You guys are the only people I trust (also just writing what's on my mind)

[ebg]

You guys are the best because you don't see suicide as something "abnormal" or "irrational", you guys wouldn't send me to the psych ward, it feels like you guys are always there for me, I have a supportive boyfriend but I have been hating him a bit in my mind because he pressured me to have sex and I compare him to someone else who sexually assaulted me, I wish sex didn't exist because it feels like the antithesis of love. Anyway, I'll bring this up to him in a bit, maybe he wasn't aware or whatnot but anyway. I also got caught ordering SN and I told myself (I also wrote this on this forum) that if my CTB failed, that I would have to live until I finish my bachelor's. Today I am feeling like I don't want to be human nor be on Earth and that death feels like the ultimate solace, I have been having high anxiety and I also have OCD. Intrusive thoughts about being sexually assaulted have been going on all day and it makes me feel like degloving my whole body. However, I DID find that being on 200mg of Sertraline has GREATLY improved my ocd symptoms (FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT WORKS), today is just a bad day. I have a habit of watching videos of people dying on Kaotic because I feel like it calms me down a bit. Although I HATE seeing anything sexual/porn. When I get anxiety I often get thoughts about stabbing myself repeatedly in the neck because I feel like that would be calming lol, it's near my head (aka prison).

LOVE !,
ebg

 

[Leiot]

You're right - no one will judge you here. I'm open here about what I feel. Mine isn't so much sexual as it is being betrayed. Not cheating, just drifting away over years. The one person I loved just stopped. I stuck around way too long. When I had a bad day she'd ask if I had taken my meds. That hurt more than anything.

 

[Rudi]

I relate so much, I love this forum, the community, the honesty etc etc it feels like everyone here has one anothers back and no one actually feels left out or judged or misunderstood. It really is such a relief to be part of a community with people who relate to you and understand you - it literally gives you the opportunity to receive great advice and comfort and even though I haven't been a member for too long I've met awesome people up until now and I've felt a little better than how I usually do, even if I still have bad days. I was a guest for a year and I'm so glad I finally made up my mind and decided to be a member.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, I feel with you, though. And I'm glad you found something that works and helps you! :D