How to comfort someone?

[yume_]

So, I started thinking about this after a friend of mine started to vent to me.

He first started talking love talk, how he really liked this girl and how their relationship was going to shit.

I was thinking and even said to him that he was asking the worst person for this. I have no experience in love and have always been running away just so I can't be hurt.

There were many silent moments during this and it was very uncomfortable in general. But like, I can't give any advices as I just have no experience in this.

Later, he talked about how shitty his life has been and all the things he suffered from, like losing close relatives. Btw, I'm also the worst person to talk about this, my relationship with relatives is completely non-existent.


I read a lot of posts here, and people suffer a lot, I guess if they didn't they wouldn't be here. I think people here on sasu are pretty nice, I actually want to talk more to you guys, but I have no idea how to comfort someone, especially when I haven't passed through the same experience.

My friend later said that talking to me helped, but I can't feel like that helped at all. I guess being heard is already something, but I wanted to help more, maybe give advices? But I also don't want to fake understanding or to give bad advice.

So I ask you guys, how to comfort someone?

 

[NihilDoll]

I can only speak for myself obviously, but the most comforting thing is understanding and the truth.
This is where SaSu shines in my opinion. SaSu is a place where you can take of the mask. Where you can speak your mind about whatever is on your mind.
And it is a place where people can face the truth without judgement.

Believe me, talking *does* help tremendously, when it reaches someone who understands.
Talking from mask to mask isn't helpful, in some cases, it makes things even worse because it drives the point home just how fake everything has become.

But being able to openly speak your mind, no filter, no moral judgement, and just getting honest feedback, even if said feedback might sting... for me, it has been the biggest healing factor.
If you can't give advice, if you don't know what to say, saying just that is actually more than enough.
You listen, you understand and no one expects you to be the solution to every problem. And you don't need to be.
Be honest, just listening is already more than many are willing to offer.

 

[idfwlnh]

But being able to openly speak your mind, no filter, no moral judgement, and just getting honest feedback, even if said feedback might sting... for me, it has been the biggest healing factor.

At times, on messages, just by "listening", it feels empty somehow I'm not sure. But then I'm not sure what to say, like, am I supposed to encourage their idea or something? It is kinda clear that just making them talk all the way and we don't say anything feels like we don't care enough

 

[NihilDoll]

At times, on messages, just by "listening", it feels empty somehow I'm not sure. But then I'm not sure what to say, like, am I supposed to encourage their idea or something? It is kinda clear that just making them talk all the way and we don't say anything feels like we don't care enough

Sometimes, just saying things for the sake of saying things feels a lot emptier than just saying "I understand, i don't know what to say, but i'm always here to listen".
Empty words are much more silent than unspoken sympathy.

 

[idfwlnh]

Sometimes, just saying things for the sake of saying things feels a lot emptier than just saying "I understand, i don't know what to say, but i'm always here to listen".
Empty words are much more silent than unspoken sympathy.

Ahh I see, much appreciated!

 

[yume_]

If you can't give advice, if you don't know what to say, saying just that is actually more than enough.
You listen, you understand and no one expects you to be the solution to every problem. And you don't need to be.
Be honest, just listening is already more than many are willing to offer.

Yeah, Ig being honest is the best to do in these situations.

I wanted to be more helpful, but until I have actual good advice I'll stick to listening.

Do you have advice to not be awkward in these kind of situations? Or is it just a natural thing?

My social anxiety shines in these moments lol

 

[NihilDoll]

Yeah, Ig being honest is the best to do in these situations.

I wanted to be more helpful, but until I have actual good advice I'll stick to listening.

Do you have advice to not be awkward in these kind of situations? Or is it just a natural thing?

My social anxiety shines in these moments lol

Sadly, no
I have Aspergers, i'm pretty much hard-coded to being socially awkward :3
I personally made a habit of being very upfront with it. I just tell people "I don't know what to say" or "I can't really handle that (say, when a compliment comes my way).
It will never be really easy, social anxieties are like getting a lion to jump through burning hoops sometimes.

The best thig i found, at least for me, is to be honest up-front. It gives me a solid, internal foundation. It takes away a lot of my internal guesswork if what i said or did came off the way i intended it to be. Now they know things may sound awkward, but are meant in good will.
It doesn't make things necessarily easy, but a lot more predictable for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It can help tremendously just to be able to vent to someone who is willing to listen to it all. I think sometimes, just the recognition that we are struggling in life is enough.

With regards to giving advice though- I think everyone is different. So- responses that may help someone may not help another. I prefer my struggles to be validated. So- someone recognizing something is difficult for me comforts me. For a friend though, it tended to have the opposite effect of making them think they did in fact have something very serious to worry about. So- maybe part of it is trying to figure out what supports them best.

Maybe you could look at asking them more questions as oppossed to trying to give advice. What are they hoping for with this girl? Do they get to see them much? Do they talk to them? What is it they like about them so much? When I had crushes on people, I was so desperate to talk about them.

Some things don't really have solutions though. We can't bring loved ones back from the dead. I also think it's fine to say that you want to be able to relate to them to better support them but, you haven't had those experiences in your life. I'm sure your friend appreciates that you want to support them.

 

[Redacted24]

For me, it's a huge comfort just to feel like someone heard me. Listened. Was there.

I don't expect any solutions or suggestions. Condolences. Recommendations.

Just someone listening, actively, maybe asking questions. Engaging. Honestly.

It helps me feel less, alone.
That there's one someone out there that's willing to hear me.

That's what is the most precious thing for me.

 

[bpdscared9]

I've been in this field for a long time and I get both point of view on this. First, don't feel pressured to reassure the person in the moment, sometimes people only needs to be heard and held, that's all. Others may request a bit more of affection.

It depends if your friend is physically with you, a hug, a soft pat on his shoulder, offering him some candy, something to eat, maybe a drink, water may help during those moments. Also allowing the person to vent, cry or anything, you can offer him your shoulder, you don't have to touch or return any touch you don't feel comfortable with, remember your own boundaries too. But mostly, some words about encouragement as 'you're doing really great', 'you got this', 'you're trying your best in this or that' would help in the moment, also remind him that you're also proud of him for anything he's been going through with his partner or daily life works.

Venting may be awkward sometimes, a hug, some good words and a candy can solve the day!

 

[sadbh]

Just to hijack this thread, sometimes I think I'm so bad at comforting people.

I try to not give unwarranted advice. Validating feelings is probably what most people want. Not making about yourself or relating too much is probably a good idea.

But sometimes, even though I care a lot, I just don't know what to say and don't feel good enough at being supportive.

 

[Remus72]

Honestly, you probably helped more than you think. Most people don't actually need perfect advice.. they just need someone to listen and not judge them. The fact that you stayed, even through the awkward silence, already means a lot.

You don't need the same experiences to be supportive. Simple things like "that sounds really tough" or "I'm here for you" go a long way. You're not there to fix their problems, just to make them feel less alone, and you did that.

 

[seeyoulater26]

Just having someone listen to us rant is loads of help. You probably did wonders not giving any advice at all. Sometimes, when we're already having a hard time, we need comfort, not fixing. You, just by being there and listening, offered that kind of care to your friend. That's why they thanked you. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You did good.

If I may share, asking them follow up questions helps too. Usually, questions allow our friends to share and open up more. That helps release the heavy feeling they're carrying inside. Just please be mindful and gentle with the questions. Keep in mind that they might be in a fragile state. Kindness goes a long away. But I trust you already know your friend very well so you are aware of the boundaries to what you can ask.

I really hope this helps. You're a thoughtful friend.

 

[pelicanportal]

legitimately, having recieved and provided this, being able to vent to someone without feeling like they will leave you or end the friendship or judge you harshly for it means a lot to people.