Venting Wrapped in my dissociation, blocking my escape

[Chemi]

Here I am, sprawled across the bed like a forgotten shadow, the hours slipping through my fingers as I drift into my beloved dreams of vanishing. Hoping to escape from the weight that presses me down into submission. Everything is prepared for my escape. Messages to friends and loved ones written, SN Meds and Drugs ready and in arm's reach, belongings organized in case someone finds them later, and stuff thrown away that I don't want people to see.

But I still can't motivate myself to go through with it. I dream about it constantly, but I'm just too lazy and too depressed to act. Ctb seems so stressful and exhausting, I can't even get out of bed to get it over with. I lie here, suspended, while the world spins on without me.

I feel like I have nothing left and I've made peace with hurting my friends and family. They know about my mental health issues, so it wouldn't be a huge surprise if I passed. They know the storms raging in my mind. The constant battle with myself. My passing wouldn't shatter the sky, just ripple through the familiar gray.

Yet I am wrapped in my dissociation, locked in this invisible cage that stops me from following my dreams.
I'm just hoping for a manic episode, like a spark, giving me energy and carrying me over the brink so I can finally leave this place.

I feel so useless, like a piece of furniture sitting in the corner, slowly rotting away. I can't change my fate. If only my body could move, find some energy and mix up that drink.
Maybe then, I would finally find my tranquility.

 

[Mooncry]

Excuse me, sir or madam, stop pretending to be me. >:U

Jk, jk… This is literally me though, every word. I severely underestimated the amount of mental effort required to go through with killing myself. Now I just overthink what it will be like when it inevitably happens, because I know it will. I'm just stuck in this limbo where I need a little push to do it, like you said. I've read many people's experiences here with their attempts and they say "one day, I just knew that it was my time," and I'm like… okay, so where's my eureka moment? When do I get mine?? :/

I'm getting there. I have a strong feeling that I won't make it to next year. I just kind of… know. I'm not sure if it's just wishful thinking, but I hope it turns out to be true. Sorry you're in the same spot, by the way. Nobody could have prepared me for what making the decision to CTB would actually be like. Everyone always made it sound like it was this easy thing that people just choose because it's simple, nothing to it. Well, it's been pretty far from it for me… I've spiraled back and forth through the stages of grief god knows how many times at this point. I got my SN a year ago and I'm still here.

 

[Chemi]

Excuse me, sir or madam, stop pretending to be me. >:U

Haha, thank you for making me giggle a little. A nice change of my mood for once. (It would be madam btw, if we happen to bump more into each other in the future )

And yes, i totally understand you. Been lurking SaSu for a while and got my SN back in March. Been procrastinating mixing up the SN ever since and decided i might as well make an account if it's taking that bloody long for me to commit

Wishing you good luck on whatever you may decide to do before this year ends