MiseryLovesMyCompany
Arcanist
- Oct 8, 2020
- 482
Another venting thread from me, yay. I'm in an emotional state where I feel like I'd just grab that container of SN and shove it in my mouth. It certainly wouldn't be wise so with what little sanity is left in me I'm going to throw my feelings out there. Not that I could do it anywhere else apart from talking with myself.
The following text will be strictly about people in my real life. I'd like to state that currently I am writing from pure emotions, sorry beforehand. I wonder how I come across from these threads.
Welcome to my third pity party! Sit down, have some snacks and enjoy yourselves!
First of all, I hate myself to such an extent that surprises me. I tried to keep these thoughts away from me by saying and acting like I had self-confidence. It might have even looked at times that I had too much. I tried my best to manage/maintain a long-term relationship, friends, and have some time for myself while performing to the best of my ability. Deep down I care what others think of me, even if I don't show it. I just can't handle not being liked, which happened too often. I believe it comes as no surprise to you that everything went up in flames.
Now people disliking or hating me just fuels my desire to CTB. Not that I didn't know that these friendships were more of an acquaintance relationship. Rarely did I talk with most of them. There were a few who I talked with on a weekly basis, though really not many, and not on every week. Especially now I realize how almost nobody wants to talk to me, even to just ask how I am doing and these meaningless stuff. However, when someone does write... it's just wanting something from me mostly, and yeah, those meaningless 5 minutes conversations I have occasionally aren't the best either. Although, I can't blame them. My social skills are just nonexistent and there isn't really anything to like about me. I'm just so replaceable by better people. I know it, I'm queer and no good.
Sometimes we had gatherings, but there were multiple occasions when I only got informed of its existence by seeing something they put on social media. There were and still are much more that I don't know of. I just can't fit in anywhere really, I always feel like a ghost.
I had many times when this fact saddened me, but I always had someone to turn to. I had my girlfriend, only to lose her. I know she is better off without me, I could never make her happy like a "normal person", or just anyone else beside me could. I don't really want to go into details but I fucked up big time with many things. I didn't (want to) realize my own problems, looking back I had something like of an existential crisis (though many things were constantly underneath that are still present). That and my shitty personality did not go well. I pretty much provoked her to break up with me.
I'd sell my soul to the devil just to go back in time. It wouldn't solve everything obviously, but I'd have a reason to at least try to even though everything is against me.
The other day I was smoking weed with my other ex, and I was crying about the whole situation to her. How. fucking. pathetic. I don't even talk to her often, just on occasions. After this I'm pretty sure she has no desire for it for the next decade.
Now I know my place, being alone and in misery. Like it was before I met her. I didn't deserve her. I wonder how could she withstand me for all these years. I hurt her too many times. I was not good enough. I wouldn't want to be with myself, then why would anyone else want to?
I'm not saying she was an easy case, I suspect her having undiagnosed BPD, I mean when I read about it everything checked out. Nevertheless, I loved her and I still do. I can't process how things turned out. I want her back, but it's too late. I can't bear this situation above all else. I have nothing else to live for. Nothing. The past year had many hardships, but I somehow managed it with great difficulty, my biggest motivation being our future together. Nothing remains of that. I miss everything about her.
People told me to live for myself... yeah like I'd live for this lonely miserable sucker.
I also know that there are quite a few people that I can't really count on or thought of them differently.
Now here I am with yet another essay, sorry guys (I wonder if anyone actually read this whole post, but I guess it's better if not, to keep something of my nonexistent image).
Thank you everyone who attended my party, I have a feeling it wasn't the last.
The following text will be strictly about people in my real life. I'd like to state that currently I am writing from pure emotions, sorry beforehand. I wonder how I come across from these threads.
Welcome to my third pity party! Sit down, have some snacks and enjoy yourselves!
First of all, I hate myself to such an extent that surprises me. I tried to keep these thoughts away from me by saying and acting like I had self-confidence. It might have even looked at times that I had too much. I tried my best to manage/maintain a long-term relationship, friends, and have some time for myself while performing to the best of my ability. Deep down I care what others think of me, even if I don't show it. I just can't handle not being liked, which happened too often. I believe it comes as no surprise to you that everything went up in flames.
Now people disliking or hating me just fuels my desire to CTB. Not that I didn't know that these friendships were more of an acquaintance relationship. Rarely did I talk with most of them. There were a few who I talked with on a weekly basis, though really not many, and not on every week. Especially now I realize how almost nobody wants to talk to me, even to just ask how I am doing and these meaningless stuff. However, when someone does write... it's just wanting something from me mostly, and yeah, those meaningless 5 minutes conversations I have occasionally aren't the best either. Although, I can't blame them. My social skills are just nonexistent and there isn't really anything to like about me. I'm just so replaceable by better people. I know it, I'm queer and no good.
Sometimes we had gatherings, but there were multiple occasions when I only got informed of its existence by seeing something they put on social media. There were and still are much more that I don't know of. I just can't fit in anywhere really, I always feel like a ghost.
I had many times when this fact saddened me, but I always had someone to turn to. I had my girlfriend, only to lose her. I know she is better off without me, I could never make her happy like a "normal person", or just anyone else beside me could. I don't really want to go into details but I fucked up big time with many things. I didn't (want to) realize my own problems, looking back I had something like of an existential crisis (though many things were constantly underneath that are still present). That and my shitty personality did not go well. I pretty much provoked her to break up with me.
I'd sell my soul to the devil just to go back in time. It wouldn't solve everything obviously, but I'd have a reason to at least try to even though everything is against me.
The other day I was smoking weed with my other ex, and I was crying about the whole situation to her. How. fucking. pathetic. I don't even talk to her often, just on occasions. After this I'm pretty sure she has no desire for it for the next decade.
Now I know my place, being alone and in misery. Like it was before I met her. I didn't deserve her. I wonder how could she withstand me for all these years. I hurt her too many times. I was not good enough. I wouldn't want to be with myself, then why would anyone else want to?
I'm not saying she was an easy case, I suspect her having undiagnosed BPD, I mean when I read about it everything checked out. Nevertheless, I loved her and I still do. I can't process how things turned out. I want her back, but it's too late. I can't bear this situation above all else. I have nothing else to live for. Nothing. The past year had many hardships, but I somehow managed it with great difficulty, my biggest motivation being our future together. Nothing remains of that. I miss everything about her.
People told me to live for myself... yeah like I'd live for this lonely miserable sucker.
I also know that there are quite a few people that I can't really count on or thought of them differently.
Now here I am with yet another essay, sorry guys (I wonder if anyone actually read this whole post, but I guess it's better if not, to keep something of my nonexistent image).
Thank you everyone who attended my party, I have a feeling it wasn't the last.
