Would you if you were me? Most toxic person in the world.

[ostsrsbs]

Going to try to keep this concise and coherent. The main question: would you CTB in my situation?

26, male, UK. Have a wonderful partner but beyond that, basically no friends. Illnesses: likely a covert narcissist with hints of BPD and depression and anxiety too, as well as a LOT of sexual issues and rejection issues. My last proper attempt was in ~ 2014.

I have an appalling reputation amongst hundreds of people. I've harassed , stalked, gaslighted and been shit to DOZENS of people, almost everyone who's ever met me will warn you about me. I was the creep who'd get rejected and then harass and guilt you and make more accounts when blocked. In several communities I've been in (fetlife, polyamory, and most recently feabie), it has all fucked up for me. Girls have came out saying I was shit to them and the community organisers have seen the messages and kicked me out. I fucked up with my friends at school, I fucked up with my housemates at uni for another situation, spent three years after uni without a job, and now here I am (thankfully with a job and an amazing partner).

In 2018 three posts came out on fetlife about my disgusting online behaviour to people in the local community and I was banned from munches. Several people have trauma because of me, someone told me months ago (after accidentally liking their photo on insta) that they'd tried to kill themselves because of me. Another one told me that she thinks about me every single day and won't be able to get past that. It's really fucked up.

I had therapy for a long time. I thought I'd gotten better. Last month after months and months of arguments with my dad and repeatedly phoning the police on each other , he was like "well I'll just kick you out" and I had the nerve to laugh at him and say "no you won't" and then the next day he gave me my one months notice (I deserved that but yeah, I'm homeless Friday).

I feel like a rotten egg. I feel like I need to be put down. I got a voice message the other day saying that the person made an excuse not to see me IRL because if I can't take no for an answer online (I was bad to her) , she's scared that I wouldn't be able to take no for an answer IRL. I force myself into situations, when I then got told my a member of the group that the person was in that I wasn't welcome at the meet next Saturday because , after I spent a while talking about my atheism and how crystals are useless after a girl was disgusting her spirituality, a few women messaged her about how obsessive and weird id been to them. When she said I wasn't welcome at the meet, I kept insisting that since it was at a club, I'd still be coming with my partner. I cannot deal with rejection. I manipulate, emotionally abuse, and claim "but this" "but that". The excuses never stop. First it was anxiety, depression, BPD, and now maybe autism?

In my heart I'm a good person, with a good heart and want everyone to be happy. I have a genuinely amazing gorgeous partner and she deserves so much better. It's chaos around the house lately, "nobody wants you"- I've told my mother that I'm feeling suicidal and all she can say is "well it's your own behaviour that's making everyone not like you". I've just came upstairs and wept. I need to go. Total rotten egg, totally need to be put down. My partner insists I'm good to her, and when I'm with her I feel happy and like I could make a future. But after a long time of therapy I thought I was finally better, and yet the other day with that group meet and what people have said, I realise I'm doing the EXACT behaviours I did before. ANOTHER community where I've been kicked out of for being unsafe to women, entitled and manipulative and guilting.

I have an AWFUL reputation and HUNDREDS of people have very strong bad memories because of me. Honestly feel like the most toxic person in the world. I'm 26. I've hurt more people than anyone should in ten lifetimes.

Would you CTB in my situation?

Please , please, PLEASE no horrible comments.

Update : I'm in an open relationship, which is why i'm on all these other apps, with her permission!

 

[whatevs]

No. You have someone in your life that appreciates you. If you feel so guilty about how you have been I would try to be a better person going onwards and always remember that at least one person has a good opinion of me. This is very important for people like us.

And I don't buy the idea of the altruistic suicide and much less from a fellow narc. If you do it you do it for you, don't bullshit us with the good Samaritan self-removal to help everyone by getting rid of you. The real reason why you'd do it is because you're sick of being yourself, not because you think you are toxic.

Honestly it sounds like you are pretty screwed (along with many of the people that mingled with you), but as I said at least someone really likes you, it's not all failure. That's a support you can use to change for the better.

 

[Lullaby]

It takes a lot to get to the point where you can recognize your wrongdoings and admit them.

I've met a lot of manipulators, liars, narcissists, etc. Even after reconnecting with them, they were never able to just own up to what they did.

You're able to do that and it's a really big thing. I personally feel like it's not the end and you can really continue growing from this. It sounds like your environment at home isn't helping your mind state at all, firstly. I think once you get away from that, it could improve things for you.

It also sounds like you have a partner who genuinely cares and wants you around, and it seems like it's very mutual. Hold onto that feeling of wanting to build a life with her.

You're not an irredeemable person.

 

[ostsrsbs]

It takes a lot to get to the point where you can recognize your wrongdoings and admit them.

I've met a lot of manipulators, liars, narcissists, etc. Even after reconnecting with them, they were never able to just own up to what they did.

You're able to do that and it's a really big thing. I personally feel like it's not the end and you can really continue growing from this. It sounds like your environment at home isn't helping your mind state at all, firstly. I think once you get away from that, it could improve things for you.

It also sounds like you have a partner who genuinely cares and wants you around, and it seems like it's very mutual. Hold onto that feeling of wanting to build a life with her.

You're not an irredeemable person.

