MissWannaLive
Member
- May 1, 2025
- 30
I am fully aware it's not really a suicide topic but I have no other place nor anyone else to talk about it. And I think in a way it connects anyway to my mental health.
Now it took me a long time to make the realization, i think my brain was also in a way blocking all those thoughts. Maybe as to not let me be even more confused. But they finally came to light and I'm doubting myself. This also takes a lot from me to actually write it. Due to that I'm sorry for all mistakes and if it will be chaotic.
To be clear I was born as afab. However all my life I've never really fit into the category. I was the least feminine, never liking all the stereotypical things that came with it. I even feel disgusted at the concept of me being feminine and fully presenting that way.
It had been also a few years since I've began to use Any/All pronouns and yet I'm quite disappointed? that people chose to refer to me as only she/her. I know that by writing any/all I agree to everything and I'm comfortable with everything but the feeling remains. Kinda as if I expected something different, maybe that people would see me differently or use the opportunity I give them to do so.
It especially bugged me in most of my past relationships. I never really liked myself in the "traditional" female role there too. I tend to take more of a masculine role or at least want to. Only recently I have noticed that though, in full picture. I even realized that one of my past lesbian relationships break up could have that intertwined in it, without my prior knowledge. As in when talking with my ex about our preferences (at the time) I expressed that if I wasn't with her as BI I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship with a guy, while she said that she is fully lesbian (which was fine, I don't shame my ex for that here). But in a way that I didn't see back then I think that part hurt me because she said she wouldn't want to be with a guy. A bit of subconscious feeling that took time for me to understand.
It also confuses me more that I'm definitely more positive whenever someone mistakes me for a guy. Confuses since all those little things seemed to gather through my life until they formed one giant pile for me to decipher.
It also weights heavy on me because while I often feel unfit for the world we live in, as in I wasn't supposed to be here. before I didn't focus that much on myself. While I was never entirely happy with how I am (looks, etc), for most part it was the world around me that made me stick out. Now I cannot get rid off the feeling in the back of my mind, as if the image of my own self was cracked too. A misfit to my whole existence. The more I think about it the more I feel uncomfortable and unsure. Especially since I feel like it's a bit too late for such things for me. In the very adult age it just seems weird to have the image of yourself suddenly be torn into pieces and formed into a giant pile of doubts, whether you actually always were like this or if for some reason I'm just so lost I'm making those feelings up.
I think I just feel ashamed for some reason. Ashamed and lost since the one thing that was more or less stable, my identity, is put under such rough questioning, like I'm falling behind even in this department of life.
Now it took me a long time to make the realization, i think my brain was also in a way blocking all those thoughts. Maybe as to not let me be even more confused. But they finally came to light and I'm doubting myself. This also takes a lot from me to actually write it. Due to that I'm sorry for all mistakes and if it will be chaotic.
To be clear I was born as afab. However all my life I've never really fit into the category. I was the least feminine, never liking all the stereotypical things that came with it. I even feel disgusted at the concept of me being feminine and fully presenting that way.
It had been also a few years since I've began to use Any/All pronouns and yet I'm quite disappointed? that people chose to refer to me as only she/her. I know that by writing any/all I agree to everything and I'm comfortable with everything but the feeling remains. Kinda as if I expected something different, maybe that people would see me differently or use the opportunity I give them to do so.
It especially bugged me in most of my past relationships. I never really liked myself in the "traditional" female role there too. I tend to take more of a masculine role or at least want to. Only recently I have noticed that though, in full picture. I even realized that one of my past lesbian relationships break up could have that intertwined in it, without my prior knowledge. As in when talking with my ex about our preferences (at the time) I expressed that if I wasn't with her as BI I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship with a guy, while she said that she is fully lesbian (which was fine, I don't shame my ex for that here). But in a way that I didn't see back then I think that part hurt me because she said she wouldn't want to be with a guy. A bit of subconscious feeling that took time for me to understand.
It also confuses me more that I'm definitely more positive whenever someone mistakes me for a guy. Confuses since all those little things seemed to gather through my life until they formed one giant pile for me to decipher.
It also weights heavy on me because while I often feel unfit for the world we live in, as in I wasn't supposed to be here. before I didn't focus that much on myself. While I was never entirely happy with how I am (looks, etc), for most part it was the world around me that made me stick out. Now I cannot get rid off the feeling in the back of my mind, as if the image of my own self was cracked too. A misfit to my whole existence. The more I think about it the more I feel uncomfortable and unsure. Especially since I feel like it's a bit too late for such things for me. In the very adult age it just seems weird to have the image of yourself suddenly be torn into pieces and formed into a giant pile of doubts, whether you actually always were like this or if for some reason I'm just so lost I'm making those feelings up.
I think I just feel ashamed for some reason. Ashamed and lost since the one thing that was more or less stable, my identity, is put under such rough questioning, like I'm falling behind even in this department of life.
