I think either my dad or a therapist from a clinic told me that. I know though as a fact that my dad often talked about suicide with the connection to intelligence. I love the writer David Foster Wallace who committed suicide. And my dad told me if he had been this smart he would not have committed suicide. Side note: my dad himself is really stupid and sort of ignorant.
This is a very common pattern for my dad. Really inappropriate and ignorant statements when someone commits suicide but he almost has a mental breakdown when he talks about having suicidal thoughts. I can remember when I was a little child. The German soccer goalie Robert Enke committed suicide. And my dad made jokes about him when we played with him on the video game console.
Moreover, I almost killed myself at the end of 2024. I had a clinic stay in a clinic for acute suicidal people. I ordered SN and almost took it. But my friends called the police and they interfered in my attempt. So my dad when he visited me at the clinic said something like "You must have told your friends something really scary so that they called the police on you. They probably overracted. Right?" And I was like no. I ordered a lethal poison and was about to take it. And this is why they called the police. My dad was shocked. He had a meltdown and said something like "I know you always talked about committing suicide but never in my life would I have imagined it that you actually would do it...." Bruh. I also got that vibe from my dad in the past. And I assured him I am not only talking about it I mean this seriously. But he didn't believe me.
I think my dad was somewhat suicidal in his life. He told me about it. And he described that he drove a car and he caught himself with the thought he would like to drive it against a tree. This was his rock bottom.
I don't want to talk disrespecfully about my old man like he does when it comes to the topic suicide. And I sort of repeat his mistake. I always fear I become similar ignorant as him. And I think on some issues I am similar ignorant already.
He is a mental wreck. He made a mistake at work which fucked up his employment. It changed him completely. I have the theory maybe his visit to my acute suicidality clinic changed him. I fear that. He had a real mental breakdown when he learned I almost killed myself. We hid it in front of my mom and grandma to protect them. A counterargument would be the mistake at work happened one year after my clinic stay. And from the things he told me about his workplace it seemed like he didn't give a shit anymore. And he had a they can't fire me attitude.
So my dad has the second clinic stay within 12 months. And as I learned today he was in a closed ward. I know the environment and this is a very scary experience. You meet a lot of psychotic people and that's often unpleasant. I was in such a closed psych ward during my first psychosis. When I told my dad about my psychosis afterwards he didn't believe that I had a psychosis. And he blamed my vivid fantasy mixed with too much reading on the internet about stuff that I don't get. This changed when he experienced the psychosis of my sister.
I suspect my dad is suicidal. And I understand that. He told me I was a great son, the best one can have because I don't pressure him to get better. I don't pressure him to go to work again. And well I don't do that because I know how counterproductive this is. I know this as a fact because my dad and my whole family did that with me when I was in college. I am a mental wreck for a longer time than him. And my dad kept pushing me to continue with college even after I almost killed myself because of college. He always wanted to talk with me about my plans for the future. And well this doesn't help if you don't have a future. And you are not able to change it. It was pretty insane my whole family kept pushing me to continue with college. I am not easy on myself. But I was collapsing. I had to go to a clinic so that they stop me from continuing college because I could not accept it. I told my family how horrible it made me feel and they just pushed me further and further. And well then I almost killed myself because the college torture deteriorated my mental health a lot. I had to abuse benzos over a long time to cope with the college stress to prevent another psychosis.
I feel sorry for my dad. I really do. I don't believe in karma. But I still have to say. I think sometimes only trading shoes with someone can make you realize how bad life for some people actually can be. My dad is also a voter of the far-right. And now when he lost his job suddenly he isn't agitating against unemployed people anymore.
This is a very common pattern for my dad. Really inappropriate and ignorant statements when someone commits suicide but he almost has a mental breakdown when he talks about having suicidal thoughts. I can remember when I was a little child. The German soccer goalie Robert Enke committed suicide. And my dad made jokes about him when we played with him on the video game console.
Moreover, I almost killed myself at the end of 2024. I had a clinic stay in a clinic for acute suicidal people. I ordered SN and almost took it. But my friends called the police and they interfered in my attempt. So my dad when he visited me at the clinic said something like "You must have told your friends something really scary so that they called the police on you. They probably overracted. Right?" And I was like no. I ordered a lethal poison and was about to take it. And this is why they called the police. My dad was shocked. He had a meltdown and said something like "I know you always talked about committing suicide but never in my life would I have imagined it that you actually would do it...." Bruh. I also got that vibe from my dad in the past. And I assured him I am not only talking about it I mean this seriously. But he didn't believe me.
I think my dad was somewhat suicidal in his life. He told me about it. And he described that he drove a car and he caught himself with the thought he would like to drive it against a tree. This was his rock bottom.
I don't want to talk disrespecfully about my old man like he does when it comes to the topic suicide. And I sort of repeat his mistake. I always fear I become similar ignorant as him. And I think on some issues I am similar ignorant already.
He is a mental wreck. He made a mistake at work which fucked up his employment. It changed him completely. I have the theory maybe his visit to my acute suicidality clinic changed him. I fear that. He had a real mental breakdown when he learned I almost killed myself. We hid it in front of my mom and grandma to protect them. A counterargument would be the mistake at work happened one year after my clinic stay. And from the things he told me about his workplace it seemed like he didn't give a shit anymore. And he had a they can't fire me attitude.
So my dad has the second clinic stay within 12 months. And as I learned today he was in a closed ward. I know the environment and this is a very scary experience. You meet a lot of psychotic people and that's often unpleasant. I was in such a closed psych ward during my first psychosis. When I told my dad about my psychosis afterwards he didn't believe that I had a psychosis. And he blamed my vivid fantasy mixed with too much reading on the internet about stuff that I don't get. This changed when he experienced the psychosis of my sister.
I suspect my dad is suicidal. And I understand that. He told me I was a great son, the best one can have because I don't pressure him to get better. I don't pressure him to go to work again. And well I don't do that because I know how counterproductive this is. I know this as a fact because my dad and my whole family did that with me when I was in college. I am a mental wreck for a longer time than him. And my dad kept pushing me to continue with college even after I almost killed myself because of college. He always wanted to talk with me about my plans for the future. And well this doesn't help if you don't have a future. And you are not able to change it. It was pretty insane my whole family kept pushing me to continue with college. I am not easy on myself. But I was collapsing. I had to go to a clinic so that they stop me from continuing college because I could not accept it. I told my family how horrible it made me feel and they just pushed me further and further. And well then I almost killed myself because the college torture deteriorated my mental health a lot. I had to abuse benzos over a long time to cope with the college stress to prevent another psychosis.
I feel sorry for my dad. I really do. I don't believe in karma. But I still have to say. I think sometimes only trading shoes with someone can make you realize how bad life for some people actually can be. My dad is also a voter of the far-right. And now when he lost his job suddenly he isn't agitating against unemployed people anymore.
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