I've admitted my problems for years though. I am SO self-aware. I just cannot fucking change. I admit my problems easily, and I still keep repeating the mistakes. I've had therapy. I know about distraction techniques. And yet I still repeat the mistakes. Look at what I said about insisting I'd still be attending the club- I have no intention of going (I hate clubs), and yet I said it to hurt/make the organiser uncomfortable. I cannot claim I am not malicious and it's actions like that which prove that a) I've not changed at all, since I did the same shit years ago just to make people anxious, and b) maybe I'm not so good-hearted after all.

No. You have someone in your life that appreciates you. If you feel so guilty about how you have been I would try to be a better person going onwards and always remember that at least one person has a good opinion of me. This is very important for people like us.

And I don't buy the idea of the altruistic suicide and much less from a fellow narc. If you do it you do it for you, don't bullshit us with the good Samaritan self-removal to help everyone by getting rid of you. The real reason why you'd do it is because you're sick of being yourself, not because you think you are toxic.

Honestly it sounds like you are pretty screwed (along with many of the people that mingled with you), but as I said at least someone really likes you, it's not all failure. That's a support you can use to change for the better.

Thanks for the comment. I want to disagree about you disagreeing with the altruistic suicide thing, but idk anymore. I hate myself so much and yet I love myself. I think I'm a fat ugly person who can't get anyone to like him and yet I think I'm cute as fuck and why wouldn't someone like me. I'm a ball of self-pity

I know that when i'm with my partner, I don't need attention from anyone else, I don't need to be involved in these communities any more, it can be just me and her. But i cannot get over 26 years of shittiness and none of those women who have trauma because of me will be able to, too

 

[Lullaby]

I've admitted my problems for years though. I am SO self-aware. I just cannot fucking change. I admit my problems easily, and I still keep repeating the mistakes. I've had therapy. I know about distraction techniques. And yet I still repeat the mistakes. Look at what I said about insisting I'd still be attending the club- I have no intention of going (I hate clubs), and yet I said it to hurt/make the organiser uncomfortable. I cannot claim I am not malicious and it's actions like that which prove that a) I've not changed at all, since I did the same shit years ago just to make people anxious, and b) maybe I'm not so good-hearted after all.

You can absolutely change, it's not impossible. The things is, it's really goddamn hard and uncomfortable; it's like tearing yourself apart from the inside or shedding new skin. It's not easy, especially when you've been doing the same thing for so long.

I think that things can improve at some point, but at the end of the day, only you can decide what you want to do and what you feel is best.

 

[bing]

You have a partner…what more do you want

 

[ostsrsbs]

You have a partner…what more do you want

My partner is amazing but she's not the cure to all of my issues (and shouldn't be).

What more do I want? To start over, to redo my life, to switch brains with someone who was mentally healthy, and to have another chance and a clean reputation, to not have hurt any body, and to not continue to.

 

[bing]

My partner is amazing but she's not the cure to all of my issues (and shouldn't be).

What more do I want? To start over, to redo my life, to switch brains with someone who was mentally healthy, and to have another chance and a clean reputation, to not have hurt any body, and to not continue to.

Then move states and start over with your gf.

 

[ostsrsbs]

Then move states and start over with your g

Doesn't change anything though

 

[bing]

Doesn't change anything though

I think you may be searching for something that isn't there then

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I think it's really good that you recognize your flaws - yes, changing those flaws is the most difficult part of things, but it is doable, even if little by little.

Do you want to ctb? I ask because, it sounds like you believe you'd be doing a mercy to the world if you were not in it, or perhaps as a form of final atonement - but is that what you want? It sounds as though you are truly happy with your partner, and that you do have an earnest desire to change. If atonement is your goal, that is something you could still do while living.

Coming from someone who lived with an extremely volatile emotionally abusive person for years, I do not wish death on him. There were times when I saw the good in him, and while I have no desire to see him ever again, I hope he's improving in life. He absolutely lacked all self awareness, though, so who knows, aha.

But, I think starting over is a possibility for you, if that's what you wish. As others have said, you could move, try different therapists/ medication, if you're interested in that - there are lots that can be done.

Sorry to soapbox for a second there, aha. I wish you luck and happiness. ^^

 

[ostsrsbs]

I think it's really good that you recognize your flaws - yes, changing those flaws is the most difficult part of things, but it is doable, even if little by little.

Do you want to ctb? I ask because, it sounds like you believe you'd be doing a mercy to the world if you were not in it, or perhaps as a form of final atonement - but is that what you want? It sounds as though you are truly happy with your partner, and that you do have an earnest desire to change. If atonement is your goal, that is something you could still do while living.

Coming from someone who lived with an extremely volatile emotionally abusive person for years, I do not wish death on him. There were times when I saw the good in him, and while I have no desire to see him ever again, I hope he's improving in life. He absolutely lacked all self awareness, though, so who knows, aha.

But, I think starting over is a possibility for you, if that's what you wish. As others have said, you could move, try different therapists/ medication, if you're interested in that - there are lots that can be done.

Sorry to soapbox for a second there, aha. I wish you luck and happiness. ^^

I understand one of the comments above where the user stated that they don't genuinely believe that the reason I want to CTB is because of me wanting to do it altruistically , which may be the case (for example I've struggled with suicidal thoughts all my life and my last attempts were before ANY of this toxicity).

I want to kill that part of me and start afresh

 

[ostsrsbs]

Woken up for the past few days and feeling practically sick still.