Venting wow i wanna die (fork found in kitchen)

[imaspacedog]

idk. life fucking sucks. im 21 and im going nowhere. just backwards. im schizophrenic, depressed, suffer from cptsd and god probably other things i dont know. its taking way too long to get into therapy and idk what to do. ptsd has been making me more suicidal than i want to admit. idk why. i have some sick tragic past that i hate talking about. makes me sound like a pity case. my mom tried to kill me as a child. so did my dad. and thats just the light stuff. everyday i wish it worked. i was almost successful doing it myself back in 2016. i was 11. shitty lil revolver. it was my mothers. something? someone? stopped me that day and has been saving me ever since. it pisses me off. im grateful and yet so so angry. ive had plenty of attempts after this throughout my life. pills. lots and lots of pills. too many times to count. suffocation. blunt force trauma. it all ends the same. i throw a fit until everything goes black. i wake up in my own vomit. and just go about my day like nothing happened. im convinced its this force, this hallucination stopping me and saving me everytime. the same one from what was supposed to be my fateful day. idk im rambling i sound retarded. i want this thing to stop saving me. i want to die so fucking bad. yet i want help. i want anything that could save me. i wamt therapy. i want to talk to someone that knows how to save me. idk.