Venting CTB Guilt While In a Relationship

[perfectparting]

I'm planning to ctb by hanging this weekend, I know my boyfriend won't be able to know I'm doing this at the specific time I picked. But I can't help but feel guilty. I feel bad that when he comes back after the weekend the first thing he'll see is my note. He's the only reason I'm writing a note, I don't want anything unanswered for him. This burden of guilt is kind of making me not want to ctb. I know his mental health is bad too and I don't want to make it worse. I love this guy. I wanted to see how much my attempt would work so I did a "test" last night. While I felt my throat tighten up I couldn't help but freak out. I'm worried this guilt will get in the way of SI.

 

[deniskirkmanmoriart]

I'm planning to ctb by hanging this weekend, I know my boyfriend won't be able to know I'm doing this at the specific time I picked. But I can't help but feel guilty. I feel bad that when he comes back after the weekend the first thing he'll see is my note. He's the only reason I'm writing a note, I don't want anything unanswered for him. This burden of guilt is kind of making me not want to ctb. I know his mental health is bad too and I don't want to make it worse. I love this guy. I wanted to see how much my attempt would work so I did a "test" last night. While I felt my throat tighten up I couldn't help but freak out. I'm worried this guilt will get in the way of SI.

Have a similar issue with my partner. Idk how old you are, and how long you've circled & come back to ctb but I assume it's been serious given the intent.

What I've landed on after struggling to fight this for literally half my life now/since 16, If conventional therapy and medication hasn't meaningfully broken you out of this pattern, there is no reason to believe some magical thing will come along and fix it. By extension.. you can either ctb now and let partner deal with the trauma of this upfront, or live a life compromised by this and let it drag him down for as long as you keep trying to fight the urge. But you can't just live for his sake. You're brave for dealing with what must be dealt with and putting a hard stop on the pain you feel.