Hi, this is my first post on here and I'm a bit nervous about it. TW for mention of sexual abuse and medical stuff.
For background, I have complex PTSD, derealisation/depersonalisation disorder, bipolar 2, social phobia, OCD and mild-moderate chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm on a *lot* of medication, and have been kind of stable (in the sense of treading water rather than drowning) for about 6 months due to an increase in one of my antidepressants. For that time, I've had the relative reprieve of passive rather than urgent suicidal ideation.
The two things that have changed are memories coming back of very early childhood sexual abuse, and increasingly severe physical health problems. The first thing I was kind of coping with since I have a very good therapist, but the health stuff is starting to break me.
I've been putting up with what I thought was endometriosis pain for about a year - I'm pretty good at ignoring my body so it wasn't too hard. Two months ago I started to have constant bloating and rapidly increasing pain, which is sort of a combination of period pain and something heavy in my right lower abdomen which is pressing on my spine and various nerves.
My GP thinks I need to get checked out for ovarian cancer, so I overcame my fear of doctors enough to book in with a gynaecological surgeon. She sounds worried based on the information in the referral, but has no appointments until March.
Even if I can get whatever it is fixed, I'm afraid of the possible complications of pelvic surgery (risk of early menopause, bladder problems, loss of sexual sensation and lots of fun stuff like that). I'm kind of hoping it is cancer so that I have a reason to kill myself which no one in my life could fault me for. I definitely wouldn't submit to chemo or anything like that because I absolutely hate hospitals and prolonged medical treatment.
If the pain keeps getting worse at this rate I don't think I'll be able to hang on much longer. I have a few bags of food-grade SN, domperidone and Nexium, have educated myself about the necessary regimen, and feel confident in my ability to have a relatively peaceful death.
The only thing that I can't stand is leaving my two cats behind. They're only a bit over a year old, and are very bonded to me (they get separation anxiety and freak out if I'm in a different room and they can't find me). They have an extremely joyful and playful temperament, and I hate to think of taking that away by leaving. There are at least three people in my life who would happily adopt both of them and treat them very well, so I'm not too worried from that angle.
What I was hoping for was any kind of reassurance anyone could give me that cats don't keep grieving forever, and that they could eventually forget me and be happy again. It seems stupid that this is the one sticking point when I can overcome my guilt at causing grief to the people who are close to me, but I feel so trapped about this. If there's an afterlife I'm afraid that I'll be able to feel their pain and loss and that I might regret my decision.
For background, I have complex PTSD, derealisation/depersonalisation disorder, bipolar 2, social phobia, OCD and mild-moderate chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm on a *lot* of medication, and have been kind of stable (in the sense of treading water rather than drowning) for about 6 months due to an increase in one of my antidepressants. For that time, I've had the relative reprieve of passive rather than urgent suicidal ideation.
The two things that have changed are memories coming back of very early childhood sexual abuse, and increasingly severe physical health problems. The first thing I was kind of coping with since I have a very good therapist, but the health stuff is starting to break me.
I've been putting up with what I thought was endometriosis pain for about a year - I'm pretty good at ignoring my body so it wasn't too hard. Two months ago I started to have constant bloating and rapidly increasing pain, which is sort of a combination of period pain and something heavy in my right lower abdomen which is pressing on my spine and various nerves.
My GP thinks I need to get checked out for ovarian cancer, so I overcame my fear of doctors enough to book in with a gynaecological surgeon. She sounds worried based on the information in the referral, but has no appointments until March.
Even if I can get whatever it is fixed, I'm afraid of the possible complications of pelvic surgery (risk of early menopause, bladder problems, loss of sexual sensation and lots of fun stuff like that). I'm kind of hoping it is cancer so that I have a reason to kill myself which no one in my life could fault me for. I definitely wouldn't submit to chemo or anything like that because I absolutely hate hospitals and prolonged medical treatment.
If the pain keeps getting worse at this rate I don't think I'll be able to hang on much longer. I have a few bags of food-grade SN, domperidone and Nexium, have educated myself about the necessary regimen, and feel confident in my ability to have a relatively peaceful death.
The only thing that I can't stand is leaving my two cats behind. They're only a bit over a year old, and are very bonded to me (they get separation anxiety and freak out if I'm in a different room and they can't find me). They have an extremely joyful and playful temperament, and I hate to think of taking that away by leaving. There are at least three people in my life who would happily adopt both of them and treat them very well, so I'm not too worried from that angle.
What I was hoping for was any kind of reassurance anyone could give me that cats don't keep grieving forever, and that they could eventually forget me and be happy again. It seems stupid that this is the one sticking point when I can overcome my guilt at causing grief to the people who are close to me, but I feel so trapped about this. If there's an afterlife I'm afraid that I'll be able to feel their pain and loss and that I might regret my decision.
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