Venting wtf is wrong with me

[puppybrained]

confession. i met my online boyfriend a week ago, and it has ruined our relationship.
before we met, i loved him, but i wasnt IN love with him. now i'm out of my mind in love with him. i'm completely obsessed with him. this would be a good thing, except for the fact that being in love makes me a deeply volatile insecure person. i love him so much it physically hurts, and i'm so overwhelmed by the feeling i go to extreme lengths to relieve the pressure. the worse part is the paranoia. i love him so much that i convince myself he doesn't love me at all. i take every slight, every criticism deeply to heart and use it as fuel for the fire. i convince myself he resents me, and i take it out on him. it got particularly bad today, and i think i've pushed him too far. i was so convinced he didnt love me, and the emotional pain was so extreme i completely self destructed. i ended up snorting pills to feel better, after which i spent 8 hours having a meltdown. i ignored him, bawled my eyes out, yelled at him for not loving me, and then in a desperate attempt to get him to care about me, i destroyed my wrist and made my bathroom look like a murder scene. even though i didnt tell him about this, i came close to taking 14 pills in the hopes that if i od'd he'd care.
8 hours of this. 8 fucking hours.
if he didn't hate me before i'm pretty sure he does now. in the process of desperately trying to make him prove his love, i really did ruin my relationship.
now i don't know what to do. now i've made it worse. i know it's going to happen again. it's going to boil over. i know he hates me now.
he thinks im manipulative, i guess i am even though i didn't do this with the intent of manipulating him. i genuinely was afraid, but forcing him to prove his love for me is by all means pretty manipulative.
is it completely fucked? can our relationship be repaired? i don't even know if i can promise it won't happen again. what the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Sounds like BPD. Did you ever get tested?

 

[puppybrained]

Sounds like BPD. Did you ever get tested?

i don't really know how to go about it, most psychiatrists i've seen avoid talking about bpd like the plague. i've had therapists tell me they think i have bpd traits though.

 

[amnesia999]

confession. i met my online boyfriend a week ago, and it has ruined our relationship.
before we met, i loved him, but i wasnt IN love with him. now i'm out of my mind in love with him. i'm completely obsessed with him. this would be a good thing, except for the fact that being in love makes me a deeply volatile insecure person. i love him so much it physically hurts, and i'm so overwhelmed by the feeling i go to extreme lengths to relieve the pressure. the worse part is the paranoia. i love him so much that i convince myself he doesn't love me at all. i take every slight, every criticism deeply to heart and use it as fuel for the fire. i convince myself he resents me, and i take it out on him. it got particularly bad today, and i think i've pushed him too far. i was so convinced he didnt love me, and the emotional pain was so extreme i completely self destructed. i ended up snorting pills to feel better, after which i spent 8 hours having a meltdown. i ignored him, bawled my eyes out, yelled at him for not loving me, and then in a desperate attempt to get him to care about me, i destroyed my wrist and made my bathroom look like a murder scene. even though i didnt tell him about this, i came close to taking 14 pills in the hopes that if i od'd he'd care.
8 hours of this. 8 fucking hours.
if he didn't hate me before i'm pretty sure he does now. in the process of desperately trying to make him prove his love, i really did ruin my relationship.
now i don't know what to do. now i've made it worse. i know it's going to happen again. it's going to boil over. i know he hates me now.
he thinks im manipulative, i guess i am even though i didn't do this with the intent of manipulating him. i genuinely was afraid, but forcing him to prove his love for me is by all means pretty manipulative.
is it completely fucked? can our relationship be repaired? i don't even know if i can promise it won't happen again. what the hell is wrong with me?

I don't know what's wrong with you, but a licensed therapist surely might. (These days it seems like the therapists do the talking and the psychiatrists do the pill dispensing.) That'd be my advice -- go tell a therapist the entire story, and then listen to their professional opinion.

 

[Sabitsuki]

It does sound like Borderline, regretfully psyche industry tends to be really bad helping the PD's and it can take a lot of tries to get a proper diagnosis and support/actual working meds.
I would recommend lurking forums n such for people with BPD, and seeing if you can connect/relate. If you do go through with getting psychiatric help, change provider as soon as you start to feel they're dismissive of you or just biased.

Avoid general google searches, impersonal sounding articles, "how to deal with insert illness here people", social media therapists/anyone who seems like they're writing about mental health for clicks/entertainment in the least.
If you start hearing stuff like "Empath/dark empath" or too much obsession with "how to a spot an x" or "I'm not x but I did some research and-" stay away.

I can't give much in the way of relationship advice but you actually recognized your actions were controlling and you're not making any excuses. Whether your relationship can be repaired depends on the person but I wish you the best.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry you went through that, it does sound like BPD. I second what another member said about talking to a licensed therapist, psychiatrist won't help that much, they're just useful to get pills from and that's it.

I think your relationship can be repaired. You have the capacity to acknowledge that what you did was wrong and that it can be perceived as manipulative. You have a lot of insight and that goes a long way.

I recommend being open with your boyfriend and telling him everything you told us. If he is a reasonable person like you, he will understand the struggle and may be able to help curb your obsession. Communication is a very powerful thing, a lot of things can be solved or at least understood with honest and open dialogue.

Since you mentioned you felt what you did could be seen as manipulative, I want you to know you're not a bad person for having done what you did. In the past I was like you and this all comes from desperation of needing to feel loved and having 10000% certainty that the person won't leave, that he loves you and cares about you. Feeling so lost that he is the pillar of your life and without him you're nothing. This is how I felt.

Try to take things as calmly as you can, give yourself some time to breathe as you've been through a lot, and then have an honest conversation with him about everything. I wish you all the best

 

[puppybrained]

I'm sorry you went through that, it does sound like BPD. I second what another member said about talking to a licensed therapist, psychiatrist won't help that much, they're just useful to get pills from and that's it.

I think your relationship can be repaired. You have the capacity to acknowledge that what you did was wrong and that it can be perceived as manipulative. You have a lot of insight and that goes a long way.

I recommend being open with your boyfriend and telling him everything you told us. If he is a reasonable person like you, he will understand the struggle and may be able to help curb your obsession. Communication is a very powerful thing, a lot of things can be solved or at least understood with honest and open dialogue.

Since you mentioned you felt what you did could be seen as manipulative, I want you to know you're not a bad person for having done what you did. In the past I was like you and this all comes from desperation of needing to feel loved and having 10000% certainty that the person won't leave, that he loves you and cares about you. Feeling so lost that he is the pillar of your life and without him you're nothing. This is how I felt.

Try to take things as calmly as you can, give yourself some time to breathe as you've been through a lot, and then have an honest conversation with him about everything. I wish you all the best

this was actually very helpful. unfortunately i think we both need time before i can really go into how i feel, i don't think he'd want to hear any excuses or explanations right now. i do want to be open with him though, and in the past i've struggled to do that.
i think he's giving me a second chance at least, so i do have the opportunity to try and fix this. i'm honestly just scared it's going to happen again, i really don't know how to stop these feelings. i'm going to talk to my therapist about it, hopefully it helps.
thank you for the advice.

 

[Voyage]

I agree that this sounds like BPD and a licensed therapist can help.
These very intense emotions must be exhausting for the both of you.
It always requires a lot of work to maintain a relationship, BPD people are in a dilemma between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment (being too close). If you find yourself feeling cold toward him down the line, know that it's possibly a phase (consult your therapist).