i was fully prepared to take sn today at 11pm. and now i feel really ambivalent about it as you know survival instinct but like everyone has that. and i feel like perhaps i can just tolerate all the unpleasant things in my life but im tired of doing this, it's preferable to just not have to exp all bad things that happen in life than invest energy coping tolerating solving. im also an attention seeker and i feel ill be missing out on attention by not "reaching out" but like my need for attention never feels satisfied and obviously ppl will stop taking you seriously if you keep doing it so it's not sustainable. This may sound horrible/cringe/teenage angst to some of you but I also want ppl to critically evaluate how they treated me and realise how much seriously I was struggling (through like wtv investigation&inquest happens after my death and the guilt ppl feel after a suicide) despite my best efforts to do this while alive. I know that makes no sense as ill be dead so won't be able to experience it - so that's a type of "attention" i'd enjoy the anticipation of while dying.
but like idk if the ambivalence is enough reason not to do it as that's inevitable making any big decision.
but like idk if the ambivalence is enough reason not to do it as that's inevitable making any big decision.
Last edited:
