Venting would it be cruel to send no one in my life a note because i don't think it matters now?

[eggsausagerice]

i'm living to see the chiikawa movie in theaters, the mob psycho 10th anniversary, and end of evangelion in theaters on the 22th. i don't seem to care that much about these things, since i planned on dying in march/april, and even before that i planned on dying last june but i failed because i was too scared to hang myself. i mostly feel guilty that i haven't done it because i feel like i was suicide baiting when i was completely serious. i'm worried about attracting people who have a savior complex.

because of my apathy towards most things in my life these days, i don't seem to be as interested in writing a general suicide note or individual suicide notes anymore, because when i think about what to write it just feels completely meaningless to me if the people i know or used to know will just read it and then forget about it later, or think i was being dramatic when they could've stopped being depressed if they were in my shoes. people have tried to give me advice and to tell me my life's worth living because i'm young, but i really don't think that i'm capable of doing anything with my life beyond this point. i struggle to make friends and i usually turn people down that ask me for my social media if they want to talk to me. whenever i think about writing a suicide note that isn't just a few sentences, i wonder why anyone would care enough to read so many words from me when all they really need to know is that i killed myself and that's it.

i'm worried of making it seem like my problems are more important than other people's just because i killed myself. even if i'm dead, my problems still aren't that important. i'm just an unemployed neet with bad social skills that can't drive, and my insecurity makes me cut off most of the people in my life or resent them. sometimes i feel scared of committing suicide, but these days i just feel like living is meaningless if i can't enjoy my hobbies or the company of other people, even if they're just texting me. my inability to have fun and relax makes me hate myself. maybe the remaining friends in my life will miss me when i'm dead and wish that i was around, but if i'm being honest, the only reason i'm keeping in contact with them is to avoid suspicion about my mental health. i feel like i just want to stay inside because i have a hard time acting happy in front of people now. everything feels so tedious and draining to me. nothing's exciting. sometimes it feels like never telling my friends i did it would be kinder than having to tell them i've been feeling miserable for the past 3 years.

 

[sadbh]

I'm not writing a long note, but saying sorry and thank you to friends who may not hear of my passing, so they know I didn't ghost them.

 

[mutsu]

i'm worried of making it seem like my problems are more important than other people's just because i killed myself.

i feel like your problems definetly do matter since your problems lead you to ctb while others are still around, though i know how hard that can be especially since a lot of us struggle with self hatred,, suicide often gets pushed as a very individualistic struggle when most of the time its not one person struggling with themselves, but rather one person struggling against a collapsing societal system that fundamentally doesn't support us.


i believe your problems are individual and should matter but suicide notes don't need to be long or particularly thorough, i personally will be leaving notes that are more just to thank specific people in my lives and apologize for the things ive done. though i might leave a general note as well explaning how i got to where i am just in case my loved ones would want to know

 

[slowlybreaking]

i wouldn't say necessarily cruel but honestly i do think your problems matter and like mutsu said, suicide notes don't have to be long; i would try to leave some at the very least, specially to the ones who were important to me in my last moments. i'm struggling with writing one myself but i don't want to leave anyone out, my boyfriend committed almost three weeks ago and his best friend was destroyed after finding out he didn't leave him anything despite being with him the last days of his life (he pushed me away two weeks prior and we agreed to go no contact, i was completely clueless i know). whether it was because he forgot, he couldn't think about anything, he already told him how he felt while still living or any other reasons, we'll never have the answer to that, and that'll probably haunt him for the rest of his grief.

but i'm projecting a little too much here, my take is that you should try to write at least a few and maybe a general one too saying that you might not be able to write to everyone and for them to not take it personal.

p.s.: i'm waiting to see the chiikawa movie too before ctb as many other projects i've suddenly been more productive on after my boyfriend's suicide. i was expecting to go see it with him, but life had different plans for us.