Venting worth it

[lolitaboy]

i have been in and out of therapy since i was 11 years old as a result of childhood sexual abuse from my older sister starting when i was 5 where she would make me do sexual acts and would touch me in sexual ways, often while recording me. in the 19 years i have been living i have been hospitalized multiple times for self harm, substance abuse, psychosis, suicidal ideation and homicidal ideation. i was diagnosed with various psychiatric disorders and prescribed with a gross amount of medication. i have been in partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs. so much time, money and effort was spent on my recovery and i feel like i will never get better. im aware how much time recovery will take. i am aware that recovery is not linear. there will be ups and downs but throughout these 8 years of recovery i feel nothing has changed.

i feel like if i continue living i will be a sick pervert that ends up in jail for some sort of assault. i do not see myself as a good person that would thrive in the world. given that i have already hurt so many people, including family members, friends, significant others, i will likely continue hurting people, emotionally and physically--hell, i raped my best friend who i had been obsessing over since we were little when i was 10 because i thought it was ok because thats what you did with people you loved. i am scared for my future and i dont think any of this is worth it anymore. i have said this many times throughout my other attempts but at this point i truly dont believe i have a path in recovery.

 

[Xyla]

it takes a tremendous amount of willpower to say all which you just said, and i'm sure it'll take even more to maybe forgive yourself.

i don't blame you for feeling the way you do and neither am i disgusted by the things you've just said. you're brave for stepping forward into the limelight to let the forum know about your troubles and i think that's a testament to your strength if anything.

you seem to also recognize where you've gone wrong in life and see your wrongdoings for what they are.

i don't think others would've felt any remorse for their actions the same as you. i thin that having remorse and feeling guilt is a first step to recovery. despite the monstrous actions one's done they still have their humanity.

maybe i'm wrong for saying this, or maybe i'm just optimistic, but while i'm just a stranger, i do still believe that you can recover and that you can turn your life around. it's just a matter of taking the initiative.

 

[MrDarkness]

I know you can recover, recovery is an extremely hard journey, I hope you can get better.