WTF just happpened...

[noname223]

Today I had my seminar. Social anxiety was very high. Could barely speak a word. They must consider me weird.

Then I thought maybe I could go to my self-help group again. Last time an interesting new woman joined. (she looks pretty beautiful) She also had psychosis as I learned today.
Maybe it is paranoia once again. But I think the chemistry master student might want to couple us. I think though I had a bad breath again. Last week it was really not good I noticed that. I did some preparations for today but I think it was still bad. I hate myself for it.

I had the feeling the chemistry master student intentionally split the group so that I can be alone with the new woman. I did not understand her name though. The conversation was pretty good but damn I am pissed against myself for the bad breath. Next time chewing gum.

I am really surprised the chemistry master student acted that way. It is only a hypothesis though. The new woman looks really attractive. The thing is I did not freeze. I was able to speak with her. A normal conversation even a good one. Sometimes my social anxiety kicks in and ruins everything. Like I barely can speak words. But conversationally I was really good. If the chemistry master student really is behind that I am so grateful to her. And I sort of regret how bad I talked about her in this forum. I think though there was some truth that she acted in a manipulative way in the past towards me.

I think the lesson I learned from my past dating experiences. Don't get your hopes too high up. Just because a woman considers you interesting this does not mean much. She can change her mind quickly. One can never look in the mind of others. This was the second time we met. However, tbh she looks like my dream girl. And I have the feeling she has a good personality mixed with her outer appearance. Damn. If I ruin that I am in the mood to kill myself (once again). But this goes against the rules of too much hope. I don't have her phone number yet. I think we have a pretty good chemistry.

I wonder though how much the chemistry master student told her about me. This could make me paranoid. Because the coupling theory does not have that many clues.

I think the two conclusion are: Don't get paranoid. Please don't get paranoid. By the way the woman just stopped taking her antipsychotic medication. I told her this is very dangerous. I think most people get a rebound psychosis.

Second thing. And this goes against my urge to kill myself when I fuck it up. There are still chances that I get a gf. Miracles can happen. And I almost was in a relationship, maybe I was for like a day in February. I should postpone my plans to ctb. And still try to improve.

 

[Griever]

 

[anonymous2025]

Hey, if you get enough courage, talk to her, get to know her, then take it from there and eventually ask her out to dinner, make sure you floss first tho

 

[noname223]

I am living in the matrix. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am so on the edge stress wise. The day was insane. I fantasized the whole week about the woman from the self-help group. It looked like she would not come. And there was something inside myself that was relieved because I felt like I cannot take the tension. Because I am so so done with it. She was 10 minutes late.

I have to vent. But I don't even have the capacity to do that. I save my energy for something different. When I am under so much pressure I am doing mistakes. Like admitting in the group that I am fully financially dependent on my parents.

Bro I don't know what to do. I think I have to quit perfectionism. The thing is if I fuck it up with her which is under so much pressure likely I gonna be really really suicidal. It is too much too analyze. Too many things happened. Tomorrow I will see my therapist.

I think this all could contribute to me committing suicide soon. I thought I would stay away from it. Here is a summary of the day.

"So the day was rough thus far. My lecturer said he is not sure whether some texts were writen with the help of AI. And shortly afterwards I had the excercise to defend my paper in my course. I think my lecturer might notice I have social anxiety. I was not sure whether it was a test. In psychotic thoughts you often feel like someone is testing you.

I am such a mental wreck in this course. First I started unstable/shaky voice but I think I did my job very well. Made some minor mistakes. I got again the third best grade. I don't understand his criticism though. But holy shit this Was horrible for my mental health. It was real agony.

I had an interesting conversation in this course with a woman though. I had the feeling she might be interested in me. I think I do college Inter alia for increasing my chance on the dating market.

So I headed home. And now I head again to college to my self-help group. I am really interested in this one woman with psychosis.

You are right going to college is irrational. My therapist had this ridiculous idea the anxiety will become less. The opposite is the case. I will talk about it tomorrow with her."

"
Okay I was not sure what the reality is.

One thing is for sure. They try to ship us. The chemistry master student tries to couple us. And fuck I still don't know her name. I think I might could ask one of the people that try to ship us. I was too scared to ask for her phone number. We were alone. I said to her well we have a WhatsApp group and then her bus came. I am so stupid I should have asked earlier. We were Both baffled how they let us alone.

The really shitty thing. I think she thinks I am too dependent on my parents financially and that I will never have a job. But is the truth I tried to hide it. This is the issue with my openess. I don't know when to shut up.

I am so thankful to the chemistry master student but we all know I will fuck it up anyway.

I had the feeling the new woman had less interest today. And it means I am actually imprisoned in college when I don't want to look like a complete failure.

It is probably good being friends with women. They try to ship you even when you once dated.

It feels surreal for me.

There was plenty of time I had so much time to ask her for her number. But I did not know whether it was appropriate. I was a little bit stunned how obvious they want to couple us. (However now I more think she waited for it.) And I did not know whether this makes her uncomfortable. What if I don't get the Chance again? She was more quiet today."

My friends tell me I am too certain with the coupling thing.