person so they have to switch on the spot if that makes sense. itd also probably be good for you as well so you dont have to worry about making a big announcement about it infront of everyone, bc i can imagine that would make the anxiety around it a lot worse. also, expect to have to remind them. it can take people a little bit to get used to, but its not impossible, just quick and simple reminders (all you need to say is just your new name and theyll remember why) when they slip up is all you need and theyll get it eventually.
take some deep breaths, remember how long you've wanted this and the reasons why you want it, and remember its not a huge deal if it doesnt work out. you can do this. i hope this helped and im happy to answer any other questions you may have the best i can. i wish you all the best <3

 

[Freyja13]

@cgrtt.brns @Freyja13 how did you tell them that you wanted a different name??

my bf, our complicated mutual friends and i are going to hang out in a few days (well, date hasnt been set yet). im thinking about telling them that im not sure if this is going to be a permanent thing, but if i dont try it ill always wonder if i should of.... my bf already knows about my name change, idk if our friends do, but i know theyd be just as supportive. to top it all off, they already have someone in their friend group that theyve done this for.

but i have this sick feeling in my stomach...and i just dont know.... i think its stupid and i shouldnt bother...

Feeling hesitant and apprehensive about this is totally relatable. I think @cgrtt.brns put it quite well. You can also ask your boyfriend if you can practice what you want to say to your friends before you hang out too. Maybe write out a loose script and practice with that? Knowing what you want to say and how you want to say it can help other people understand and transition better. For me I actually kinda forget how I told my friends. It's been a while and it was during a time of a lot of trauma for me. I know at work one of my team leads noticed I changed my name online and asked about it. My employer was supportive with it and as far as changing my name went it was pretty seamless. Now whenever I meet new people I introduce myself with my chosen name. The more I've done that the more the name has felt real and like it's mine. If you have any more questions or want me to clarify something (I know I can get rambley lol) please ask!